It all started during my pregnancy when I used Benedryl through my PICC line for nausea and started abusing it. I had syringes and all sorts of stuff left over from home health care and started shooting it up after my pregnancy was over.
I took the IV fluids I had and oral benadryl capsules I opened and shot it up my L AC. Then the AC stopped working and I have horrible veins, so I stopped for two months. Then tonight I tried again, but just ended up shoooting it under my skin.
I never thought I would be an addict. I have dexedrine, ativan, percocet, norco, all on my nightstand full bottles that I am totally un interested in, but the benadryl IV just pulls me in. Tomorrow is garbage day and I took all my home health supplies and put them in the garbage on the curb along with the capsules, so I dont have easy access to shoot up.
I am a nurse and have easy access but am afraid of losing my job, so hope that stops me.
I need other support though. My husband wants to put me in a rehab, but I dont think that is where I am as I just crave and crave and have stopped shooting up for 2 months, and only did it once, after doing it for two months prior to that. My daughter is 4 months old, and I really did need it during my pregnancy.
Tell me where to look to start. I cant really go to meetings, but would like to do online stuff.
If I do the 12 steps, do I have to believe in god? Do I have to reveal my addiction to everyone if it hasnt gotten in the way of my life with them at this point, can I just reveal it to my husband?
You need a meeting. There are links above to find one near you. Also please take a few minutes to read the IP on who is an addict ? That link also above ( with the paperclips)
This a spiritual not religeous program. You will need to develope a relationship with a power greater than yourself. Some of us call that God. But it can be your group. The fellowship. Many things are greater than you . You simply need to admit that there is a power bigger and more powerful than Jenn.
You can recover. THe cravings can subside. Are you ready ? That your reaching out here is a good sign. Please come back and tell us of your progress.
Welcome to miracles in progress. Glad you made it.
Anthony G
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
Hi Jenn, I'll try to share my experience, strength and hope with you.
First of all a big {{{{hug}}}} the realization that we have a problem and need help is painful and scary. Good for you for reaching out.
I understand why you feel you can't go to a meeting, because of your profession and your license, however, NA is an ANONYMOUS program and we take that very seriously. We don' tell anybody about you or answer any questions about you. There are MANY nurses, physicians and other licensed professionals in the rooms of 12 Step programs. There are even meetings that are special interest for medical professionals... I have a friend who attends a meeting once a week for Dr's in recovery. You may find a group like that in your area.
Bottom line... Meetings are a part of the program, a BIG part and I strongly urge you to attend. I think you'll find you feel safe and that your anonymity is protected.
Will fear of losing your job, or being found out, stop you? Wasn't my experience. I was pregnant, not a woman who would expose an unborn child to drugs. I couldn't stop. Not until I was arrested and facing having my child in prison.... That was my bottom, sadly, not just being afraid of that happening. I was scared to death of what I might be doing to my child but it didn't stop me. We lie to ourselves... I'll just do this once more, I won't do it after today, I'll quit on Monday, FOR SURE!... We believe our lies and then we can justify that one more time or just the weekend, etc.
This wont' get better on it's own Jenn.. I can promise you that. Addiction, untreated, has a 100% mortality rate. On the way to death, most of us experience jails and institutions. Only you will know when you've had enough and are willing to go to any lengths to stay clean and recover.
The God thing... Don't let it keep you away. I looked for treatment that didn't employ the 12 Steps because I was afraid of the God thing, didn't believe in God... Still don't in the religious sense of the word. I've been clean for six years. I did have to find a higher power, and that term skeeved me out too until I was helped to see that I already had a higher power... My addiction and dope. They ran my life, I didn't. When I looked at the fact that I already had a power greater than me in my life, a destructive power that I couldn't control on my own, it became easier to accept the idea that I needed some power greater than the one already running my life and that it needed to be a constructive power, a positive power.
What we do need to work the 12 steps is a sponsor. An experienced member who can help guide us through the steps. Someone we learn to trust with our secrets, our humiliations, our craziness. No, it can't be my husband. He has a role in my life but it's not as my sponsor.
This disease lives in my thinking... That means I can't think my way out of it.
Feel free to email me - jana516@att.net. I'm more than happy to help you!
-- Edited by Jana40503 on Friday 1st of May 2009 09:36:17 AM
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
