I am newly clean. I have been high in some way or another for basically ten years. Now I am sad all the time. I have no escape from my feelings. i don't have any friends left, because all of my friends are junkies. How does anyone else deal with this?
Ally, are you getting out to any face-to-face meetings? It can helpful as a way to get support and meet people who are on the same path.
As for feeling sad, it is not uncommon to feel down at the beginning of the recovery process. All of those feelings that we stuffed during years of using suddenly rise to the surface and there's no way to hide them any more. As much as it sucks, it's an important part of the process. Please remind yourself that the sadness (and any other feelings) are only temporary. Various feelings come and go all the time. Some might stay a little longer, but they're still temporary. It will help to get a sponsor and do some step work. Are you familiar with sponsorship?
One of my greatest challenges at the beginning was boredom. I had given up all my friends. I no longer went to the same places or did the same things. That was all good for me, but I felt bad about myself and my life AND I was bored and lonely. Someone told me that boredom and loneliness wouldn't kill me, but using would. The boredom passed pretty quickly, although it seemed like an eternity at the time.
Ally, give yourself some time. Coming back to life after 10 years of substance abuse is not quick.
Friend, your joy will return. This is why we must work our program - not just stay clean (though it is an accomplishment on it's own) I had (have) to go to meetings and ask a stranger (totally against my nature) to be my sponsor.
Going through the steps has been a huge part of me finding my joy again but there is a physical component as well. Your brain needs a while to adjust itself - and it will. You will find yourself one day in disbelief that you have come so far.
Remember - We DO recover. Recover means, in part, to reinstate that which we lost. Hang in there, friend.
Theres a friend Ive metin this room that has helped me alot in this very area. I cant describe as well as he does but Ill try.
Step one . This step is all about resolving ourselves to our powerlessness and unmanagability. By myself Im a mess. I accept fully that I cant do it. I cant get clean alone. I cant make me happy alone. I will never achieve serenity alone . Once we make that step and accept these as facts in our lives things may begin to fall into place for you.
Many of us suffered or still suffer from some depression. It could be one of the causes that kept us using long after the fun wore off. We simply medicated ourselves to take the "edge" off. If that gets too bad please see a Dr.
One of the things that has helped me through it, took years for me to learn to do it was. Fake it Till You Make It . It takes practice to look at the positive in every situation. But Ive found in everything there is a positive. Its all in how we look at it.
Surround yourself with positive people. Indulge in positive reading . Watch positive TV or movies. Decide your going to be happy. Then work daily to achive it.
Start now with a gratitude list. Do it first thing in the morning. Mine goes something like this.
I have a good higher power I woke up clean I feel good I have good friends My family is healthy Theres food in the cupboard Theres a roof over my head
This is just a short one to get started. Do them every day even if you dont feel like it. Look at how much good is coming from this. YOUR CLEAN. That is a huge miracle. Hang in there and FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.
-- Edited by AnthonyG on Saturday 18th of April 2009 10:50:04 PM
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
Feelings are a fact of life but they dont necessarily reflect reality.
Take my example of last weekend = I was chosen to attend a Conference on behalf of my university.There was an election for student delegates. When I left to attend the conference, .I had no idea that was on the agenda . At first i had no intention of putting up my name but I was taken in by the enthusiasm of these younger students and so also put up my name.
I then strove for polularity and by jove I got it,,without being pushy,aggressive,putting others down and the sort. I went by my own qualifications and talents and quickly became recognizable in the conference body.
The self esteem issues however crept in and I slowy began to imagine I had failed and how I would cope with those feelings . I then began to get consumed by self doubt. I began to think things like "im too old for this" "I have no idea of what im getting into" "Im certain to lose anyways because I have no clue how to win" etc.etc.etc. Actually ,this was a great opportunity to represent my university and its 36000 students at the national level here in UK and I let those idiot thoughts and feelings stop me from realizing that. I wasnt finding out more about the process. I worried about the results without putting in effort into the process. The result was that though I got many votes and in other types of elections should have easily got through,this one was lost. I needed to get 1st preference votes and later on I realized that was well within my reach and the only thing that stood in the way was my inadequate knowledge about this process. O I would have easily have got those votes if i knew what to do. Others seemed to know about it and sailed through.
In my own alalysis,I was actually unable to get deeper into this due to feelings of low self esteem and self-doubt,simply because I allowed thoughts about the outside to influence my decisions, not knowing that reality was that many there ahnd in in university wanted me to win. I am feeling disappointed and in pain for having missed that oppurtunity, gone till the next year and by then I would have finished my studies. In context of the Steps this relates to an addict,,though in recovery,allowing negatives to make an already unmanageable life more unmanageable.
I have read from a reliable source that feelings are autonomous and we have no real control over them. However,in my recovery, I am reminded that I can also walk away from them,,,,and God help me remember this difference,at least just for today !!!!!!!!
-- Edited by Raman on Monday 20th of April 2009 09:19:30 AM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Ha,ha,ha ,,thanks Dean,,imagine what happens to us in recovery ? An idiot addict like me,,challenged to admit defeat,,came in kicking,screaming and the choicless awareness that I was ruined by drugs. And now we know that addiction can do us in even without drugs,,thats why I need yall in my recovery,,,even if it involves a bit of flattery here and there,,,ha,ha,ha !!! Thanks and hugs bro !!!!
-- Edited by Raman on Tuesday 21st of April 2009 06:35:29 PM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
