an update?

defeatedgirl123 · Veteran Member

an update?

DeanC · Guru

Pray for willingness. You said "I have no motivation" (to get clean). The three things that our disease has instore for us are insanity, incarceration, and death. I think that you've acquired the first one. There will come a point when you begin to realize that you may lose your mind and not be able to get it back. That's what motivated me. Drugs are illegal, and jail for them is a very distinct probability, not a question of how, but when. Sitting in jail for a couple years will motivate you. Young people don't think about dying too often but you may or may have some close calls. A few overdoses followed by painful withdrawals might motivate you. These "Yets" might take awhile to show up, but they will.

It is said that the 4 main obstacles to sobriety are Youth, Health, Wealth, and Brains and that when an addict or alcoholic has too much of those assets left, they prevent recovery. That's why they usually have to lose most or all before they get "Motivated". Now, if you were smart, you'd not have thought about leaving treatment. If you believed what was told to you (in treatment and in here) about not listening to your brain (which is the mouthpiece of your addiction) you'd have stayed in treatment. You're paying your dues as it "take what it takes" to get the message across to ourselves that were sick from a disease which is both mental and physical, and we need help. I was ready to quit at 18, 19, 22, 25, and seriously ready (attending meetings regularly) at 27 but it took 2 more years and a lot of losses to finally Listen, and do what my sponsor and groups suggested that I do, to "get it" at age 29. I would really like to have those 11 years back for a book full of reasons.

Be smart, go back to treatment and hang on until the miracle happens.

Dean

BigV · Senior Member

Hey Liz glad to see you at least keep coming back your actually taking a few suggestions which shows a degree of willingness and desire so I think you have chance here still.

Help for addicts begins only when we are able to admit complete defeat. This can be frightening, but it is the foundation on which we have built our lives.

I refer you to step one of our literature

http://www.earthgroupna.org/literature/basictext/step1.htm

Please read this over and over again so you get a good picture of what it's going to take and what to expect.

All I can say is Bless your heart a good part of you wants recovery and wants this handled, the other part if fighting to keep what it has thats the side that needs to aline with the other and that takes time and unfortunately some pain .

YOu can get through all this without killing yourself though I had the same kind of thoughts while I was out using, my life was so hopeless I can't even describe the depth of it but your kinda experiencing it for yourself and thats something MANY of us have so much in common.

There is a solution and a way to change all of this but you must be willing to put the effort into it, you are responsible for your recovery, keep telling yourself that and you will come around one day saying I FINALLY GOT IT GUYS GOD DAMN I GET IT!!...

We Love you Liz, hang in there till the miracle happens this is all for good reason believe me you won't be able to get through to others until you experience this yourself and one day you will be in service helping others just like yourself and you will feel a whole new reason/purpose for living and thats the best feeling in the world.

debh · Newbie

All we have is this day, thats it just the here and now
Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?????
If you are there is only 1 way to get better
A meeting every day for the next 90 days!!!!!!!!!!!! (that was the gift I was given, they told me to come every day for 90 days and if at the end of the 90 days if I was still as sick and unhappy I could take my misery and addiction back... I can thank the god of my understanding that I never took it back.
Give up; put your hands in the air and surrender.
Life is SO good and you deserve to live a life you love and enjoy!
Give yourself the gift of recovery today! GO TO A MEETING, Listen, Pray, Go to another meeting, Listen, pray and go to another meeting
Your life will begin the minute you choose to really surrender and CHOOSE life

defeatedgirl123 · Veteran Member

wow today was a bad day. i hate people. especially my ex's parents. they judged me on the way i looked and carried myself. effing Biotches. im in high school the way i look is everything i have. do you know what i mean? im a rock chick. i wear band tees and skinny jeans. thats my image. and to me it aint a bad one. their son dresses the same way i do and they judge me! and think that im a hardass and that i dont give 2 shits about anyone else? yeah im a hardass around my friends because they know me but to someone's parents im not a bitch or a hardass. i respect them and am the nicest person to them. and that i dont care about anyone? are you kidding me?! Invisible children hello ever heard of it. its a non profit raising money and awareness about child soliders in uganda. www.invisiblechildren.com. check it out. its pretty awesome. i care about more people then they ever would. EFF THEM! yeah im not the greatest person in the world so what. i would never pressure him into doing drugs or drinking or doing anything that he wouldnt want to do. im really not a bad person! they don't know S*** about me. (im trying Vini the no swearing stuff) im not perfect. no one is. they're not going to find a perfect little angel for their perfect little son. but seriously judging me on the way i look? are you effing serious? don't judge a book by it's cover BIOTCH! sorry that just really pissed me off. beyond belief. and i needed to let it out or i would have gone and beat the crap out of someone.

anyways....

dean honestly i don't want to go back to treatment. i think (i know its probably way bad and so wrong) but i just need to use and calm the eff down and maybe think about going later sometime in the future.

vini i just need an alternative for when i get soo pissed off. because right now when i get pissed off i go punch something, use, and drink until i pass out. i think if i find an alternative that my mind can be clear and i can focus more on my recovery and the steps and not wanting to kill myself. i want to be clean so i can help others. i love helping people. i just need to help myself before i can help someone else.

i have to stop listening to myself. im a bad influence on myself. brain stop talking to me because you just keep getting me in trouble. stop lying to me and saying that i need to use because i dont. i made it a month and a week before you (my brain) came back to haunt me. now look at me. back in the same boat i was before. gosh darnit. haha.

so if anyone has an alternative for angryness. let me know.

still havent gone to a meeting. i should probably go.

DeanC · Guru

One thing that helped me, when I was in 11th grade was to switch schools. I left the big HS and went to an smaller alternative school, where people weren't trying to compete with each other so much in the ways of looks, possessions, friends, cliches, and you weren't judged by who you hung out with or if you were a jock, nerd, freak, grit (old school for hardass lol).... I calmed down quite a bit. It was more like a college atmosphere with classes only 2 days a week for each subject and I was only in school from 9-12 then I went to work for the rest of the day at pizza hut. I got kicked out of every school that I attended from 1st grade on up until I went to this one.

I hate to say "should" but you really should be seeing a counselor or therapist to help you with your anger, to get to the roots of the issues. I'll give you a hint, It's almost always parental issues. We think that one (or both) of our parents don't love or approve of us enough or at all. We think that we don't care but that's just a mask that we wear. We really care and we care too much. We act out and then we feel bad about it, then we look to kill the pain with drinking and drugs. Once we can modify our behavior and live by a set of principals that we believe in, and set some goals for ourselves and work toward them, our self esteem and self worth go up and we begin to accept and love ourselves. At that point we don't need others approval and we don't care that much what others think about us because we know who we are by living as closely as we can to our principals. Until then, we just go around trying to seek attention (good or bad) any way that we can to try a fill the void that lack of self love and respect (and our perception of our parental issues) leave behind in us. It sounds so simple but it's true. It's our feelings (resentments and fear) that make it seem like everything else outside of us is "The Problem". There is two movies that I want you to watch. "What the bleep do we know" and "The secret". You can watch them online (probably for free, knowing have computer savvy you young'ins are wink

) or you can download them for a small fee or rent them at a movie place.

The first one "What the Bleep..." is about a young girl that's lost and trying to find herself. She has a lot of resentments and issues that constantly work her feelings and emotions causing her to react angrily all the time. Through a series of events in the movie, she learns that her perceptions, that are altered by her past issues, are colorized and makes it seem like everything and everyone is against her. Once she is able to realize this, the world looks totally different and she is free from her twisted perceptions. This is a process that occurs in recovery over time. It doesn't have to take that long, once the person becomes aware of the issues usually through groups (NA/AA/Coda..) and/or therapy, but those cannot be completely effective until person gets off of substances and addictions because those also alter perceptions and colorize reality.

It is because of these perception alterations that we get such intense feelings about stuff that to most people is no big deal. This brings intense pain and self loathing and for some suicidal feelings and the Need to self medicate, which you are experiencing now. So even if you feel like you can't give up drugs, please get to alateen, and some counsoling or better yet a therapist that practices in recovery to ease these issues and
help you change your perceptions, so that you don't have to medicate. It's possible that you may need to be on some supervised meds for a short time. But it's very important that at that point, you're in recovery and not drinking and using on top of them, because that causes depression and suicidal tendencies. I know that I've said a lot. I hope it helps. Please go watch those movies. smile

Dean

-- Edited by DeanC on Thursday 16th of April 2009 07:27:09 AM

BigV · Senior Member

Liz I almost feel like giving you a PASS and letting you swear all you want LOL

Wanna talk about anger and rage talk to me and Dean really did hit directly on a few points that I justified my anger and rage and my drug use and alcoholism over.

And what happened was I became a full blown addict and my life got fully blown to hell in a basket with piles of shat and vomitt all over it it was crap and yeah I'd rather have been dead.

BUT theres something in us Liz that keeps us going and keeps us working on it, you have a purpose and sometimes some of us have to fulfill our destiny in a very painful way and by surviving this we have depth like Dean has and Raman and Tahir and Lee and blithe and Anthony and so so many others here.

So we know whats going on inside of you we've been there I still go there I get so upset and angry at people then I turn it around on myself and take inventory becuase whatever is upsetting me is something inside of me that usually can not accept whats going on outside of me, so its me that needs fixing . and you know what sometimes I can not fix me and thats when I turn to others for help just like you have done and I turn to my higher power to show me what I need to do and how best I go about accepting things I find unacceptable.

Don't stay in it to long whatever it is that much I can warn you about. I have a resnetment agaisnt someone that keeps coming up over and over again and I just keep letting it go again and again eventually it will go away but what I dont do is plan my attack anymore LOL and believe me I can be a back stabbing SOB but thats not who and what I am today. So I pray for them wish them all the best and move on there usually not worth spending to much time on anyhow LOL, and everyone gets what they deserve anyhow, Oooh that sounds bad but hey i'm still sick bleh

Hang in there girl glad I went back a few threads to find this tonight , glad your sharing whats going on keep it up, GET TO A MEETING DAMNIT furious

defeatedgirl123 · Veteran Member

well dean switching schools for me is not an option. its the end of my senior year. i have like a month and a half left. if i even graduate who knows. i would just like to finsih out the year the people who i've known my whole life whether i like them or not. i dont think i could find a high school smaller than mine. haha its pretty small. theres only like 200 in my graduating class. i've been to counseling and therapists, and to me its a waste of time and MONEY. i can guarentee its parental issues. me and my parents hate each other so much that we dont have a single conversation. we dont look at each other and they are never home so i really dont care. and my sisters we dont get a long either. all we do is fight. but i get so angry at them that i want to punch their faces in so i have to leave or else i will. i don't seek attention. i worry about myself. my friends ashley. and the kids in africa. that's it. and you guys of course. i will watch those movies. they sound good.

VINI! you should just give me a pass to swear. haha
i wish i knew what my purpose was so i could figure it out a lot faster and not have to be stupid. but see im not a "big" person like you that you can just pray about somebody who i hate or who pisses me off. i can't just let things go. i have to make my point clear whether its yelling at them or effing beating the shat out of them.
i hope you feel better vini. MAYBE i'll go to a meeting today. maybe.

defeatedgirl123 · Veteran Member

ps - the just for today? Just for Today: In my heart, I know that meetings benefit me in all kinds of ways. Today, I want what's good for me. I will attend a meeting.

ironic much?

trueakitalover · Senior Member

Liz,

You are so much like me I was soooo full of anger and hatred, but the only one I really hated after all these years was not the people around me but guess who. My biggest problem was me. I didn't like me cause I didn't think I was smart enough, good enough or intelligent enough. I was just full of rage and I used the dope to make me get away from me, but everytime I had come down guess who was there? I was, I had to become homeless and hopeless and get involved in an abusive relationship with a guy who didn't care about me at all before I realized I caused a lot of the problems and that I was an addict. I went to the meeting and found a sponsor. I cursed my very first sponsor out. I told her to go and f herself. She told me if I ever said that to her again she and I would fight. I pushed that lady to the brink of no return, but to this day she is no longer sponsoring me, but she has stepped into a better role for me and that is being the mom that I had lost almost 3 years ago this coming September. She showed me love, compassion, empathy, caring. Everything this addict needed in the beginning. She is my number one person who is cheering me on. I am seriously thinking of asking her to consider sponsoring me again eventually. Liz, Please go and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that I LOVE YOU MEANING I LOVE LIZ TODAY! SAY IT EACH AND EVERY DAY! You know I know it is hard to get into meetings and do what is suggested but guess what it is really a very simple simple thing to do. When are you going to let you live? Let go of those demons we all carry through our lives. I had not the worst and not the best child hood but somewhere in my process I have learned to let it all go and to turn it over to the God of My Understanding. Do you really believe that there isn't a Higher Power out there that cares about you to see you through your active addiction?

LOOK they told me try to put the dope down for 1 second and then try it for 1 minute and that 1 minute lead me to 1 hour and 1 hour lead me to 1 day and 1 day lead me to 1 month and 1 month lead me 3 months right now. I am getting 4 months on the 1st of May how about that one baby girl. You can do this. If I can you can. I believe in you, I love you and I am cheering you on and praying for you to get this thing.

Peace,

Shannon

trueakitalover · Senior Member

Liz,

I didn't get along with my family either. LOL the last time I saw my sister was at my mom's funeral. She came for a total of 8 days ok. I was all up in my head thinking God the last time she was here the cop's were called and all that crap. I talked and wrote about it in my home group and with my sponsor and I wrote about my feelings in my journal. The time came when it was time for my sister to leave and she mentioned about that time she called the cops on me and all that. She said it was back when you couldn't stand me. I got honest with her and I said it wasn't you I couldn't stand it was me who I couldn't stand at all. You know if you say issues real slow it really say's It's u ! I was like wow that is so damn true for this addict. I had made my whole family hate me but with this process I have gained some family support and they like the new Shannon the one that actually gives a damn about something else rather than make it all about me. This is what the program does. Keep Coming back and more will be revealed. I don't fester in anger anymore, I yell scream and cry and talk about it till I am over that issue. I had to learn to pray for others not saying that I do it perfectly everytime, but I will when I get sick and tired of the same crap, and expecting different results cause my way never seems to work ever. When I do my way, I screw it up, but when I take that suggestion and do what is suddenly commanded of me guess what the problems get resolved quicker than I expected them to be. Once you have been formally introduced to the program of Narcotics Anonymous you never ever have a reason to use again. you have been equipped with the tools of the program new comer. 1 get a sponsor, 2 get a home group 3 get a network and use that network 4 do 1 meeting a day for the first 30 days after that do it again for another 30 days and after that do it again for the next 30 days and you have 90 days all in a row. Get and use the basic text! Read it! ask questions! Get in the center of your recovery! If you are on the outside of your recovery you will end up using again. But once I get directly in the middle there is no reason for me to use!

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