i caved. i used today. there was just too much stress and anger and i just couldnt stay strong. i read my letter i wrote to myself and i just said to myself, i don't give a f***. i feel horrible. i almost got kicked out of treatment. and if that happened i don't know where i would go or what i would do. i hate myself right now. i just feel like dying. i was on a roll. a month plus some clean and then i cave. wtf was i thinking? i wasn't. im so fucking disgusted. AHHHHHHHH! im screaming. i just want out of my head! well i guess it's back to square one. i am an addict. i am powerless.
D-girl, what you have to realize is that you weren't thinking, you were letting your disease do the thinking for you. You were in relapse long before you picked up. I'm not trying to kick when you're down, just trying to get some information across when you're willing to listen. Do not trust what your mind is telling you. You best thinking got you here. Let your sponsor, staff in the treatment center help with you decisions. Glad that you came back and were able to stay in treatment.
Dean
-- Edited by DeanC on Tuesday 31st of March 2009 08:58:57 PM
Sometimes it just takes some of us falling to understand what the hell is going on with us.
Your learning more about your addiction and about yourself hopefully you take this experience as a learning one , its been called the educational variety of getting clean most of us have been through it too liz your not alone.
I can relate with what is shared above, that's exactly how it happened for me. My last relapse was such a jarring experience for me that it shook me out of my sickness, into surrender and action (inaction if my action is to pick up again).
I realized that I'm f***ed anyway, whether using or not, but at least by not using, my pain and the confusion in my life seemed lesser comparatively
Also, those times, I happen to read in some NA newsletter that "there's no adversity, no pain or problem, no crisis that using can't make worse." reading that helped me back then...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
D-girl, I'm sorry that you had a relapse, that you're going through a tough time... it's ok to relapse, any person with a disease might relapse, and so are everyone of us who suffer from the disease of addiction, what's probably not ok is giving up and not coming back to NA, staying clean and recovery again...
Guilt and shame are two such cunning destructive energies that try to overwhelm me and hold me back from showing up in the fellowship again... Subconsciously, I used to hold on to these destructible feelings in my attempt to be able to use some more, day after day, instead of getting up and cleaning my act... and that's the worst abuse I have done to myself, somehow building up pride which is not needed, resisting the help, avoiding members, concealing my using, dying within... no hope, no freedom to be had... these were the cliches that seemed appealing back then... somehow I would feel forced to act a script written by myself... prisoner of my own mind... condemned by my own guilt... and in this state of constant turmoil and agony is where I sought comfort, in the familiar misery... until the point where my own game turned against me... almost to a point of no return...
-- Edited by Tahir on Wednesday 1st of April 2009 08:52:11 AM
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
hey kiddo you are not alone most of us do slip no one is perfect and if they say they are they are lying like the dogs they are all i do know is brush yourself off give it ti your higher power and please dont give up on yourself
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some of us win some of us lose with god and this program i will be a winner
hi im so sorry to hear that you have relapsed but i dont think that you should beat yourself up about it , recovery is a learning prosses.and atlesat you have realised your powerless hope you are ok take care claire
