Hey everyone, I've been clean for about 68 days now, the first 30 days I was on top of the world, I was so proud of myself for completeing a 2 week detox program, and attending NA meetings, and making some new "clean" friends. But lately, I've been feeling a little down. I'm missing some of my old using friends, not all of them were bad, and some were really great friends, and I wish I could talk them into joining me in recovery, but I've heard around that most of them have been joking around saying "I wonder how long she'll stay clean for" They didn't even give me 14 days, so I'm proud to say I've surpassed that. I've been having a lot of using dreams...I've always had them, but at the beginning of my recovery I remember my dreams as just being in a room with a bunch of users, and I was able to say no when the oppertunity came up...no my dreams are so intense, that I wake up and either have to throw up, or cry myself to sleep. I've been really moody lately and emotional. When I have my good days, they're greeeat, and at the beginning I had a lot of good days. But lately, I've just been kind of depressed and angry. I'm scared to start a new course tomorrow, because I don't yet trust myself in a situation where I might face one of my old dealers, or friends. I don't think I'm strong enough yet, to be caught up in that. But on the other hand, I am scared to death to use, I'm scared to go back to living how I was and lying to my parents and doing everything and anything to get what I wanted. But I still have a lot of resent to my friends that are still out there and using and having a good time. I can't even have a few drinks because I know what that will lead to. I just feel like the only friends I have right now are those at the meetings and I look forward to going, always, but all I do is sit at home and that gives me too much time to think about stuff I don't want to think about...can anyone give me any suggestions to what I should do to keep my mind away from using?
for me i have to practice my program everyday like its the first day, i can't base staying clean today on yesterdays recovery, so i ask myself what will i do for my recovery today??
when i feel ...stuck... i need to get out of my head for starters, call someone, for instance my sponsor, if you don't have one i suggest even asking someone to be a temporary sponsor
is there someone i can help today??
read the liturature, if i feel overwhelmed then going back to basics, breath in , breath out and don't use in between,
the serenity prayer
go for a walk, have a bubble bath, post on MIP go to the chat room here go to the library pray that is just for starters
fear that you are starting something new,? feel the fear and do it anyway :) it is something positive for you, pat yourself on the back!! smile!!! even if you don't feel like it, then smile again, find someone else and make them smile
write down somethings you are grateful for, go through the alphabet, :)
you are at a growth stage, action will help you grow further service work, go to the meeting early andhelp out :)
Hi.. I had to change my timeframes...manually. I slowly came to accept that I was going to be very vulnerable to relapse for a long time. I see now that 60 days or 3 months or 6 months are great but very very early days. I had to stay extra safe for the first year! EXTRA safe! Ok I wanted to hang with my old friends but I didn't. I slowly learnt that just because I wanted something didn't mean anything. I had to grow up. I had to learn to understand that if I wanted a clean life I had to be prepared to sacrifice something. I learnt (learn)'Sacrifice'. I see now that there is a price for everything. Those who are prepared to pay the price..win. Those who can't bring themselves to pay the price, who aren't prepared to sit through the lonliness until new friends are found in NA....lose. In our firm..for our people.. losing can mean death..or the slow death of a miserable life. Mike from OZ
No, Wendy, I don't have a sponsor yet, but I have a cousin that lives next door who has some really good clean time in that comes over and we kind of our own little meeting and share our experiences, and even though she's 5 years younger than me, I look up to her in a sense that she's going on 1 year clean and has been doing really good. I think I need to check out more meetings, I love my fellowship, I love the people and I'm very comfortable there, but I don't really see any potential sponsers, there are only 2 other ladies that have in a fair amount of clean time, but they're still working the steps and have mentioned that they wouldn't be ready to be a sponser. Right now I am on house arrest, for something I did during my active addiction, so I can't really go for walks or go out for the coffee meets with my NA group, I have 2 months left and a part of me is continually beating myself up for the stupid decisions I've made.
And yes, Mike, I feel I am very vulnerable to relapse, more so then I was the first 3 days I had in clean. They say you know you're going to relapse before it even happens...and thank God, today I don't have the desire to use. I did ditch all my friends, I never even really had a real friend that wasn't into drugs. I changed my cell phone number, deleted and blocked them off Facebook and MSN, did whatever I had to do to not have to face them. But one of these old playmates was a best friend of mine for 5 years, and I'm her little girls Godmother, and someday I hope she'll reach out to me and say she's ready for help. Maybe if she sees me doing good she'll want the same for her. I am just so worried about everybody else and letting people down if I were to relapse, I care more about other people and how they're doing then it comes to myself. I need to learn self love and to forgive myself for the mistakes I made. I need more self confidence, I need to find myself, I guess...
-- Edited by nicole_mac on Tuesday 31st of March 2009 08:25:52 AM
