anyway. 20ish yrs in now. my first 'kick' was fierce 1988. back then they said, 'each kick gets harder'. also 'back then' guilt was HUGE. One had to hide their addiction. Boy has times changed. now its a disease, not to be taken litely. and can be spoken about in the sunlight!
now a days... ur not looked DOWN upon for being addicted. 'junkie' ... i am hopeful that word has finally been buried. had its funeral.
that big bad word..that has held me back. 'so in so is a junkie' *gasp*
isolation. my problem area is isolation. guess it goes hand in hand with guilt.. "dont let anyone know whats happening to you." now im reaching out. yes, via a screen.. but I am sooooooooooo glad for this screen at this moment in time. this is what i need. I thank God I found it. there is work to be done on me.
i am willing with what strength i have left. i am willing now that i am laying at the bottom.
"Gradually as we become more God-centered than self-centered, our despair turns to hope."
Basic Text p. 95
What a glorious thing to have hope! Before coming to Narcotics Anonymous, many of us lived lives of utter hopelessness. We believed we were destined to die from our disease.
Many members speak of being on a "pink cloud" their first months in the program. We've stopped using, made some friends, and life looks promising. Things are going great. Then reality sets in. Life is still life
we still lose jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick. Abstinence is no guarantee that life will always go our way.
When the reality of life on its own terms sets in, we turn to our Higher Power and remember that life happens the way life happens. But no matter what occurs in our recovery we need not despair, for there is always hope. That hope lies in our relationship with our Higher Power.
This relationship, as expressed by the thought in our text, develops over time: "Gradually we become more God-centered". As we rely more and more on the strength of our Higher Power, life's struggles don't have to drag us into the sea of despair. As we focus more on God, we focus less on ourselves.
Just for Today: I will rely on my Higher Power. I will accept that, regardless of what happens, my Higher Power will provide me with the resources to live with it.
just found that ^ funny.. i have always relied on a higher power???? because it surely WASNT me.. i can tell you that! i KNEW i wasnt driving my own bus.... that some higher power was??
WILLINGNESS is the key to staying clean, just for today,
breathe in, breathe out and don't use in between
keep sharing and KEEP COMING BACK
we are not bad people, we are sick people trying to get better you are not alone you are important you are worthy
Hugs Wendy
Thank you Wendy for the 'welcome'. I am a Miracle In Progress. Ima MIP.. LOL... Ima MIP (how do we change our user name? thats a good one.... we can all share it.. Ima and Ura Mips' LOL...)
my friend WILLINGNESS is the key to this program < tu for giving me the key.
WILLINGNESS is the key to staying clean, just for today,
breathe in, breathe out < i do forget to breathe... my couselor says "(M) breathe... and i have to take a big giant gasp.. because i hold my breath!??? without realizing it.
and don't use in between
keep sharing and KEEP COMING BACK < u may regret that one. *glump. shagrin. its not gonna be pretty. red faced and shame*
we are not bad people, we are sick people trying to get better < sounds like a plan you are not alone < so i see. been peeking at some of these posts/threads
you are important you are worthy < i havnt been told these last two statements much in my life.
again, thank you .. i do need to share. let go... get it out of me... going to my 1st meeting at 12.. i am scared. (I never leave apt. except when i absolutely have to... under threat. ie: Such as 'pay the rent or else' LOL Isnt that just awful)
I WENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNT! i actually went to the meeting!! i feel completely different. i want to keep this up. (no, i dont figure i will be on a pink cloud kinda thing.LOL)
I feel one brick has been pulled off me. No wait, that's not it. I feel one brick has been laid down The pile of bricks i was laying under, are finally off me. Oh, they are still here, splattered all around me. This time, it's going to be built, using same bricks. (the word 'its' equates to my life, to me. I AM going to be rebuilt. I am going to have a foundation. A strong foundation. Never to have pile of bricks thrown willy nilly ontop of me again.)
at the meeting:
i shared my current goal: 'i wanna be able to say: IM GRATEFUL FOR NOT HAVING TO USE TODAY'
i forgot to say 'willing'.. but thats ok. i was willing to go and willing to share in here.
one and half hour's out of my life. thats a excellent start for someone like me. someone whose stuck to their apt. filled with anxiety attacks... FROM THE PAST!
the past is gone... cant be undone, so why hang on to the anxiety of 'what happened'
i lose my kids again, my home, my job , my car, my driveway... my self respect, my respect for you, i lose myself
my life is not perfect today, Wendy is still unmanageable in many ways, but by the grace of my HP i have a choice today
today i choose life, clean and sober i surrender and at the end of the day i can smile, and so can my girls.
step one is about surrender
step one means I DON'T HAVE TO USE TODAY
hugs Wendy
i thot it was a trick question. Are you powerless??... so i was stumped. i thot we had to admit 'we were powerless'. i finally say it, and ... well. i got scared. i have nothing to lose, like you. kids, family, job... because i have none of that. they are already gone..
ima MIP
-- Edited by gettingbackup on Thursday 9th of April 2009 10:45:59 PM
im back. nothing to report, same POS with potential i was before. woke up today, shaking so hard,the bed was like 8.0 earthquake
so today, i talked myself out of shaking. i 'talked outloud' , instead of just sitting there, waiting for my body to stop shaking so violently.
i said: 'god help me. give me courage to let go of whats hurting me, give me direction. cuz i have no idea where to go. i am rotting in here, in this room'
i got dressed, went to that stupid methodone clinic that i simply dont want to be chained to. drank my 35 mils. actually smiled at someone else in line instead of scowled. got back to my room
then
i remembered this place. so here i am.
like i said , nothing to report.
i have nooooooooooooooooooooooo idea what i am doing any more.
Within 14 days of writing all this, i had no idea jail was coming. 5 months i sat in there. 90 meetings in 90 days, i did it all. i wanted it so badly.
groups, therapy, circles, the whole nine yards. but! all the jail stuff that came along with it.!! Deputies are so sick of addicts coming in to their jails!! They hate us. very frightening to see their hate 24/7. being told to shut the eff up.
if only i coulda did 5 months in a more nurturing enviorment. now seeds, have been planted, and im more of a mess than before.
take it easy on your self....our readings say easy does it and check it out...your doing it! We can't change the past but we can change today. I just have trouble remembering that sometimes. It has gotten better over the years but I used to spend huge amounts of time thinking about...If only, I should have said, I should have done, I know this is not going to be good. Today I am doing so much better just keeping it in the moment.
I had a friend teach me to keep my head and feet in the same place. That was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn but it forced me to realize what I was powerless over most stuff and could only change my thoughts attitudes and behaviors.
take it easy on your self....our readings say easy does it and check it out...your doing it! We can't change the past but we can change today. I just have trouble remembering that sometimes. It has gotten better over the years but I used to spend huge amounts of time thinking about...If only, I should have said, I should have done, I know this is not going to be good. Today I am doing so much better just keeping it in the moment.
I had a friend teach me to keep my head and feet in the same place. That was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn but it forced me to realize what I was powerless over most stuff and could only change my thoughts attitudes and behaviors.
we cant change the past.
but it sure haunts us. i got a case of the haunts something fierce today
