well im pregnant and im trying to stop using. i'm 3mo. pregnant by the way. just recently got out of an inpatient program ; which was 8 weeks and i stayed 3. i just had to go, it was too religious. so ofcourse... i used again. i have made the decision that i wont use crack anymore, or drink. while im pregnant anyway. but it is so easy to sneak into my mom's purse and get painpills out. And its also so easy to keep a secret. i need serious help. I am so afriad of myself. please... what can i do to relieve this need to get high?
Either you are desperate enough to be willing to do WHATEVER it takes to stay clean (meaning perhaps staying in treatment for the whole program - there are non-religous treatment programs and NA is a spiritual program, not a religous one) or you've not had enough. It's that simple.
I hope for your baby's sake and your own, that you've had enough. Find an NA meeting and GO TO IT!!
{{{hugs}}}
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
My daughter has permanent brain damage as a result of my using/drinking, including when I was pregnant, and my using/drinking lifestyle. Never mind how much of my life I wasted and trashed...what right did I have to take away her childhood, her ability to do well and stay in school, to be safe, to not be emotionally abused and chronically traumatized, to be reasonably happy, to stay out of hospitals, to simply love and marry and have children?
I suppose one could argue that it wasn't my fault...I have a disease that destroys, poisons and kills, which I did not cause, cannot control, and cannot cure. But guess what...that just doesn't help much.
My lovely daughter was 35 Friday. Single, no kids, on SSI, living in her father's house. Smokes dope & drinks. So does he. Has a hard time with many cognitive tasks most people take for granted. Wanted a different life for herself.
The good news is she's not homeless on the street, hasn't been in the hospital for a couple of years now, she's working PT, has some friends, and is down to 4 meds with minimal side effects instead of 8-10 with severe side effects.
You want a life of pain, guilt, shame, regret, sorrow for yourself? Keep using.
You want the potential of a life of pain, shame, regret, anger, sorrow for your child? Keep using.
The worst day of my life (not counting the near-death ICU scenes) was when she asked me..."Mom, I was smart, I was pretty...what happened to me?"
Keep using...maybe you too will have to answer that question.
My response to your post is not meant to be judgmental or lecturing...it's called "tough love". Honesty is essential.
You absolutely can find everything you need in these 12 steps, but in my humble opinion, if you get get back into treatment and stay there you can also gain much that is needed to support your ongoing recovery.
One other thing...ask yourself if the program you were in was truly "too religious" or was it your own hostile reactivity to the concept of God. Some religious programs do not treat addiction as a process effecting mind, body, and spirit. They have a very different approach, which is not for everyone. On the other hand, many of us bristle at the very word "God" and have no clue about spirituality, and sometime reject treatment and the 12 steps based on that. Being pregnant, you have a preferential, legal priority status for admission to an available program.
-- Edited by LeeU on Sunday 29th of March 2009 11:07:05 AM
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
get back into the program if you can. it was a bed. it was open. it was available. BTW, ur STILL not gonna agree with everyone/situation u meet thru out ur life. and you won't be able to just get up and walk away each time.
hey, maybe that was it.. you wanted to prove you can walk away when you disagree, instead of sitting there and 'taking it' (like in High School... geeze we had to sit thru 18 years of classess, whether we liked it or not. somedays in school, we would tune out, day dream.... just to survive the day.. LOL.. )
LeeU told you what to expect for next 18 plus years... all you need is 6 months to finish this current MIP. The baby is a MIP. As are you.
Think of it as a job you hate.... just go thru the motions.. who knows, you may make a friend in there. who needs you. that includes ur child.
i appreciate the feedback. although some hard to swallow..., i think i've gotten exactly what i needed (not wanted) to hear. i appreciate the rigorous honesty, yall. ----serenity26
hi- first of all its awesome that you are reaching out! i was able to stop using with my first two; with the first one the disease hadn't progressed to the point of no return so I was able to stop "because i'm pregnant". I picked up immediatly following his birth of course because i had no recovery. The second I moved out of state were meth use is not prevalent and I was ready for a break anyway. I gave that baby up for adoption and it was a beautiful experience. After that I found God (never had a connection or belief before) and I NEVER thought I would use again. I had been abstinent off meth for a year and a half but since there was no recovery still of course I picked up again. All it took was a phone call from an old friend and the desire to use came on so strong. Never underestimate the power of the disease. it will wait patiently until you think you got it licked.... Anyway the last pregnancy I could not stop. i was completely and utterly using against my will. it was different then the last two. Completely in the grip. i prayed that God would keep my baby healthy. i was too scared/selfish to ask for help. I was high when I gave birth. CPS came to the hospital and I surrendered in that moment. God blessed me with clarity in that moment when I realized I could lose my kids. Thank God my son was healthy and still is (he's two). I started going to meetings and I havent gone back Just For Today!!! Anyway just thought I'd share my story. If you ever want to chat i'm here!! I work with women who are pregnant and suffer from this disease. Surrender your will sweetie God will help keep you clean;)
it is always good for me to know that im not alone. since i first posted i have been clean everyday including today. i got a sponsor, attend meetings regularly, most of all i PRAY. and i havent felt the need to fill the void with substances. so....... so far so good --thanks 2 everyone
