Hi, I am new to this forum. I have been married for about 3 months now. I knew my husband had a drug problem in the past and when we hooked up he quit. He has relapsed twice, for one day each, since we met. The most recent was last night. He says that he can kick the habit totatlly, but something triggers it and he leaves. He will disappear and last time he was gone for only one day. This time I went and found him within a few hours of his leaving. I knew where to go this time and found him and brought him home. I don't know if he will go to any meetings here. He has gotten residential and outpatient treatment in the past, but now I think he doesn't want to go through that. It seems that it's always something emotional happens and he doesn't want to deal with the feelings, so he will start to drink and then it escalates to crack. What can I do to help him? What can I do to see the signs of a potential relapse and stop him the "Next TIme"? Please give me some advice. I am lost here.
Unfortunately, this is something that is out of your control. If he chooses to use, he'll use. If he chooses to recover, he'll get to some meetings and work a program. You are powerless.
I would suggest some NarAnon, CoDA or AlAnon meetings for YOU, regardless of what he chooses to do.
He has a disease and it's fatal. It has to be treated just like any other disease in order to keep it arrested. If he's been in treatment, he already knows that. You need to get educated about his disease and your own (co-dependence - your drug is him) so you can take care of you and stop caretaking him. He may need to suffer some consequences in order to get out of the denial that comes with this disease. As long as you continue to save him when he decides to use, he really has no reason to stop. I would do damage control to the best of my ability so that my risks of feeling his conseqences are minimized... Seperate accounts, he can spend up all his money but not your money or bill money... His vehicle in his name only, yours in your name and so forth. If you choose to stay in this marriage, you must accept him just the way he is. There are no "warning signs"... Addicts use because the disease starts telling us lies and we believe them. Addicts use when things are going well and when they are going to hell. Addicts use because they have the disease of addiction. A vigilant program and committment to abstinence are vital to recovery. Nobody can do that for the addict.
Feel free to email me anytime - jana516@att.net. I am an addict in recovery, coming up on 6 years clean next week AND an addict who lives with a struggling relapser. I've learned some things I'll be happy to share with you. We can even talk on the phone. I'm here for you!
-- Edited by Jana40503 on Saturday 28th of March 2009 05:45:19 PM
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
Addicts have a hard time in relationships. They tend to "perpetuate their own abandonment". It's difficult for them to get clean while in a relationship, and the stress of relationships can cause them to start using again. I would consider worst case scenarios and do some contingency planning, and tell him that next time that he leaves to go do drugs, don't come back. It's no kinda of life maintaining a revolving door for an addict. It just rewards them for their poor decision making.
It is so hard to discern when to hang in there, hoping to save your loved one, and when to "save yourself." In my journey, I had to accept the death of my daughter and go through all the grieving, even though I hoped and prayed she might still be alive, and might stay alive. She was, and did, but I was as good as dead to her for many, many years.
Fellowships like Nar-Anon and Al-Anon helped, as did some therapy with people who understood addiction and mental health.
What I most importantly learned from that time is I have to...choose to...no, have to...trust God to take care of me, to take care of my loved ones. And I believe today that even when I doubt, or am angry, or have sorrow, He (however I understand my Higher Power) is still there and still has me and mine in His care. We may be bound on earth, but I suspect that we are indeed free after our soul leaves the body. That's a personal belief and I don't mean any offense...only comfort, if that is a possibility.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Thank you all for your replies and encouragement. They have all helped in some ways. I know how difficult it is to answer this question. I feel that having this kind of forum to hear other people's stories is so great. I don't really have any outlet here for me for that yet. I am looking into it. But thank you for enlightening me to some things that I may or may not -- I hope may not -- be looking at. Currently, I have set some ground rules in our house -- GOD, I sound like the mother of another teenager, but that is what it takes at this point now. He does not have access to vehicles, or money. I will have all control of that until further notice. Since I am the primary provider, his job is part-time and mine is full-time (not by choice, just by the economy here). So I will control all of the finances. I hope this doesn't mean I am mothering him or smothering him. But I feel that if he is to stay here with me and my son, he must follow the rules just like everyone else and act accordingly. He does not currently have a license so he isn't even supposed to be driving anyway. But I have hidden the spare set of keys where only I know where they are this time. I hope that he can follow these rules, but I must prepare myself for the maybe the inevitable. I hope that I am helping him because I do love him, which I am sure all of you feel the same about your loved ones. And I only want the best for him, which I know that he can do. He has been alone -- by some things that have happened to him in the past -- for so long. He has never had anyone care enough, or stay around long enough to care. So I hope this relationship is healthy for him. I have never done drugs, or been an alcoholic, or any addiction before so I cannot understand some things that he is going through. But if I can give him that "normalcy" which he says he has been looking for , then I must try. Thanks all for letting me vent. And I will pray for you all and all of your loved ones. May Jehovah be with all of us.
