THIS
TOO
SHALL
PASS.


Just give it a chance to pass girl it will takes time I know exactly F'n  how your feeling and it does pass but you have got to show it who's boss, you got all of us here and there rooting for you and praying for you and sending higher powers your way, We can beat this thing or none of us would be here clean.

Get out of self if your going to think about anything think about how your family, your child will feel without a mother to bring her up in this world and what thats going to do to her and the man who loves you there and your folks and siblings, just think about one of them having to find you dead or go to the morgue to identify your body and just how terribly sad thats going to be for all of them burying you.

YOu know my doctor told me how I was going to die I was going to die from an esophagenal hemmorage , I was going to bleed to death probably while awake and watch myself die thats what I had instore for me and I thought about my poor Aunt coming by to check up on me and finding me in a pool of blood in my bed and I thought  about the pain of watching myself die like that I just didn't want to go that way and the drugs and booze just aren't worth that kind of death.

This program and the one your in are going to teach you how to live and you need to start giving Liz a chance to live and live good and for now that might mean fighting hard for that, your worth it we all are no matter our past and what we've done or been done to us we're all worth saving but you have to take responsibilty for your recovery for something your not responsible for having, thats a tough part there but where it starts is right where you are at right now, when its tough you get tough and understand that this disease and addiction is going to take your life that is its nature.

Do you want to give your life to those spirits to do with you what they like ?

This is a good life on this side of the fence all you have to do is hang on for awhile it will get better I promiss that to you personally.


Keep turning it over hell almost 3 years clean I still and will always turn my will and life over to my higher power as long as I do  that I will stay clean our higher powers don't want us using today we have choices today you stayed clean and give yourself credit that was your choice and you did well today.

We Love you Liz just hang on one more day.




-- Edited by BigV on Thursday 26th of March 2009 07:21:21 PM

all i do is sit and think about using and where i can get something. i thought i could handle this big commitment but i don't think i can. i love going to meetings. i look forward to going to them everyday. but everyday is the same. i never have anything to share. and i talk to my sponsor on a daily basis but i just dont see the point in trying anymore.

Really?  Sweety have you shared exactly what you wrote up there? ^^^^^

By sharing, you take the power out of that stinkin' thinkin' committee....

Write a letter, address it to your Disease...tell it what you REALLY think, tell it how you're NOT gonna let it get the best of you!

The things that are going through your head...well, baby that's just the disease getting all pissed off at ya cuz you're working so hard at keeping it caged up!  It don't like that you're learning how to keep it at bay - it wants to run free, like it used to, and it's gonna tell you ALL SORTS of things to try and get you to allow it to be unleashed again.

DONT LISTEN TO IT!!  Give it a piece of your mind, then pray...call your sponsor, and pray some more...share about it in a meeting, then pray some more.

One day at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time.  You can do this honey!

You'll be in my prayers tonite...

defeatedgirl, all this stuff that you're thinking and that you wrote here is your disease talking. It's trying to kill you and you think that it's your authenic self speaking. The real you is the one that asked for help, made the committment to treatment, the trouble your disease is trying to shut the real you out/off.

It's for this reason that newcomers are told "your brain is not your friend". "your best thinking got you here". "when an addict is up in his/her head, they are in a bad neighborhood" there's about ten more but you should be getting the point. Through using for the last 7 years, you altered a lot of things in your mind and body. Everytime that you were afraid, angry, or nervous you solved it with getting high. Even the least little problem, bang, get high. Now, because you've leaned on drugs sooo much to alter your feelings, you have no natural defenses against stress and you're stressing over the least little things. You've got nothing by time on your hands at 17. Chill out, relax and enjoy the freedom of not having to work, cook, shop for food, pay bills, raise kids, pay bills.... and work on your recovery. It's the most important thing (the only thing) right now. Start sharing in meetings. Take what you wrote above, print it and read it at the next meeting. It's exactly what you should be sharing so that you can get it off your chest and out of your head.

Dean

Hey! I want to give you a big hug and pray that God will put a shield around you to protect you. You can do this! As a parent of a young addict I can imagine how hard it is as I watch my son struggle. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done, and it is a continuing battle, but you can win it one day at a time. You mentioned you weren't selfish and wouldn't kill yourself, but actually that's what people do when they use........it can be a slow death or it can result in a fast death if overdose occurs. Either way-----there is no turning back.

Your health and your life are important and you have so much of your life ahead although you are depressed right now there are many wonderful things that can and will happen eventually in your life...but it will take time. As you stay clean and your brain starts to function normally again instead of "short circutiting" because of past drug use you will feel better, but it's never easy. Life period is never easy.

Please take a deep breath and hang in there. Talk to people who have been there and are recovering. If they have done it....(millions have) you can do it too!

HI defeatedgirl,
    My name is Kathleen and I am an addict. I have spent the last 7 months of my adult life free from drugs and alcohol. I read your post and I want to say that I empathize with you. I just want to share some things that I use when I start to think that life would be much easier if I just let the monster in my head have its way.

1. The reason that I became an addict in the first place is because I wanted to be normal. First problem with this is who decidedes what is normal? When I think back, it is my interactions with the normal people that helped me to turn to drugs to numb my brain and turn off my feelings. This comment is not me passing the responsibility of my addiction to someone else. I used of my own free will, but every addict has a time when they realize that it is easier to not feel than deal.

2. What I have learned during my journey through this time- the part that I call my new life- is that I will never be normal. Ever. When I was able to look at this with a clear mind, I realized that not being normal is a blessing and a gift. Being clean does not mean conforming to an ideal that everyone else expects from us. Being clean just means dealing with life with life on lifes terms. Nothing more. We as addicts have a slight advantage over normal people. There are traits of our addicts personality that drives us. When we are no longer directing it towards finding our next fix we can use it to our advantage to fulfill our goals and dreams. I promise you, when a recovering addict wants something, they dont stop working until they get it.

This next point I write because it is my truth. My ex-husband may be lurking the message board and read it. He may even try to use it against me, but today, I live for my truths.

3. There have been many times that I have thought to myself that it would be easier to just use and not feel. There are so many reasons why I need to stay clean. So many things that I would loose. At times, I have wondered if it would be easier to just give in one time. There is so much to work for it seems and I sometimes think that I cant do it all. At these times I narrow everything down to a pin prick. I will acknowledge that I have been a screw up when it comes to my own life but I will narrow it down to something as small as I shower every day today. Sometimes I just stay clean so that I can continue doing that. The reality is that we cannot fulfill all of the expectations that our family places on us, and sometimes our own expectations are even higher. Sometimes we just need to lower the bar and live just till that shower, or just till lunch.

The further that we go down this road of recovery the more tools we have at our disposal to deal with the bad days.
Good luck, keep moving forward, even if you sometimes have to crawl.

kitizzy

Vini i want to give myself to the higher powers and let them do with me whatever they want. i want to know what it feels like to be on your side of the fence. with more than just a month clean. i want to be able to say that i've been clean for years. but yes i know it takes time. i know to live one day at time. one minute at a time and even one second at a time. and remembering that really helps me when im having a bad day. all i have to do is make it to lunch or dinner or just this day.

Elizabeth to be totally honest i hate sharing in front of people. i hate talking in front of people period. but i did share what i wrote before and it really helped. just to get it off of my chest. and everyone at treatment i know is going through the same exact thing. but i just feel like im alone on this journey. even though im not. it just feels like i am. i have just realized that i like to write! i just started writing in a journal about everything and it feels so good to get everything off of my chest without even having to say a word. i took your advice elizabeth and wrote a letter to myself and whenever i think about using i read it and it makes me strong just for that day. to keep my focus on what im doing and what i should be focusing on.

dean the problem is that i dont know the difference between the real me trying to talk and the f'ed up me. i did lean on drugs a lot and now i don't know how to deal with stress or whatever. and i know i have a ton of time to sort things out but one of my fears is something will happen unexpectedly and i won't be here tomorrow for some reason or that i'll end up commiting suicide or something of that nature. there was a girl yesterday in the room next to mine she killed herself. she took a blade and cut herself. she bled to death. she was young. probably in her 20's. we just started talking and becoming close friends and then she goes and pulls a stunt like this. i feel bad for her family. i really don't want to end up like her.

wildcat i know that doing drugs is killing me slowly but i was talking more as in the sense of suicide etc. i have overdosed more than once which put me in the hospital. so i do know. i just want my brain to start thinking normally RIGHT NOW! but it wont. i hope your son is doing alright.

thanks for sharing with me kathleen.

so i decided to stay at treatment for the time being. hopefully i'll stay for the full 90 days because i really want to do this not just for me but for my family so maybe they will talk to me and not think that im a fuck up and for my friends since they paid for it. i want someone to be proud of me for once and not be disappointed.

thankyou everybody. tomorrow is my birthday the big 18 can't wait!

-- Edited by gettingbackup on Tuesday 31st of March 2009 01:47:38 PM