My son is trying to stay clean. He is recently out of a short detox/rehab facility and has returned to his fiance' and his child who is about a year old. He is now back to work and faced with the demands of returning to the job and responsibilities he has. He is fearful as I hear it in his voice when I speak to him. He is experiencing high levels of anxiety and has asked his mother to accompany him to a doctor appointment tomorrow to see what needs to be done about his high anxiety. I have offered him support, but have at times, preached to him about taking care of himself his child and his fiance'. I know he is under tremendous pressure. My wife and I have attended al-anon so I am familiar with the concepts of the program. It just feels as if I am waiting for a "bomb" to go off with a problem in his recovery rather it will be a relapse or a separation from his fiance and child. I know I didn't cause it/can't curre it, but I want to be there for support without enaabling. My wife and I are extremely close and love our kids to death. By the way, he is 25 and definitely not a kid anymore. What should I do to assist without enabling? Any feedback or anything helpful would be great.
Hi...my 2-cents worth, having been in a similar spot as u describe, is try to not let doubt and fear rule-the time is now for trust...in your own higher power. Here's a snippet from the book One Day at a Time in Al-Anon (pg. 73 from 3/13): "I pray that I may not fall into the error of anticipating trouble. If it should come, let me meet it with equanimity and love." My daughter is 35, and believe me, she's still "the kid" to me!LOL She usually gives it to me straight: "Ma, don't help." Hey, I only have 24 years clean time & sobriety...what the heck do I know? The one area I do interject when possible is to assure that her health practitioners are knowledgible about both addiction and mental health, including the pharmocology involved. Best wishes.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Lee, good to know you're a gal! :>) One of my favorite names, my middle name, my dad's name... Often wished it was my first name.
Wildcat, Welcome and {{{hugs}}}.
Lee quoted the perfect meditation. I understand the trepidation and the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop all too well. I'm not only a recovering addict, I'm the spouse of a relapser. What I've learned is that not only did I not cause it, nor can I cure it... I'm powerless over what he decides to do about his own recovery and abstinence.
Being healthy in terms of codepencence and supportive of an addict is not to say, "I'm here for you no matter what". Healthy says, "I love you no matter what. I'm here for you (physically and emotionally) as long as you are working on your recovery. I will not participate in your destruction/addiction (physically or emotionally). You will live with the consequences of whatever choices you make.
So, now he's clean. Live in the moment. Everything is OK right now. If he uses again, make decisions then. Support, once someone has chosen a path of recovery, is probably a mostly "hands off" approach. HE has to go to meetings, HE has to get a sponsor, HE has to work steps, HE has to make a committment to stay clean. None of us can do it for him. I hope he'll join us here himself!
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
Wildcat, it takes what it takes. It's very difficult for newly recovering addicts or alcoholics to focus on themself, go to meetings daily, talk to there sponsor dailty, read the program literature daily, have contact with other rercovering people daily, work on spirituality daily, when you are in a relationship that you're not qualified to be in (can't love others if you can't love yourself) one. Chances are good that he won't make it, while still living with wife and child. I know from first hand experience and have seen it a lot in 22 years of going to meetings. Maybe he'll make it, but if I were you I'd accept that the worse case may happen and be ok with it. It takes what it takes. How many cigarette smokers won't quit until they have a heart attack? Even then many won't. Addicts typically have to lose an aweful lot before the pain of continuing to use is worse that the pain of having to work very hard to recover. If your son is not going to meetings daily, and working hard on his program, he's probably on borrowed time. Meetings are a great way to relieve stress. Usually a sponsor will tell the person to increase the number of meetings, that they are attending when they hear that stress is mounting.
