I am not a recovering addict, but someone I love very much is. God finally "placed him gently" in jail where he is getting counseling, drug classes and reading a lot. He is very willing and wants to truly be done with that part of his life. He's very open about all that he's gone through but how do I forgive all the hurt? How do I belive that after 100 times of hearing "I'm done" that he really is done? How do I learn to trust again? We've been together for 2 rough years and I truly thought I could help. Did I fail? I just hang my head & cry...for him and for me.
Hi...just real quick...depending upon where you live, you might find that there are local Nar-Anon groups, which are 12 step meetings for family and friends of addicts.
I just "googled" Nar-Anon. Here's a link to the official organization: http://www.nar-anon.org/naranongroups.htm Here is another one for online Nar-Anon meetings: http://www.recovery-world.com/Nar-Anon-Online-Meetings.html
And no, you didn't fail. It's his deal and he's got to do it. As they say, "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it." If you have insurance you might consider a program for yourself that is specifically for the family...usually accessed through the substance use/mental health part of the coverage. Some employers also have Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) that can often direct you to local appropriate resources. Good luck!
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
I'd also suggest co-dependents anonymous. Addicts are generally co dependents and so are the people who get involved with us.
There is NOTHING you do that makes him use and there is NOTHING you do that will keep him clean. This is what we have to understand about the disease of addiction. Oh sure, we'll be blamed but it's BS.
As for the trust, it takes time and it may be broken again... we can't predict the future. Only you will know when you've had enough.
Keep posting, you'll find support here but please find some people in your situation who can offer you their experience, strength and hope.
{{{hugs}}}
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
Welcome! Im sure we would all love to help you. You are probably an enabeler like me. I am an addict but my partner is still using and I enable that to happen. I have been clean for 19 months. I must be stupid to stay in the relationship but we have 14 years together. Before my mother died, she thought she had done something wrong with me. That is not the case. She passed 3 years ago and I still cry because I know she would be so proud of me. You will be in my prayers...
honestly, I'd suggest that he go live in a halfway house for a year to learn how to live clean and sober. Most newly recovering addicts aren't ready for a relationship (they just don't know how). They need to learn how to love and take care of themselves before they can do it for others. Jumping into or back into a relationship is setting both people up to fail. If you have a choice (no marriage, no kids) let him go recover. If it's meant to be, it'll be.
Dean gives sage advice but I know it's very hard to take when you love someone... I know that from experience.
I'm an addict and I live with an addict who struggles with relapse although he's clean now, coming up on 60 days.
If you are going to stay in the relationship you MUST learn how to take care of YOU, how to be OK no matter what he decides to do, how to leave his problems and his consequences where they belong... With HIM. Coda can help with that as can NarAnon. Find some meetings in your area and get a foundation begun while he's still locked up. Even if you don't end up with him, it will serve you well in future relationships.
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
Hello and Congrats to All Who Seek Sobriety (Do narc addicts seek sobriety? Or how do you say "staying clean" in one word?)
I, too, am not a recovering addict. I am the mother of 3 adult children, all of whom choose alcohol (son chose Meth until one day he woke up enough to get out of the drug scene) to avoid reality, it seems. While my girls and their friends/spouses "party" a lot (both girls are bartenders), my son is definitely an addict, exchanging one drug for another. The past two times I've visited at his home, I saw ONE UGLY GUY... actually the UGLY DRUG controlling the guy. My heart is bleeding with pain, but he refuses to see any problem and his bride of 2 years chooses denial.
I'm here because I'm seeing the "stinking thinking" of my son who cleaned up on his own (God's power, totally) and refused to go to a good in-patient recovery program. His attitude was/is: "I'm not like THEM." I'm needing commradery from other parents. I've never been an addict but was raised in a very violent alcoholic home. I know how this story goes...
At your advice, i went to the nar-anon site and plugged into the chat room, but no one is around. I'm wondering how active nar-anon sites really are. Maybe I'll learn more here?
Hi-Sounds like real live local Al-Anon may be of some help to you. We who have become addicted, or have addictive disease, or a substance use disorder, or are chemically dependent---whatever you want to call it...do not "choose" this condition, no matter how it may look to others. People also do not "choose" denial. That is a well-known psychodynamic of how addiction affects everyone in the family system. There are, in some localities, good outpatient programs for family members to get sound information about these matters.
PS-Many of us say "clean time" and don't usually refer to ourselves as "narc" addicts, but my 2-cents worth is don't get hung up on the labels or the jargon...I think there's too much of it anyway!
-- Edited by LeeU on Monday 23rd of March 2009 07:03:13 PM
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Hello and Congrats to All Who Seek Sobriety (Do narc addicts seek sobriety? Or how do you say "staying clean" in one word?)
