Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life, but in the middle of it all, losing my job, yet again, due to drugs, that I finally came to the realization that I don't want to do this anymore...I sat down and told both my husband, and my daughter, about all of the lies I have been living and told them that I am tired of hiding and lying and I don't want to do this anymore...I need help...I found this site online first thing this morning and have been reading thru it all day....I really did think I was all alone in this, but now I know I'm not....I need any advice or suggestions on how to proceed from here...am feeling very fragile, and am paralyzed at the thought of going to a meeting and having to speak to strangers, but it isn't so hard for me to do it online...how does one go about finding a sponsor, literature, etc??
Honey, meetings are part of the program. It's where we connect with other recovering addicts, find a sponsor, learn about our disease and recover! Every one of us was scared and didn't want to go to our first meeting. This is about doing things different including some things we don't want to do! We walk through the fear of going to the first meeting and then we aren't scared anymore. We find that we are loved before we are even known!
This board is a great support tool but it's not the program. Find a meeting, take your husband to the first one if you need to for courage and then go back on your own. Make some friends!
We will love you until you can love yourself!
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
And its actually better if you go to some meetings and listen for a bit, listen for things you can relate to and you'll probably find you have so much in common ou will want to be there because those people are the ones we relate to and understand and they understand us.
Welcome aboard sometimes it takes what it takes its not the end of the world possibly just a new begining.
Welcome to the board and your new journey in recovery. Another recommendation to get into meetings. You might want to share here what your drug of choice is so that those with experience in that care share what they did in early recovery. You might consider outpatient treatment, especially if your health insurance is still in affect. If NA has an intergroup office in your town they may have some women in the program that will take you to some meetings or meet you there so that you don't have to go to your first meeting alone. Meetings are very friendly and you'll be extended a warm welcome. In the begining of the meeting they ask who is new, raise your hand and introduce youself by your first name. After the meeting, women members will come talk with you and give you their phone numbers. You could ask one of them to be your temporary sponsor, and begin calling her daily so that you'll have someone to talk to especially when you feel like using, that's very important that you have someone to call and help you out of that. That's how it works, one addict helping another. There are "Lone Rangers" in recovery, not for long anyway.
Thanks to everyone who answered my post. logging on to this site was the first thing i did when i got up today i have not been out of the house since yesterday, except to find a list of meetings locally. (the reason for this is more vanity than fear- i have been picking at my face for several days because of stress and somewhat resemble a leper just now....am embarrassed to even be seen at the grocery store and the makeup is making it worse...stupid reason, but i do have some vanity left) i have never been picky about a drug of choice. i graduated from nursing school in 1981, started using when i met my first husband in 1984...back then it was qualludes, percocets and pot. then switched to preludins, black beauties and coke in the late 80's. in 1992, after i had my daughter, i started taking prozac from work and was fired in rapid succession from 3 jobs....figured that staying in nursing was not a very good idea at that point , so just let my license lapse, but i stole vicodins, darvocets, percocets and fentanyl patches from my mother, and after my grandfather died, i pocketed his liquid morphine and dilaudid...at that point i did get to a doctor, got put on antidepressants and left my husband...oh, i was also drinking alot of rum and whiskey from the time i was in nursing school too. the antidepressants helped some and i stayed unemployed and somewhat agoraphobic for a few years until i met my current husband in 2005. i wasn't using at that time but was still drinking pretty heavily. i moved to virginia and married my current husband within 6 months of us meeting. i stopped drinking at that point and haven't had any alcohol in 3 years 6 months and 4 days. i was also clean from any drugs at all except vitamins for 2 years 2 months and 13 days. i started a job doing home care for the elderly, got active in the church down here and then in rapid succession, my husband was diagnosed with chronic lyme disease and my mother in law with terminal lung cancer. i started taking vicodins again from a client, just a few at a time, then from more than 1 client, and the numbers kept increasing. i was prescribed 10 mg vicodins from my doctor for a shoulder injury and tylox for kidney stones and was pretty much using on a constant basis. 2 weeks ago, i didn't have anything and started to panic...i noticed a client had a script for tramadol with refills, and i called the refill in and picked it up. i pretty much knew when i picked it up that i would get caught. i had to sign at the pharmacy for it, and there were security cameras there too, so in hindsight i pretty much am looking at that as wanting to get caught. my boss called me into the office on monday, along with the client's family and after dancing around it for a few hours, i admitted it. the family was very understanding, the boss less so. needless to say, i got fired. i got home and was able to tell my husband and daughter- that went much better than i anticipated. we threw out everything in the house and aside from crying almost constantly for about 36 hours and being paranoid that the cops are gonna show up, i'm maintaining. my brother in law is in N.A. and has been clean now for 26 years and i don't know whether i should talk to him or whether it would be easier to just go to a meeting where nobody knows me. my only problem with that is that i have always been unable to talk face to face with groups of people, whether i know them or not. i think that will be the hardest thing for me to do. i have never told anyone but my husband any of the stuff i've written today. i am going to go to a meeting today at noon, and i will listen, as you suggested , and learn. right now tho, this board is my lifeline and i am holding on very tight. we have meetings scheduled near my house 5 days a week at noon and i am gonna hit them all, beginning today. i am just so scaredof everything and embarrassed..will be back later and let you know how meeting number 1 goes.
"my brother in law is in N.A. and has been clean now for 26 years and i don't know whether i should talk to him or whether it would be easier to just go to a meeting where nobody knows me. my only problem with that is that i have always been unable to talk face to face with groups of people, whether i know them or not. i think that will be the hardest thing for me to do. i have never told anyone but my husband any of the stuff i've written today. i am going to go to a meeting today at noon, and i will listen, as you suggested , and learn. right now tho, this board is my lifeline and i am holding on very tight. we have meetings scheduled near my house 5 days a week at noon and i am gonna hit them all, beginning today. i am just so scaredof everything and embarrassed..will be back later and let you know how meeting number 1 goes."
This is the part that matters now. Of course you should have your brother-in-law take you to meetings and introduce you to as many people as he can. We all had to begin at the begining. I remember sitting in meetings when I didn't know anyone and just sweating. I was too scared to speak and when I did I stuttered. Looking back, all that fear was for nothing. Everyone in those rooms knew exactly how I felt and where I came from becasue they were just like me. Remember that, we feel your pain and we want you to feel like family and be comfortable in the meetings and outside the meetings. Probably the most underestimated benefit of the program is the "Fellowship". That is making new friends in the program and getting involved with the group in and outside of the rooms. There are all kinds of extra curicular activities in the groups and other groups. Dinners, lunches, breakfest, dances, picnics, conventions, beach weeks, softball, bowling, skiing.....whatever people do for fun NA and AA groups are doing it clean and sober. And learning how to live and have fun without mood altering substances and deal with life on life's terms, is what we must do. So we absolutely must have fun, friends, and fellowship in and outside of the meetings. So get busy with the B.I.L. and meet some people and get phone numbers and share your stuff. Problems shared are problems Halved. And the stuff you shared above, when you share it in meetings, there will always be some folks in there that have done 10 times more and at some point when you realize that it nothing to be ashamed of you'll be able laugh about it, when they say, "Is that all"? lol
I just got back from my first meeting, and you were right, it wasn't nearly as bad as i had imagined it...i did manage to introduce myself without bursting into flames or crying, which was a huge accomplishment in itself! don't think i am ready to talk to brother in law yet but i know now that i can go to the meetings and hopefully will soon be able to share out loud and get some phone numbers and connect with a sponsor. I did have a clutch moment this morning tho, when one of my old clients called my cell phone and left me a message asking me to go pick up a script for her at the drugstore...I just deleted the message and let it go...figure my ex-office will let her know I am no longer with them sooner or later. just talked to my husband too and let him know that i actually made it to a meeting, and will tell my daughter when i pick her up from school in a half hour.
Hi there! Congratulations and welcome. I think detox is difficult and uncomfortable but not at all impossible and not at all forever. Just know it gets easier after the initial few days or weeks of shock. That time will fly by just like all the days and weeks before it did, just stick to it. It's not impossible and your life will improve in ways you never imagined. You came to the right place. I have found some great friends here after feeling very alone and unique - now I know I am more normal than I thought! Good luck and keep coming, believe me everything gets better one little bit at at a time! emily
thank you emily! aside from feeling kinda antsy, the physical part going ok so far.....am actually looking forward to tomorrow's meeting...it really did help to find out that i don't have to be alone in this...my old boss and his assistant both called me today to see how i was doing and to make sure i was ok...both offered to help however they could, and i told them that their support means alot to me. my other ex employers couldn't wait to be rid of me and pretend i didn't exist...being open with other people, like on here, is a completely new experience for me..knowing that i don't have to hold it in and hide anymore is a great relief..am hoping to be able to get some phone numbers and start looking for a sponsor in the next few days. thank you again!
Hi Susan. I am glad you choose to check out this site. It sounds like you are right on track and doing everything that you can. I wish you the best of luck!! Stay Strong.
Hi..congratulations on your decision...a few cautions off the top of my head...the only way I could be safe getting medical/dental care was to tell my health practitioners about my addictions and alcoholism. Its too easy to get the drugs I want from them if they're not clued in. Plus they need to know in order to give me the best care and be able to treat serious pain, when it occurs, effectively in my recovery. When I let them know what they were actually dealing with, it was a great relief. Also I went out of my way to locate providers who are knowledgeable about addiction, so I knew I would have docs/nurses/dentist etc. who had some training in treating addicts in remission, since it can be complicated, depending on the circumstances (for example, if you are agoraphobic). By the way, I lived in Va. for many years. You are in a great town for meetings!! Enjoy the Apple Parade!!
-- Edited by LeeU at 19:39, 2009-03-04
-- Edited by LeeU at 19:42, 2009-03-04
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Thank you... it seems like the whole world has changed since monday...thanks for the advice about looking for dr.'s. up until now, i've had an uncanny knack for finding only the ones to prescribe what i wanted, not what i needed. seriously, i do have some health issues that will need addressed, and i know that i can't go back to my old dr....actually, was thinking of trying some alternative eastern treatments for my physical pain, i.e acupuncture, but need to research a little more first..next meeting at noon, so time to get this show on the road and do some reading and my meditations.. will check in later
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
went to meeting number 2 today...am still not comfortable speaking up, but that seems to be ok, at least for now...it is still much easier for me to find a voice in this forum. am still feeling kinda shaky, but am holding tight to the meetings and to this site...have also gotten my daughter set up to go to an alateen meeting friday eve. with a friend of hers whose parents both have the same problem (as long as her grandma is ok with the idea) any other suggestions to help me help her would be appreciated...she is having a rough time with all of this, but we are finally talking honestly for the first time in an awful long time. thanks to everyone again!
We have harmed alot of people being addicts, and most of all we harmed ourselves.
If you were like me you make to make amends for your past behaviors. I discovered the ONLY way for me to make things better, was to get fully involved with the NA program.
I tried to share where I was at every meeting. I learned to listen to others without judging them or omparing pasts, I got a sponsor, read the basic text, went to meetings, and finally started to work the steps and to be of service.
Give yourself a break, and keep going to meetings.
i have started making my list of people i need to make amends to, have started a daily journal and ordered some of the literature for myself. talking to people has never come easy for me, but i know that sharing is a really important step that i do need to take. just listening to others at the meetings in the past 2 days has been amazing...such courage....it really is helping so much more than i ever thought it could...just learning that other people have gone through the same things as me and have had the same thoughts and feelings...thanks for helping!
You are most welcome. Just remember amends comes way later, the 9th step, and there are 8 that MUST be done first. I could talk forever about surrendering to my addiction, and being honset enough to admit that it made my life unmanagable. I worked the 1st step for 8 months. Some say it's the most important step.
The best way to make them is to recover and be a better person because of it
.she is having a rough time with all of this, but we are finally talking honestly for the first time in an awful long time. thanks to everyone again!
Susan,
kids worry a lot when they think that their security is threatened. And they shouldn't have to, it takes away from their childhood when they should just be having fun being a kid. You need to reassure her that you're ok, she's ok, that she need not worry, and that you love her. Pick up a copy of "On the family" by John Bradshaw. It explains the dynamics of multi-generational family dyfuntion and addiction and the effect on children.
It turns out to be a parenting manual when you read what learn what addict or alcohlic parents do, that screws up their kids, and move away from those behaviors. The greatest gift that we can give our children is self esteem. But it's hard to give what you never got, you really have to reach down deep.
went to meeting number 2 today...am still not comfortable speaking up, but that seems to be ok, at least for now...it is still much easier for me to find a voice in this forum. am still feeling kinda shaky, but am holding tight to the meetings and to this site...have also gotten my daughter set up to go to an alateen meeting friday eve. with a friend of hers whose parents both have the same problem (as long as her grandma is ok with the idea) any other suggestions to help me help her would be appreciated...she is having a rough time with all of this, but we are finally talking honestly for the first time in an awful long time. thanks to everyone again!
That's so awesome to hear Susan, way to go, thanks for sharing. It works, you are a proof
Prayers, best wishes and fellowship love.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Today is not such a great day....i want to take something, anything....have a meeting in less than 2 hours, so right now i am going minute to minute....it would be so easy to go out and i could have the pills in my hand in an hour or less, but i know that won't solve anything and i really can't live that way anymore...i just can't...i know i can do this, i know i can do the steps, it just really sucks, you know? am gonna go take a shower and go hang out early at my meeting....thanks guys
got to my meeting today and i feel much better now...just hearing that some of the others are having the same problems that i am having helps....came out from the meeting and found a note on my windshield...my husband stopped by on his way to see a client and left me a note reminding me to stay strong and that he loves me...that helped alot too. i think i'm conjuring alot of the physical symptoms in my head, just so i can go out and use....so for today, i am just sticking with being clean from minute to minute and that is working. thanks guys
have been to 4 meeings...took my daughter to yesterday's meeting and she wants to go with me again today....the physical cravings are the worst...not sleeping much at all and am still feeling pretty jumpy most of the time...i am so tired...am starting a new job tomorrow, so will see how that goes...the time is flexible at least, so i don't have to miss meetings...hopefully i can find a sponsor this week too, although several people i have talked to this week are having major problems with their sponsors and are talking about doing online sponsors...what is that all about? thanks again!
Hey Susan - i hope you are ok today, Keep it simple. Get a real sponsor, not an online one. You don't need to listen to what the others are saying about sponsors. They are probably just going through early recovery hiccups.
I was 10 years clean yesterday and my life has been wonderful and keeps getting better. It is worth the hard yards of early recovery. Life doesn't need to be miserable - NA gives us what we need to live as responsible and productive members of society. Stick at it :)
