Hi everyone, I'm back! I now have 4 days (assuming I stay sober for the rest of the day ) TOTALLY, completely sober. I have spent the last 4 going thru fairly mild W/D from stopping the medication I began using to detox off the opiates, and very quickly began abusing. After the first day or two, maybe it was even the first day, I dont' know, I quickly realized that while it didn't give me the same feeilng as an opiate high (I was taking tramadol), it did change the way I felt, and it felt good! I did a little research, since, this was NOT Dr ok'd, I 'prescribed' it to myself, after reading online that it can be used for detox. I had a bottle in my cabinet, which I had considered useless b/c it wasn't a narcotic pain med, LOL. Anyway, I really did start out with good intentions, but like any real addict, the minute I got that drug in my system all my good intentions flew out the window and it became my new master. I even read in my research that it IS a narcotic, a man made opiate, similar to codeine, and should NOT be prescribed to anyone who has a drug/alcohol problem. I ignored that, and not long after, realised that two pills every 4 hours kept the depression and diarrhea at bay, so...wouldn't 4 be better? then 6, then 8, THEN I got my dr to write me for back pain, told her I would rather be on that than an opiate, which of course she ate up!... and the last day I did it I took 45 in one day(just to give you an idea of where I was at, you aren't supposed to take more than 6 in 24 hr). I am an addict, guys. Oh and for the record, you do get a mild opiate high when you take 45! Anyway, when I was taking that many, the day or two before the last, it was that same empty feeling that I used to get from the oxy, never enough. Someone in a meeting last night compared it to filling a siv (sp?) you keep pouring more in and it's emptying out the bottom faster than you can pour it, so you always feel empty. I realized that I was lying, and had to start my sobriety date over. I tried lying about my date a few times in the last 4 years I've been in and out, and guess WHAT it NEVER WORKED. So here I am, back, honest, humbled, but grateful for the opportunity to do it right....again.....lol It feels weird most days, being 'totally sober'. Yesterday was AWFUL, in terms of my head screaming at me-I'm sure you all know waht I'm talking about so I'll spare you the details. I called people, wrote, rinse, repeat, etc...and nothing seemed to lift the obsession for very long. It is scary how quickly that thought to use can come back and even doing all the 'right' things the obsession is also still there. I know I'm still really early and trying to be easy on myself. Today is better. I have discovered a solution for my crazy ass head, for me anyway, just...STAY BUSY. Like, all the time. and it is SO hard for me to stay in the moment, but I literally talk myself thru everything, I would look like a crazy person to anyone watching but honestly I dont' give a fuck. I am truly doing this thing, this time, YOUR way, GOD"s way, NOT MY WAY and yeah, I dont' feel great most of the time, but I have the hope and belief that it will and does get better if I keep doing this. My only other option is to keep putting myself right back in that W/D which as most of you probably know SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS....oh yeah, or DIE. K, I have probably ranted enough. Anyway, hope everyone is well.
Thanks! I was trying for the 'easier softer way' i guess...I have been hitting at least one, sometimes two even three face meetings a day. This thing is tough. I don't remember it being this hard.
I think the only cure for detox pain is time, so if you stick with it and keep writing, keep busy, whatever to pass the time without it, in time you will heal. Good luck and take good care. emily
yeah, writing... i'm doing it because you people keep telling me to! lol it does help, but getting started....ugh i met with my sponsor today and we read bill's story in the big book together (i'm doing aa, as i have had alcohol addiction in the past as well) she gave me some homework to do so i'm on my way to the club to write in peace and then hit the meeting. thanks for your support, rachel
Honesty , to thine OWN SELF be true , sounds like your starting there thats a good step towards recovery, your going to be fine just stay honest in everything you do or mostly everything LOL especially things having to do with using.
My last relapse I started taking pain meds given to me by a friend I just got tired of the continuos pain first took 1 then 2 then 3 then 5 then 10 I got up to 15 after a few weeks of playing around and then ended up using my drug of choice quit messing around .
All the while especially after the first time I used 3 told myself YOU JUST RELAPSED telling myself NO NO NO no I didn't, then that evening taking 8 YEAH OK I relapsed and I sure feel like having a drink, talking myself out of it and KNOWING it wouldn't be long, and it wasn't, one night out drinking and smoking crack again just like the last day I stopped using 5 years earlier.
So sounds like your getting serious and vigilant with your program good on you thats what needs doing so keep at it don't play games take it real serious and you will be fine.
this s* is so deadly. it makes me really angry! i hear people say that they are 'grateful' addicts or alcoholics and i totally don't get that shit!!! someone like you, with 5 years clean, and it can STILL get at you in the most fd up ways. we don't ever get a minute's rest from being watchful of this sneaky fr and to be honest i'm fng resentful over it!!!
(Side note: to My Honesty: It is awesome that you have gotten honest with yourself. I have wondered why I posted to you and you never replied back.)
I have to be honest, I understand I am brand new here, certainly have not put in the cyber time the rest of you had, however, I can't say it did/has bothered me that you did not reply back at all to anything I said. Maybe you can't relate, I don't know. I do know I allowed myself to feel shunned. I have realized that is extremely the wrong choice for myself/sobriety. I suppose what I am saying is, I certainly have not felt welcomed here and that is a shame. We all should! Maybe it is time to look around and notice the same members are the ones posting/replying. In any case, that is my perception.
Foglifting I most often don't reply first to direct posts to others, so sorry I didn't reply but know that I did read your thread and probably should have anyhow if not just to make you feel welcome, I apologize for that we are gald to have you here.
Surrender the part about being greatful is that it often brings us to a different place then many other people can get to who don't have the same struggles we do,this is sure one way to get to know God or a higher power and if not for that then just be greatful for each day your clean and free from the obsession to use and if not for that, if that hasn't happened yet then be greatful you still have a family hanging in there with you that your health is generally good or that you aren't dead from OD or some other drug related issue.
Theres lots of thing to find or look for to be greatful for, kinda changes your attitude a little when you do that, we can't afford to be angry it feeds our addiction and our hopeless out look on life which occurs naturally for a lot of us
wow i'm sorry if my not responding made you feel unwelcome. i have been going thru a lot of personal stuff, obviously with getting clean, and do a lot of face meetings/working w/ my sponsor outside of here. if that is all it takes for you to go out, then you are probably not done. you are selfish just like me and every other addict and f'd up in your thinking. i can only say this because i, too, have let things like that take/keep me out of the rooms, give me resentments, etc. and, i am saying this for myself: i can't make you feel any way, that is your own issue. not my fault. but, i have felt the same way you are talking about so for that i'm sorry that you're feeling that way. my experience with that is to find someone who is available. dude, i am in my 1st week still, find someoene with time and something you want and ask them to work with you. good luck hugs
i just re read what you wrote...after taking time throughout the day because i am still so raw in my emotions and a crazy mess in my head that it really pissed me off this morning, i felt like you were attacking me for not resopnding but i just re read it and heard something a little different. you are being honest and talking about where you're at and that is so huge! i'm proud of you. my sponsor and i were just talking about that today actually. last night i was really entertaining the idea of getting back on my adhd meds (which i have abused in the past, tho they are not nearly as bad as the opiates for me they would probably lead me back there) anyway, my crazy thinking was that i'm going to get fat now that i'm sober and i needed them to lose weight.... so i started feeding that thought, and researching shit online, and had this voice in my head saying i didn't want to tell anyone cuz what if they told me i couldn't do it. then i thought about what the program/people tell me i should do: tell on myself. i can still do whatever i want after but saying it out loud for me really took the power out of it. you saying where you're at takes the power out of that resentment, instead of stewing on it, stuffing it down, whatever we do. wow. i now have to look at myself for getting so disturbed by what you posted earlier. lol anyway i am proud of you and i hope you keep doing exactly what you are. it's such a simple program, but for me following directions does not come naturally. yet, it's so easy! and that's all we have to do! and it works!
Your back! I have been wondering where you were and worrying about if you were ok. Sounds like you are kinda ok but still hurting. A long time ago a friend of mine told me that if you substitue one drug for another that is when you know you are an addict. And everytime he said it to me it pissed me off. I honestly have never been sober with out being on prescribed medication to help me get and stay sober. So I want to congratulate you for doing it cold turkey it takes a lot of courage. To this day I am too scared to come off suboxone. Soon I will have to and that is when the truth will be revealed. Can I really stay clean with out it. Being on it I feel safe I can't get high even if I tried. However when I first got sober my own mind was my worst enemy but like you I found things to do that kept it busy. And believe it or not coloring worked the best for me. I did every single day and for hours. Anyways I am glad your back and I wish you the best of luck.
aw thank you so much!! that really means a lot! and i just want to say that YES you CAN do it. believe me, the last 5 days have been really hard. mostly hard, with very brief and fleeting moments of peace, usually only in meetings or meeting with my sponsor. the first 2 days i didn't even leave my house, but thankfully the detox was nothing like when i came off oxy a few years ago. i don't know what it will be like for you with your meds, but just know that you can do it. today is day 5 for me, 100 percent sober and so far i have felt like i've been literally forcing myself thru the motions, going to meetings, calling women, praying my ASS off, and not getting much relief (as much as i wanted may be a better way to put it). anyway, today i woke up...and felt weird. i didn't feel depressed!!!!!!!!!!! i also take vitamin supplements to help with that and would be more than happy to fwd you a list that i have found really helpful. i have an amazing natural medicine encyclopedia and it has a whole section on vitamins, supplements, diet for drug addiction, detox, etc. it's amazing. you can do this. are you ready and willing to try a new way? it does work. it's working for me. even when i dont' want it to. lol as long as i just follow directions. like telling my sponsor i was seriously considering getting back on adhd meds to lose weight (i am 5'4" and 118 lbs btw, so obviously just my disease fucking wiht me). anyway, it took the power out of it and guess what...i didn't do it and don't even want to anymore. i have been praying to god to lift the obsession that's been literally almost driving me insane the last week and just for today, he has! i will give you my email addy if you want i would love for you to kick the supplemental meds. we can do it! i AM doing it, i promise you you can. just get a sponsor, keep your ass in FACE meetings as much as possible, call women even when you don't want to....it works, it works, it works...if you work it! i promise. love rach
you know, the way i psyched myself up to do the cold turkey...just pretend like you have the flu for a week. you can even tell other people that you are sick, it's not a lie. and it really is very similar to having the flu. worked for me, just a thought also, something that really helped me when i was in the worst of the detox: my (now) sponsor (she wasn't at the time) would call every day to check on me and for some reason i made myself answer the phone even tho i didnt' want to lol anyway, she said: you are in a lot of pain right now, emotional and physical, but just remember you get to FEEL that pain. you get to feel because you are ALIVE, and not long ago you almost weren't. idk if that will help you or scare you but it meant a lot to me at the time. she also kept reminding me that NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. detox doesn't last forever. it sucks for a week and then....you're done!!! just like having the flu.
Thanks for all of the advice and encouragment. I do really appreciate it. I know someday soon the doctor is going to start weening me off of the suboxone. I should start preparing for that day by doing what you suggested. Finding a sponsor, and meetings. For the past 7 months I have dreaded that day and just the thought of coming off the suboxone makes me sweat. But know I am coming to terms with it and almost looking forward to it. I know it is going to be different than the sober I feel know and that is what makes it so scarey. But I do want to do it. Being on this med is in a way the same thing is being on the dope. Except my doctor is my dealer and controls my dose. Thanks again and good luck with day 6, 7, 8 .....
yes, IMHO that is exactly what you need to do: find meetings, connect w/ women, get a sponsor....and then do what the f they tell you to LOL you will need that when it does come time to kick. also, you are making it so much worse in your head than it will actually be, scouts honor. that is what we, or at least I as addicts do tho right, we magnify the shit out of everything-every problem, real or imagined. anyway, i'm not saying it won't be shitty but it's nothing to dread. if you want it, you want it. you have a solution right here in NA. this program works, as long as you are willing to take and follow directions. period. there's no maybe nothing to think about with it. if you want it to work, and do what you have to you will. if you don't really want to be sober then don't---? simple i am here to offer whatever support i can thru the computer-but if you are serious you really should go to face meetings. i pretty much only use this site to keep my head from chattering between doing things, now, it's the face meetings, women, and sponsor who have been saving my ass the last few days.
Rachel I have one request, that is please stop swearing so much in your posts, thanks very much. I will remove this post just as soon as you acknowledge my request.
haha thanks V, for the correction.... funny story, i just left a meeting and this woman i talked to after, who has a few years and IMO a very good message, told me to look up the word profanity and get back to her, and that she never swears in meetings... maybe god is trying to tell me something? not to say it doesn't annoy me that you brought it up lol still.... why does MY swearing bother YOU so much? maybe you should look at yourself?
Hey I cuss quite a bit actually but I do it in and around certain people who can be just as vulgar and profane as myself I try not to talk that way around common folks and we get common folks here so keeping them in mind lets try and keep it free of as much profanity as possible. I like to think that we can communicate in a manner that is socially acceptable, since one of our goals in recovery is fitting into society yeah thats in the book some where.
My current position on this board is moderator so its my responsibilty to make sure profanity is kept to a minumum if YOU have a problem with that then your going to have to make some changes not me.
And that there is life on lifes terms and MIP's terms, peace out.
I thought you came here humble, how long you going to keep trying to do it your way ? When are you going to take others suggestions , when are you going to fully surrender.
I suggest a long talk with your sponsor about this and what it's doing inside you heart and head because if something so small as this is bothering you then an inventory is in order.
What bothers me about it isn't what it does to me its what its doing to you you are my concern here and you are whom I am worried about.
Your attitude speaks loudly whats going on inside of you and from my own personal experience that had to change, always wanting everything to go my way is part of what made me such a good sick addict I was closed minded and had a lot of problems with authority, and the only authority I have here is to make sure this board stays some clean of certain aspect, of which you have crossed.
WHY am I making a big deal out of this your wondering, am I picking on you ? Is that other person picking on you too pointing out you needing to go and look up the word profanity ? We're not against you but we see something in you that ought to be looked at especially your attitude towards making change and acceptance.
And yeah I do understand, I dont like that people tell me how I should do thing either but it all comes down to being openminded and willing to take a look at how others might be trying to help me become a better person.
If you dont want that then tell me and I'll get off your back but in the mean time please, yeah I asked politely refrain from using swear words and find other words to describe whats going on inside .
I am very glad your here and I hope that we can be of help to you and maybe you can even be a help to me because at this point I dont think I have been helpful unless you come to some understanding of whats going on here with yourself.
yes, IMHO that is exactly what you need to do: find meetings, connect w/ women, get a sponsor....and then do what the f they tell you to LOL you will need that when it does come time to kick. also, you are making it so much worse in your head than it will actually be, scouts honor. that is what we, or at least I as addicts do tho right, we magnify the shit out of everything-every problem, real or imagined. anyway, i'm not saying it won't be shitty but it's nothing to dread. if you want it, you want it. you have a solution right here in NA. this program works, as long as you are willing to take and follow directions. period. there's no maybe nothing to think about with it. if you want it to work, and do what you have to you will. if you don't really want to be sober then don't---? simple i am here to offer whatever support i can thru the computer-but if you are serious you really should go to face meetings. i pretty much only use this site to keep my head from chattering between doing things, now, it's the face meetings, women, and sponsor who have been saving my ass the last few days.
-- Edited by BigV at 20:00, 2009-03-03
Surrender, I know I should go to face meetings. But I have a huge problem . I am employed as a Rehab Councelor. And all of my clients go to the meetings in the area. I can not go becuase they are there. When I first started my job I recognized several of them from the meetings. And they told my boss about it. Next thing I know I am called into the office and am being suspended. Once I convinced them that it was not me it was my sister ( which was true cuz she went to the meetings with me) they let me come back to work. It was the worst week of my life. I had just gotten clean and I got the job. I was on top of the world. But that happend. I love my job and I am too scared to go to back. And I feel a great sense of anger towards those individuals who broke my anonymity.
YOu may need to go out of town I have a friend who is a cop here in town and was really ambivilant about seeing people he had arrested at meetings, so e only goes to certain meetings at certain places that are some what safe for his anonymity.
Today I have done a lot of thinking, even some meditation of sorts letting my mind stop thinking and letting higher power speak instead of my head telling me what to do.
I just want Rachel to know that I do love her and I do care and I do hope that i haven't ran you off do not let me do that your recovery is worth more then a disagreement. I really want to see you suceed here. You may not want what I have and thats OK what I have works for me and it is work in progress I am far from close to being perfect. I do the best i can with everything I do and I stumble and fall just like the next recovery addict I just don't use, my next fix is one fix away just like anyone elses and I practice this program the best I can and its working.
nah you didn't run me off. that would have taken me out for sure last time cuz i wasn't done... you just p'd me off i'll talk to my sponsor about it, we kind of did yesterday. honestly i do see your point, just that F-ing ego you know? i'll get over it.
oh....and please do note, i DID take direction and censor this lol
i want to thank you for saying that, i really do feel the love in these 'rooms' and you are someone with a good program i think i was hoping you would kick me out, maybe? idk...i def don't deal well with authority, that has been an issue for me since waaaaay before the drugs/alcohol came into play! i am in a lot of fear today, my bf left town for 10 days, and i am on day 8 (YAY I MADE IT PAST A WEEK, obviously this thing really does work), anyway it's just me and the baby and i know that i have a lot of support both here and in the rooms i attend in 'real' life. my sponsor, women, etc but it's still scary and hard not to get in my head about all kinds of stuff. that little thought of picking up while he's gone just to make things 'easier' for myself....ugh. anyway i was told to just stick close, go to meetings, talk to newer people than myself about my experience with getting a week. i am going to keep doing this deal because i know that it does work. my heart is heavy today tho. i miss my bf already. funny because he annoys the you know what out of me when he's around LOL i am sooooo tired of my weird thinking, fear, anger, resentment-and....self pity which it seems that that's what i'm diong right now lol anyway vini i apologize for picking a fight over what you asked me. i'm glad i have all you guys here for support, thank you.
I totally understand the anger at your anonimity being broken, that was wrong.(i know all about resentments against the program, it kept me out of the rooms for the last 2 years)
now, what i want to say may sound harsh and may really make you angry with me (if your thinking is anything like mine, it will) so please just understand that i am not saying any of this from a judgemental or bossy place. i just really care a lot about you and your sobriety-i actually could not sleep and was thinking about you so got back online! lol
now, i don't really do NA, except on here, i actually go to AA meetings so i'm going to quote the big book of AA(i'm sure vini will correct me if i'm not supposed to):
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constiutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
today, for me, this is a program of RIGOROUS honesty. you are working as a substance abuse counselor but lying about your own drug use, to save your job which is counseling addicts or am i mistaken? if so, then how can you possibly give something away that you don't have yourself (sobriety that is)? have you ever thought that by lying to keep this job you are doing not only a huge dis service to yourself but maybe to the people you are counseling? in my experience, when i lie to others about anything, it is because i am trying to control the outcome. that is god's job, not mine. my job is to show up, be honest and do the next right thing. god will take care of everything else, period. when i lie to anyone, even about something 'trivial' it makes it that much easier to lie about other stuff, lie to myself....
phew. i hope you understand that i truly care about you and this is life and death, no joke, you probably know that. what is a job if you can't be happy joyous and free? that is the whole point of this, right?
also bigv suggested to go to out of town meetings, you could totally do that. there is a woman at my club who was driving to boulder from denver, which is about an hour just so that she wouldn't be home during her drinking time. lol.
whatever you decide to do i pray that you find something that works for you.
and honestly, it is god above and beyond everything else that will keep you sober so just keep praying and the rest will come!
Sorry it has taken me awhile to get back to you. Any ways I love my job absolutely 100%. And I am very good at it. I am sober now and have been for 7 months this time around. I think I have a lot to offer the clients I work with cuz sometimes it does take one to know one. But!!! In a sense it is lying and I do feel bad about it. Maybe I should start driving out of town to meetings....
Hey We all have issues I was even afraid to come look see what surrenders reply to me would be I got courage today and am glad now I did because I didnt get what i was expecting , bad thing putting up expectations and reading the future.
Glad to see you both just hanging in there and holding on making the best of a situation is what we have even if we scroo up ( a little sensorship there HEH HEH ) I mess up and make things in life that should go easy a lot more difficult then I should, I do it a lot with my girl friend and its breaking down our friendship hate to say.
We all have much to offer this world as long as we are clean and sober minded, if we aint clean we're a burden at least I am.
) TOTALLY, completely sober. 
... and the last day I did it I took 45 in one day(just to give you an idea of where I was at, you aren't supposed to take more than 6 in 24 hr). I am an addict, guys. Oh and for the record, you do get a mild opiate high when you take 45! Anyway, when I was taking that many, the day or two before the last, it was that same empty feeling that I used to get from the oxy, never enough. Someone in a meeting last night compared it to filling a siv (sp?) you keep pouring more in and it's emptying out the bottom faster than you can pour it, so you always feel empty. I realized that I was lying, and had to start my sobriety date over. I tried lying about my date a few times in the last 4 years I've been in and out, and guess WHAT it NEVER WORKED.
lol
