I finally flushed the ounce I bought the day before I quit. That's right, $325 down the poop shoot. But first, i took a hit. BAD ME! lol
It smelled bad, it tasted bad, it wasn't at all what I *remembered*. I had to flush like, three times for it to go! I don't think of it as a relapse, maybe it is but it doesn't matter.
I think of it as me feeling so much better without it, looking so much better, confirming that it does nothing for me except make me feel funny and enjoy Sour Patch candy a little bit more. Is that worth all the money, hassle, waste of life? No, I decided, no it's not. No matter how nervous or antsy or weird detox makes me feel, I am looking at it as a journey to finding the new and improved me. Already so much of ME has emerged...I can take the bad moments.
Part of me writes it to convince myself this is true, but deep down I know it is. My HP is talking to me LOUD AND CLEAR!!
I saw on Desperate Housewifes (anyone watch?? that's my other addiction!)...when Gabby had a miscarriage and her new *friend* gives her a balloon, which represents what is lost. Gabby lets the balloon go to say goodbye and symbolize letting go of the loss.
That is what the flushing did for me.
My relationship with my 5 yr old boy has improved a lot in two weeks. He has fully noticed the new, present, me, he laughs all day long now, we play and read, I am so much more alive and awake and fun to be around.
Sorry if I'm ranting, I guess I am so surprised and also just getting used to all of this. My parents are coming to visit soon...usually when they come I have to *hide* being high, I cut visits shorts to go smoke, I feel so much guilt because they are the best parents ever and would feel so sad if they had any idea what my life was like. This time will be different, I will honor them by being the real me.
I still don't know what started all this, years of guilt and sadness and then one day BAM- it's a mystery to me so it must be HP.
Thank you everyone for your continued support and excellent feedback...I have to say again I could never have done it without each and every one of you. Thank you,
hey girl yeah, i know what you mean! i flushed some pills the other day and there's POWER in doing that! congrats, you are on the right track! just get a sponsor, work your steps, and follow directions. easy, easy, easy...but we (I DO anyway) make it seem so much harder. it's not! HUG rach
