OK I am having a real hard time here

BigV · Senior Member

OK I am having a real hard time here

Raman · Guru

Jeez Vin !!
I hope you weather the storm and Im praying your woman will come to her senses immediately.
God Bless yall,,

wantneeda · Senior Member

hey Vin

hugs to you

i understand, i've been there, for me... i couldn't be there.. i denied to myself that i could handle hangin out with people that drink...before i knew it i was drinkin.. now i'm not sayin thats gonna happen to you . for me it came down to HONESTY, gettin honest with myself first and foremost so i could get honest with the person/s involved. Learning bout my 'property lines' i like to call them, or boundaries. OPENMINDED to HEAR my HP in it all, and
WILLINGNESS to apply step 1 to myself and others, to tap into HP strength and to keep sharing about it, cause what i stifle most always regergitates..

and to also remember that what other people think of me is none of my business...sometimes thats hard to swallow, time invested in relationship is jsut that, investment, it hurts to sometimes when others don't take seriously what we do. There are those 'prperty lines' again.
At the end of the day i simply want peace and contentment, , love , Do I have to give up my peace and contentment in order to "get" it?? and then simply how important is it??

i seem to ultimately know down deep what is good for me and what isn't, what i can handle and what i can't, its listening that i must practice.

:)

DeanC · Guru

Hey Vinny, a lot going on there. A few thoughts. First, I wouldn't be hanging out them for more than an hour for dinner one night, as a courtesy to my girl. And Of course you have your right to your feelings (you don't have to like it or them), and she has the right to see her old friends (which we all hold dear). If you guys survive this, there will be a next year. If it were me, I'd stay the hell out of it and let her go do her thing, which is reverting back to teenage behavior or whenever it was that she first met these people, you know how that is. You have got to have so teenage friends that you get together and act all stupid (with or without drinking we can still act stupid). I'll bet that there are some old pals of yours that she doesn't particularly care for. I know that my wife does. so you've got to accept that that's what people do when they reminiss and all. I guess I hate to say it but you just need to get over it, and it is what it is.

Your Girlfriend is an adult and can do what ever she wants. Giving her that freedom is essential to your relationship with her. She doesn't belong to you just because she's "your girlfriend" <--please read this in the friendly brotherly tone that it was intended

. Otherwise you will push her away. Trust me on this. My wife is a wonderful girl, but she's very independent (which I love her for) and will not put up with me "telling her what to do" no matter how well that I "take care of her" or what I do for her. None of that matters if she feels that I somehow am impinging upon her freedom. Let it go bro. I would go as far as apologizing to her, for your part in it, and tell her that in the coming years that you will plan some kind of outing for yourself,somewhere, so that she can have all the space that she wants to enjoy her friends. There's my 2 cents, don't hate the messenger wink

-- Edited by DeanC at 14:41, 2009-02-23

Tahir · Member

Big V, thanks for sharing, big NA Hug to you.

At times, me hanging out with my friends or my wife hanging out with hers has caused a ripple and occasionally even a storm in our relationship until we both realized that this is happening because we ain't spending enough time with each other or on other occasions spending time with each other is all we do, and that neither is healthy. We reached out for help and got directions in this context. I realized that we are a part of each other's life, not each other's life itself. We decided we will have our time together everyday, and then we will give our individual selves time everyday too. We have mutual/common friends, other couples and members from the fellowship, then my wife has her friends and me mine. This, I realize is vital for us as a couple and as two individuals in a coupleship. Of course, adopting this new way of life as suggested by the program/fellowship we both are a part of did create the backlash. Dysfunctions like envy, possessiveness, parallel lives, enmeshment etc. did seem to threaten our relationship, but with a little effort in practicing mutual respect of boundaries and individual time and space, and commitment to togetherness, acceptance of the fact that I'm but a part of my loved one's life, and above all, the ability to merely follow my heart has brought a lot of sanity and joy to me and to my relationship. We do fight today, but try to do so fairly, trying as much as possible to not resort to our defects to force the fight... lol...

Also, practising Detachment, Integrity, Respect for Self and Respect for the Other helps me a lot... My ex-sponsor used to tell me "to meet and to separate and to meet again is the basic condition of any relationship." That has been so very helpful to understand and acknowledge the individualities existing in my relationship today. There's US no doubt taking half of her life as well as mine, but I also stay aware of the fact that there's ME and there's HER where the other doesn't exist.

BigV · Senior Member

Thanks every one and I do hear and understand the message here .

In retrospect I see how I should have acted and I see the err of my ways LOL and my ways make waves , thats pretty much what I have done here . I violated more then a few things here with her and I crossed a few lines of my own some of which was for her.

So going to try and cleanup some wreckage she has agreed to talk about this, it isn't the first time something she went out doing got to me and the last time drinking was involved and traveling also so some of this is a repeat.

We have some distance between 1-1/2 hours the only time we really get to spend time together is on the weekends last 2 weekends she's been with them and I felt left out is all last week I even took a trip up during the week to see her for the night and then back the next morning to work but i cant do that all the time.

Anyhow I am doing an inventory on this imagine she is too we're both weighing things out I am especially checking my own actions and feelings she may not be going that deep other then how I have impacted her with my sickness LOL I m going to take it lightly here on out whatever happens happens for a darn good reason .

Thanks again you all, all very helpful

Jana40503 · Senior Member

I'm sorry V. First of all, your feelings are your feelings and they are valid... In healthy, intimate relationships, people don't invalidate each other's feelings... Or so I've heard! LOL

So, that said, your feelings ARE valid, you are also powerless and you've attempted to exert control where you don't have any and the result of that is always emotional unmanageability... Where you sit right now.

As for her understanding and agreeing with your side... Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? In light of a broken relationship vs her being a little more comfortable with her friends than you are comfortable with... Would you, if you could, go back and just laugh and suck it up? If so, I'd suggest immediate amends and then letting it go. If she's willing to end the relationship over this outburst, I daresay it wasn't very solid to begin with but my guess is, she's pissed right now.

Own your stuff... jealousy, insecurity, controlling behavior, clean up your side of the street... Let her worry about her side and if she doesn't see it as dirty, you'll need to accept that. After your amends, LET IT GO, let it unfold, see where GOD takes it! He'll truly take it a better direction than you will so try to trust that... Even if it's not in your time!

{{{hugs}}}}

BigV · Senior Member

Very good Jana yes I owe an amends I would change things, is she going to leave me, I say no on that, I am to irresistable but if I am wrong then you may be right on that other point and all will be as should be. I guess on thing I was wanting was validation and I even said to her using her own voice " Yes vini I see how you might be upset" I didnt get the validation immediately but did later, she is angry it will take her time to come back down . I guess i make her defensive and thats because i assualt her verbally, I am loud and dramatic, I haven't exactly learned yet how to approach situations without seeming extremely upset, this is a real frustration to me and to others BIG TIME! HArd for me ot keep my big trap shut and think things through before reacting.

Thanks Jana

-- Edited by BigV at 18:41, 2009-02-23

DeanC · Guru

Jana40503 wrote:

I'm sorry V. First of all, your feelings are your feelings and they are valid... In healthy, intimate relationships, people don't invalidate each other's feelings... Or so I've heard! LOL

So, that said, your feelings ARE valid, you are also powerless and you've attempted to exert control where you don't have any and the result of that is always emotional unmanageability... Where you sit right now.

As for her understanding and agreeing with your side... Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? In light of a broken relationship vs her being a little more comfortable with her friends than you are comfortable with... Would you, if you could, go back and just laugh and suck it up? If so, I'd suggest immediate amends and then letting it go. If she's willing to end the relationship over this outburst, I daresay it wasn't very solid to begin with but my guess is, she's pissed right now.

Own your stuff... jealousy, insecurity, controlling behavior, clean up your side of the street... Let her worry about her side and if she doesn't see it as dirty, you'll need to accept that. After your amends, LET IT GO, let it unfold, see where GOD takes it! He'll truly take it a better direction than you will so try to trust that... Even if it's not in your time!

{{{hugs}}}}

that's pretty solid there Big V, nothing like a woman's perspective when it comes to problems with same.

Manon · Guru

love ya vini like you tell me this too shall pass ;)

BigV · Senior Member

It shall manon ashamed

, my thoughts too Dean smile

Raman · Guru

I jst want to sat that sometimes we need to let go and move on.
Hopefully move on by letting go with love and understanding.
I had to do that with J.

As I have experienced sometimes things may just not work out. An indicator has been the repetition of insane situations where I compromised my own health and safety.

I took male perspective,womans perspective,suggestions from family and friends, academics,literature on recovery and relationships.

Then I Meditated,inventoried,tried to talk things over and asked God for help too.

Then one morning I was faced iwth a choiceless awareness that this has got to stop.

All said and done and without me putting myself in a superior position,it seemed like I was
willing to do all the understanding while she interacted with me on a very instinctual level.
I will not judge,condemn or stereo type her for that; i simply accpet that thats how she is and most probably will ever be.

Seems the Steps have placed us in a better position.
Another addict may be the best bet for me !!

emily · Veteran Member

Big V - I am so sorry about what sounds like a horrible time. I don't blame you for any of your feelings!! I really think your GF should have been more sensitive after all you have been through. tell her I said so, she is not always right even though as a woman she probably thinks she is!! lol
you must be a good BF. You sound like you care a lot for her. I hope the drinking buddies are gone by now. I wish I had more advice but I've only ever dated / married addicts and all my relationships have gone to pot (no pun intended, well maybe a little) so I've stayed away from them for five years! The cowards way I guess, if you're not in one you can't mess it up!
You keep being you and stick to your guns, if it bothers you, you should be heard and respected.
Take it easy dude I feel for you.

emily

DeanC · Guru

Flowers BigV flowers

-- Edited by DeanC at 10:37, 2009-02-24

BigV · Senior Member

Good comments family thanks yeah she's getting flowers today Dean UGH!! more flowers lemme say this I spent $150 on her for Valentines day( 1 week prior too it ) and she went to LAs Vegas that weekend thats ANOTHER part of all this not sure i mentioned I was already dissapointed with that situation things just kept stackin up on me, hell I kept counting and keeping score instead of just wishing her a nice time with friends who she hardly sees but once a year, they live in Australia, dem Aussies do like to drink HARD!.

Raman I kinda figured that is what happened sorry pal for having to go through that but always on the other side are good reason that take us ahead of where we were. Its like a hard lesson learned at the time but later wisdom comes for that lesson, been there , done that time and time again like to think I always came out ahead somehow.

I may be right emily but thats not what really matters what matters are my actions and how I deal with my feelings and I didnt do well. IT was one of those situatiosn that endlessly go on and on and I fianlly BROKE, I got OWNED LOL. We dont want that thats not working vigilantly thats giving up, like a relapse very similar.

Tahir · Member

Very true Vini, we do away with what does not serve our good in recovery, by owning it up and then deciding to cooperate with our Higher Power to have it removed and transformed. Thanks for sharing about the lesson part out of our seemingly painful experiences. I've seen it oftentimes in recovery, through the eyes of the program of course, that what seemed like a wrong/bad thing to happen to me later revealed itself as a blessing in disguise, out of which something amazing that could have never happened otherwise arises...

You spent $150 on Valentine's?!! OMG you must be a romantic no doubt... lol...

Manon · Guru

where are my flowers vini lol

rocky · Senior Member

hey old man i read this post and it was deja vu i had to learn that the drugs and booze was my problem and even if they have a problem until they see that they do they don't i cant be around the party people at all for the very reasons that you have expressed in this post my paranoia and bullshit just won't let me i have some resolve and a little will these days but when i am confronted with this shit i say no and put it in the wind if i don't well you know where that goes maybe after a little time you can talk to her and let her know how you really feel and leave the junkie shit out of it and have a real conversation who knows not that i am the big expert here but i have learned not to blow up and to give myself some time before i let her know what she has done or what i feel and it seems to work my wife and i have gone from definite divorce to seeing a counselor and maybe we will save this thing of ours but whatever you do give it to god and he will give you what you need to know

rocky

BigV · Senior Member

Thanks for the comments guys/gals sorry manon I'M BROKE bleh

I was thinking about me mentioning the $150, lemme be honest that wasn't without grumbling about it LOL, that was pretty cheap really compared to what she should get, she wanted a purse so I bought it WE went out to dinner I bought that too and I got her some flowers that was it that gal deserves a LOT more then that for putting up with my B.S . I am no rich boy I dont make big money yet I sometimes work all day for $150 sometimes even less and some days I make thousands but that is seldom, small business man with a full time job is what i am little scraps thrown to me here and there.

What should mean more to me then anything is my recovery and being around drugs is absolute no no being around a little social drinking OK but very limited and it depends on my state of mind i was already a little upset after her being with others for 4-5 days of partying then to go another weekend well I shouldn't have been there and around it and her drinking, my bad .

Glad to hear your trying to save it Rocky i may be in that boat here to soon and this is no marriage only a relationship but we've been together awhile now hte to lose her.

The good thing here like Tahir mentioned , having learned a lesson later is I did learn more about myself and identifying the feelings someone else here on the board pointed out some things that may be going on and that helped me see what I was feeling inside. I have a hard time identifying feelings and putting a name to them so thanks everyone here for your posts they have been helpful.

Which is why I come here, Love you all

kiki30 · Member

what i have learned is we have to allow people to be who they are. and do what they do. if it gets to much to deal with it. you know what you have to do. I have had to let people go in my life and in my recovry and i must say it was very hard for me. But i had to keep why are we here in my mind. it comes down to this ( for me). what means more to me. my recovery or the persons in my life. And i tell you the truth my recovery come before anything and anyone. becouse it is said anything that you put infront of your recovery you will lose and today i am not willing to lose myself. just food for thought. just one addict helping another.

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