Hello Jana, Thank you so much for your notes of support. Regarding meetings, no I have not gone yet. I joined MariJ Anon, chat, that helps a lot. My X Alcohollc was so out of control I joined Al anon, so I am very familiar with the steps and use them a lot lately! Not to make excuses but I have two jobs and a 5 year old. My time is stretched so much already, and the meetings near by seem to be at night which doesn't work for me.
But thankful I found you and everyone, the support is so helpful.
Hey Emily... I understand. When I got clean, 4/5/03, I was 6.5 months pregnant, had a 2.5 year old, a full time job and a husband I couldn't stand. Honestly, I don't know how I did it but I got to a meeting pretty much every day for the first 90 days, minus labor and delivery! It's worth it. I made friends then that are my dear friends today!
My drug of choice is "MORE"... I drank, I took occasional pills and the drug that eventually brought me to my knees was crack. I smoked cocaine, then crack, for over 20 years. I tried to get clean for 10 years before I succeeded and put any time together at all.
Feel free to ask me anything, anytime. I'm an open book when it comes to sharing with other recovering addicts.
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
Dear Jana, It is funny, I find I have quit things during very rough times too. Why do we open our eyes when we are most vulnerable? Maybe that is what makes us - dare I say - strong? I honestly can't believe what you've been through and the enormous accomplishment you made - I have only been pregnant once, at the time I lived with an alchololic who was abusive and so I found the steps to get strength to get rid of him. My pregnancy, sadly, is such a bad memory. I can't imagine being pregnant with a toddler AND a bad husband AND being on crack but I guess that goes to show we can do it when we're motivated by HP.
I was smoking pot the whole time and honestly never thought it was me, too, with a problem. Here I am five years later waking up to it all. I had a very rough night, nightmares and sleeplessness. I feel like sh*t but won't use because that would make me feel worse...especially I can't imagine coming down and then having to face that I messed up my recovery so I'll keep sticking with it. I just hope the sleep and sick, depressed feeling goes away as soon as possible. My house is a mess, I haven't had any energy to clean all week. I have to get it together mentally, it's going to be a long weekend.
It was actually the police who woke me up. We never know who our higher power will send to rescue us but in my case it was a sheriff's deputy who was able to pull me over because I wasn't wearing a seatbelt - How stupid do you have to be to be smoking dope, in your car, in a neighborhood where you don't fit in, with no seatbelt?! LOL
Nevertheless, that was the last day I used. I did two years of probation, which was a miracle in itself... I should have been put away so I couldn't use for the rest of my pregnancy... My HP saw fit to let me have another shot at NA and recovery and it works! I completed that probation successfully and have never had to face jail since. What a freedom!
Messy houses and sleeplessness and nightmares and being uncomfortable are all small potatoes compared to the horrors of addiction! Houses get cleaned up and sleep comes and nightmares go away... We just don't use no matter what and you're doing great at that!
I really wish you could get to some meetings, pick up a keytag (the symbolism of those was a big deal for me), make some local recovering friends... I will pray that you find a way to do that!
__________________
The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
