hello, i had a draem last night...i met my ex boyfriend and he was holding lots of rokc..i was clean in my dream..i didn't use...but u know...i can't explain my feelings now... sad... and i want to say hello and hug you all ...and i love you..
Helo Deniz,, I wonder if I understood your feeling because I wanted to share a similar one.
I had to make some very difficult decisions regarding my girlfriend lately. Shes ok in her own way but in relation to me there was misunderstanding and mistrust, usually unfounded. I suspect that her use of marijuana,though occassional, and the comapny of her grass smoking, heavy drinking, hard partying friends made it impossible for me to relate anymore.
I had to decide again that the most important thing for me in life is to stay clean and that anything that comes in the way of my recovery is something i need to let go of. Letting go of objects is easy. Letting go of people in the days of addiction was easy but now clean and not having chemicals in the system to suppress feelings,letting go of her has been very difficult,to say the least.
Especially difficult it was when I began to think "she should not suffer like this,she deserves better". Those are the times when both of us got angry with each other and the relationship became dangerous feelings-wise.
With all the love at my command,Ive been letting her go. The grieving is not over. I know however that the pain of letting go is better than the pain of holding on.
"and life still goes on, i got to get used to living without you by my side, oh baby cant you see, God knows,God knows I want to be free" (I want to break free,Queen!)
-- Edited by Raman at 05:42, 2009-02-18
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
When I first got sober I had dreams like yours all the time. In all the dreams I was either looking for drugs, buying them, holding them, or even preparing to do them. But just before I would use and get high the dream would end. I was so troubled by these dreams that I asked my drug/alcohol councelor and she said that these dreams are common. And the fact that I did not actually use in the dream was a good thing. She also said most people have the dreams and do not use in their dreams either. BUT she said if I did you use in my dream it would definetly be a big red flag. Meaning that I would then use in real life. I don't have these dreams anymore. Once and a great while and they don't bother me like they use to. I don't know how true this all is but that is what my councelor told me so I figured I would pass it on to you. Good luck
I've had dreams where I actually used... I haven't used in real life for nearly 6 years. Don't believe everything you hear and don't get trapped in fear. Dreaming you used is not a death sentence or a using sentence. Some of us actually look at it as a free high! They make me uncomfortable but, like most of my dreams, they've never come true! To use or not to use is a choice now. We have a choice, to not use, a day at a time!
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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
I think you are right Jana. I give way to much power to my councelor. What ever she says I beleive and what ever she ask me to do I do. I did not mean to make it sound like if you dream it you will go get high. I was just relaying what I was once told.
3 years clean and I had a dream a few night abog of smoking big rocks , yes a lot of stress in me right now from life and some fears not a lot of contact with the program except from here.
Main thing is in my dream once again one is not enough I kept chasing the dope trying to get higher and higher and never achieving that place.
Dopes not the answer though it may call me and sometimes it even sounds good, bottom line I can't handle one one is to many thousands not enough and it doesn't change anything but my attitude from bad to worse.
Dreams are dreams, maybe reflections of internal stress but they are what they are just dreams.
I just had one yesterday. I was in my using yard with a couple of using friends. And I was happily telling them that I got lots of money today from my father... they were busy making reefers... When I woke up, one thing I remembered was mentioning my father having given me loads of money. I lost my father a few months back, and for a second after I woke up, I observed myself thinking "it's ok I was using, but at least my father was alive back then..."
I thank God that I got to experience a very intimate 5 years with my father before he passed away. He got to see me living clean, helped me get up, dust up, stand and start walking in my life, clean and in recovery. In the last 2 years, we were the best of friends, sharing everything that we each always wanted to say to the other but never did. Cancer might have taken him away from me, but it did bring us closer to each other, bringing an urgency to connect, express, share and care.
When I thought of all this yesterday morning after waking up, I could not help but close my eyes in prayer and thank God for the using dream, through which I got to realize how blessed I was, and my father was, to have lived together and experienced the joy that such love and intimacy can bring, he was my guardian angel who helped me out come out of the horrors of active addiction. I wouldn't have felt this so strong if not for my using dream where I mentioned him as if he was alive, living with me.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
