I will be honest and admitt that I am on medication that got me sober and keeps me sober. Anyways the medication is suppose to stop the cravings and so on. To an extent is has but lately I think my cravings are getting really bad and it is not even the high I'm craving as it is the procedure itslef. And the instrument. I don't know when these obbessive thoughts are going to stop. I can not imagine being off my medication. When I spoke to my councelor she said that I am making love to my cravings. I am still thinking that over. I feel guilty all ready and I have not even done anything.
I think she's talking about what we call, "romancing the high"... We have very selective memories, we addicts. I'm a slow learner and a fast forgetter when it comes to using and the consequences. It's why we talk about playing the tape all the way through. My disease only wants me to remember the good feelings that come with using. It doesn't want me to remember past that to how bad it got.
Let's keep it simple TS... Two things I want you to do, one of them PERFECTLY...
Don't put dope in your body today. It's that easy. Don't use today, no matter what.
Believe this truth. You were created perfectly. It is not your higher power's will for you to be miserable, use drugs or self destruct. ANYTHING your mind tells you that is contrary to those two truths above is your disease talking. It's lying to you and I suggest telling it, out loud, to "fuck off disease" in whatever terms work for you.
Don't make this complicated... It's not.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
__________________
The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor
My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
what are you taking? i'm on ultram and i ran out last night, couldn't get it filled til this morning and i was so sick when i first woke up, headache, whatever...scared me because i had the realization that OH shit what if i become dependant on this too? to be really really honest, it DOES alter the way i feel: not like that opiate high, smack feeling, nothing like that. but, it is a really super powerful anti depressant for me, it makes me feel good in that i do not feel depressed, i'm happy! i can function better when i take it. i am only on day 4 so i plan to use it for two more and taper off but i just wanted to share that, after reading your post. maybe for myself, maybe for you too? idk...you helped me so much with your post last night i hate it that you're suffering. in fact i hate to hear that any of you people with time are any thing but super happy and joyous all the time because the alternative scares me. LOL i have been around before, so i know better, but just saying....damn it's not all rainbows and butterflies? anyway, my thoughts are with you today, and if you would like me to remind you of the hell you came from i would be more than happy to, it's still very new to me. just shoot me an email...
I am on suboxone. It is knda like methadone but not as fun. It was first given to me when I went to detox. It helped me come off of everything with only a little of pain/depression. As soon as I got out of detox I went to an outpateint drug/alcohol center and I have had it prescribed to me ever since. I came off of it one time and I immediately went out and used. It was like I had no control. But that was 7 months ago. I think that Jana gave me some great advise. I need to defend myself. I can't let my addiction rule my life. I know how much bad went with the good and I need to remind myself of that.
Surrender I did not mean to burst your bubble but it is not rainbows and butterflies. I thought it was going to be but nothing is that easy. I still struggle sometimes. I think about using everyday but most days it is only for a short period of time and then I get on with my day. Right now is just a bad time. But it will pass and I will remain sober. Because that is what I do. My advise to you is if you are depressed, which you will be, go to your doctor and get a prescription for an anti-depressant. If you have anxiety go to your doctor and get a prescription for that. Right now taking the ultram is risky becuase it is addictive. And you could w/d from that too. I am just worried about you and I want you to do this safely.
'kind of like methadone but not as fun' lmao i was joking about the bubble bursting thing, i know it's not all fun and games... i am going to start weaning off the ultram tomorrow... hugs and love to you girl how are you feeling today?
me? aw thank you!! i'm still around, just been going to face meetings...i am still on here tho not as much as the first few days, i have started to reclaim my house from the filth that was taking over lol and my daughter keeps me pretty busy when not doing that. anyway, i have been talking to women in recovery every day and going to at least one meeting. i do get home late and have been trying to spend some time with the fam. it's so hard fo find that balance i actually feel like i'm neglecting my 'real' life in recovery sometimes but they tell me to put this program first so i am. how are things with you darlin? hows the bf is he still using? i think about you as well and hope that you are having a great day! Rach
