Today is day 2 for me, I am still taking the Ultram to help with detox and so far, no diarrhea and the depression is NOTHING like normal. It's working, and for that I'm grateful. However, today I feel....weird. I wish I could think of a better word, but just weird. Kind of anxious, wired, but at the same time lazy! Shaky, that is probably from no opiates, or maybe too much coffee. I am feeling needy. Like I could function better if my bf were here at the house with me. My daughter is napping, I want to take her to do something but feel paralyzed almost. When I was using, I felt like supermom (most of the time) as in I had energy and drive to do stuff all day, be engaged with her, keep my hosue immaculate. And now, it's hard to just be engaged with her, let alone everything else. I'm trying to be nice to myself. My house is a wreck right now and that alone is bothering me but I can't seem to make myself clean. I feel guilty when I'm not paying attention to her, and yet when we are playing I'm distracted and not really into it. I have been surfing around online to escape...lame huh. I gues I am having a hard time staying in the moment. Alwayas have. Thanks for letting me vent!
OH I have been there. You want to do something but can not get your self to do it. Or as soon as you do it you want to stop. God I don't miss that at all. I too was super mom once. I could do it all just pop a few pills and I was off. Once you get through the withdraw and depression you will find your way again. You will learn how to be a mom sober, how to clean your house sober, how to grocery shop sober. Believe me I could not do anything with out taking a pill not even make dinner. But somehow I have managed to do all those things now and I am clean. I am a great mother, I can clean and cook just fine. When I was using I never would have thought I could do all of this sober but I am. I think you should definetly allow your self to have a week or two off from everything. As much as you can because you will need it. Don't worry about your house or what ever. Stay strong it will get better.
Thank you for your words, it helps to know that it gets better! I have been taking it easy...really easy LOL my house looks like shit. And I haven't cooked since I stopped. Trying not to feel too guilty about either of those. I am taking Ultram to detox and it's helping a lot with the depression that normally comes with stopping. I did take my daughter to the park to play today and then we went and hung out at my club for a bit, so as long as she's taken care of I guess I am ok with focusing on my sobriety and her and letting the other stuff slide for now. I would use for half the week and then take a couple days off, mostly because my tolerance is so high that it doesn't last me...100-120 mg oxy a pop til it was gone. Crazy huh? Anyway, when I wasn't high I would basically stay in the house, and keep my poor baby cooped up with me. And when I was using we did everything. Bf said it was like living with 2 different people and he never knew which one he was going to get. I know it has to affect her too. Makes me so sad. But at least for today I do feel like I'm on the right track again. I have hope anyway. It's funny I always looked at myself as a super mom/gf/whatever when I was high and the reality is that I od'd in front of her a year ago, have been too fucked up to really do anything but pass out when I had her alone a couple times, and the other times was always parking her in front of the tv so I could go smoke. Weird how this thing can lie to us. Anyway, thanks again, hope you're having a good night. Rachel
Keep your chin in the air, it will get better as time goes on. I hope that your relationship at home will get better with your cleaner health. Right now you are the number one priority. Everything else will fall into place. Your in my prayers.
When I was super mom I thought I was at my highest point. Now that I am sober and have been for awhile I can honestly say that my realtionship with daughter is better than it ever has been. I do have to deal with guilt everyday over things that happend while I was using. I started doing the pills just like you but it slowly progressed to dope. Once I stated doing that it went down hill fast. For awhile we were living with my sister and her two kids in a three bedroom apartment and she was an addict too. It was just a mess. I also left her with my mom alot. At the time I thought I was being responsible by not using around her. How stupid. But the good thing is that the memories I am creating now are purely good. No more regrets and nothing now to feel bad about. I wish you the best of luck.
