When I started using opiates ten years ago, I felt like I found something wonderful. That first high gave me confidence, serenity, peace...I actually think it did that for quite a while, even though the lengths I would go to get them said otherwise: stealing medication from my dying grandmother, and anything else I could do to get my hands on some. Anyway, I finally felt 'right', if that makes any sense. I was the me I always wanted to be-comfortable in my own skin, outgoing, loving, happy. Somewhere along the line my happy little pill turned into a full blown addiction, and everything that goes with that. Yet, even still, today my disease tells me that when I'm high I am a better mother, girlfriend, and person in general. My boyfriend has assured me otherwise, and when I am being honest I can see it too. And that's just when I'm high, coming down, the depression and anxiety that go with that are a whole other story. I was just wondering if anyone else can relate? BF and I have come to the realization that when I'm not using (or coming off drugs) we really don't fight. Amazing! The fucked up part is that I SEE reality, I get it. But I literally feel as though I have a mental disorder sometimes, like there is a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. I feel like a crazy person. My solution has been to quiet that noise with more drugs. I'm really happy that I found this site, and I'm looking forward to hearing back from people...
We have a guy in the rooms and he says this all the time when he speaks. Addiction is a psychiatric problem cause we don't know how to deal with guess who? OURSELVES. We dont like who we are, We don't like how we treated other people, We dont like a lot about ourselves. We didn't know how to deal with our problems we wanted to blam everyone else. How many normal people do you know take pills or take a stem and smoke crack to feel the heart go bump bump bump real fast and then breathe and say wow that felt good then do it again. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results in our lives. We kept taking dope to make us feel good it never worked we were faced to look at ourselves sometimes. But we often wondered why the hell are we doing this shit over and over again. We thought the dope would do something every time wrong. It just kept doing the same thing over and over making us feel worst about ourselves. Hell we all are crazy and some are crazier than others. I mean I know one member while in active addiction was calling the police on her damn self who the hell in their right mind does that shit? Honestly. I mean we did some crazy shit when we used, but with applying the steps we can become normal once again. Our disease talks to us in a voice we know very well OUR OWN. It tells us we are crazy and we have to tell it to shut the hell up and leave us alone. The only way to calm that voice is down is by keeping a meeting attendance of everyday. Yes I said every damn day. Not once a week like I see a lot of old timers do. If you had cancer and it went into remission and the doctor said You have to take medicine once a day every day for the rest of your life I bet you would. Well this disease is the same damn way. You have to feed it every damn day with the meetings. The meetings are our medicine!
Yes ,,right now Im going thoroug a phase of not liking myself because I dont seem to be confident about what I am doing now.
I am not a noewcomer,Ive worked Steps with a sponsor and still have one,Im in one or other metting each day as Ive been all through my recovery, but inforyunately Im still very vulnerable to manipulation and being misguided.
My latest struggle is with my studies,,Im now blaming myself for mnot having thought things out first in terms of what I need to do in order to succeed in my studies.
But now the reality is that I will need to do full time study and work a bit to get in some balance. For that the Basic Text says to try what we have learnt on an experimental basis. In this case the tutors have to agree on the correctness of things.
Uising opiates for many years had left me completely demoralized. Though the craving to use drugs has been gone a long lon time,,sometimesImvery confused in my life.
Im hoping the Steps will see me through this one.
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thank you Surrender for sharing, I'm sure almost all of us recovering addicts in NA can relate to what you shared above...
Yes, I've come to understand through NA that I do have a disorder, but not a mental one alone. I suffer from a disease of addiction which affects me physically, mentally and spiritually, and thus affecting all areas of my life - my health, my thoughts, my emotions, my relationships and social life, my work, my finances, my values, my loved ones and friends etc.
Moreover, through working the NA program, I've come to understand and accept that my disease of addiction is progressive (even when I'm not using, through my attitude and behavior), incurable (it's treatable, I can recover but it cannot be cured) and fatal if not arrested on a daily basis with the help of the NA recovery program.
NA being a spiritual program, however, does bless my life with a set of powerful spiritual principles and the presence of the greatest power available - my Higher Power - for my recovery. Using this program, I have come to believe and experience peace, contentment, gratitude, joy and serenity. It's been my experience in NA that together with others in NA I can accomplish what I cannot do alone. Thanks for sharing.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
