When I got sober I was expecting it to be this big thing. Waves crashing. Evertything was going to be so much better. But it is not. Sometimes life is harder now than before. I actually have to make an effort to be happy and have fun. I have struggled with this alot. I have no idea how to have fun. I have almost no friends cuz mine were all addicts. So I do feel very alone and bored. This is really tough. I hear about some recovering addicts with a huge network of friends. And I don't get it.
Hello buddy,, Know it takes time to build up a network. Frineds and friendships have been the pay off in recovery for me. Take this example= Yesterday was the first day at college for this semester. Me the old man(47), was wandering into the class when I made an intutive move; I called out the name of a class mate who was passing by. Then wonder of wonders,,I see many more class mates and lecture mates and were all very happy to see each other. Then we see our Program chief,,she seems happy too. Shes a very beautiful and chic lady, and very highly qualified academically. She si the lynchpin of this course and when she gave time in the lecture a query of mine,,I knew I wsnt alone in this.
Another miracle happens that nite= it snows heavily all over England. So me going to the meeting 10 miles away is out of the question. I trudge back home but the heavy snow fall cuts short the walk and I get into a bus. But my reilef was short lived. Me and the mlady that struck up a conversation hear a message on the bus radio instructing the driver to pull out of service after the last stop. We then reckon that other buses too may be out of action, a guess that woefully turns out correct. Seems alls in chaos. A German woman was seen gesticulating and saying loudly "this is not much snow,,why did they stop ?"
Anyways after some dilly dallying,,I muster up four of us that walk to the taxi stand about 200 yards away, but thats full too,with no taxis in sight. So three of us decide to walk opnto our destinations,,,exchanging banter and feeling lonely no more.
My friend,,,I want you to observe where it all started or by whom was this started.?
Ive learned that in recovery,,I must take the initiative in order to recover,,especially from lonliness.
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
TS, how long have you been sober? Are you in an area with lots of meetings? Have you read "Staying Sober" and do you understand "Post acute withdrawal syndrome" It takes time to develop your "Sober identity" and learn how to do everything over again clean and sober. Give yourself a break, everyone that you've seen with the "great sober network" was in your position at one time. It takes work to reach out and make friends in the program. I remember making myself introduce me to 2 people at every meeting. I looked for active groups that did a lot of extra curricular stuff like breakfest, lunch, dinners, bowling, movies, softball, dances, motocycle riding, skiing... It's out there, you just have to look and most importantly Ask! You'd be surprised at how much the people that answer the phones at the AA (or NA) intergroup offices know about this sort of thing. Ask around and you'll find people that like to do stuff and hang out.
I joined a gym made sure I got to that gym every friday night and worked my butt off in there for years, I got a hobbie I prospect for gold , and have really found something I LOVE .
Put some effort out making a life its up to you to find things you can enjoy this is a time to start learning how to enjoy life to its fullest, clean sober you'll have man memories rather then blurs in life.
I also went to college 1 night a week and still have a friend I keep in touch with that i met from there.
It takes time getting to know people and it takes taking risk and putting yourself out there openly, I'm a pretty solitude person I have a handful of people I call real friends . Just getting to know some of us around here is a start I have a few guys here that call me now and then we talk for a few I never mind the guys calling.
I have been clean for 1 1/2 years on feb. 8th. I also thought that I could not have any fun not being high. I got rid of all my user friends. I attend 2 meetings faithfully a week. I have an abundance of new friends and family in the rooms. I know I can call any of them and they would be there for me. That means you have to get a phone list and use it! Thats hard if you are independent like me. I found when I started to go to NA functions, that I became closer to alot of people and had a new family. It is important to get involved. Im in central illinois and we have some kind of function almost every month to enjoy. You can have fun while sober.... but you have to get involved. Hope something in here helps....
Hi TS... Our disease tends to warp our perceptions and skew our priorities... Getting clean is the first step in the process of changing our way of living but don't get that confused with it changing life... Life still happens. Things still go wrong. Some days are better than other days. Happiness is a choice, one I make, or don't make, on a daily basis and it comes from inside, not outside, me.
I attended 90 meetings my first 90 days. With nearly 6 years clean and no obsession to use I still attend 4-5 meetings a week. I'm involved in service, I call other addicts and they call me. I have friends in recovery today but I had to reach out.
I made a committment to call three women in recovery EVERY DAY when I first got here... I just took suggestions, it was clear my ideas weren't working out so well... and some of those women I called became my friends. Not all of them, nobody clicks with everybody, but with some of them conversation was just easy and comfortable. I met more people by going to lots of meetings and moving around to different meetings. I know people all over the world in NA today.
Just keep coming back! I wouldn't trade my best day using for my worst day clean!!!
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
For me I thought I needed to use to escape, or to feel good. If I needed drugs to feel good, or coke to make sex better, was it really good or better?
I heard an addict say they stole pills, then looked up what the pills were suppose to cure. He imagined acquiring all those things they were suppose to cure!
I look at drugs the same way now. What I thought I was getting, I really wasn't.
Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and ehjoying life without the use of drugs.
Wow. I think you all are right. I need to go to meetings again and actually try. Right now I have been sober for 7 months. But other than working I sit at home. I guess it is foolish of me to think that I can find a sober support network sitting at home by my self. Though I had a hard time talking at meetings in the past I think I might actually be stronger now and more comfortable in my own skin. I think meetings is my start. I have to travel a ways to get there but I am going to do it. Thanks guys for your great advise it has really made me rethink my position.
Dear TS, it does get better the longer I stay in and work for my recovery. But what gets better might not necessarily be other people, my living conditions etc (although they do too in a way), but it is me, something inside of me that gets to feel better, stronger and saner as a result of committing to work the program on a daily basis... As a result, I do not have to go crazy today just because I've been angry over someone or am not able to accept the loss of my loved one etc. Instead of feeling like the world has come to an end and running around drinking and drugging wildly, today with the help of the program, my Sponsor, my Higher Power and a support network of recovering friends, I can face it all, and still retain my sanity and my serenity.
Recovery isn't about feeling happy alone, it's also about learning to live and deal with feeling sad, bad, depressed, angry, sick etc Staying clean and working the program allows me to experience the full range of feelings and situations that comes everyone's way in life as a natural condition. I do not panic or run away, today it has become possible for me to be able to live life on life's terms with a different attitude... It's ok that I have this disease which is progressive even when I'm not using, that it does manifest through my defects of character and dysfunctional patterns, that's me. When I own that part without any whipping or self-flagellation, I get an opportunity to do something about it. I've found that for me, the problem lies in not accepting that part of me, feeding myself with "I'm not that, I'm not supposed to be like that, it's not me at all, I should/must be different etc." And I get stuck. The moment I own it all unconditionally and without any traps, I get the permission to change it. This is what the process of Steps does for me.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
TorturedSoul wrote:But other than working I sit at home.
Hey TS, Also try to remember that when you do THIS, you are spending all your time with the last person you used with, not the best company, huh? I'm commenting a little late and see that you are already getting into the solution, so keep coming and thanks for posting!!
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
Had a great sense of Fellowship at the meeting last nite. I set out by bus and exchanged a few pleasentries and good words with the women at the reception counter. Exchanged hellos amnd courtesis on the bus too with other Fellow passengers and also thanked the driver when I got off. At the meeting I went in early. took in a veg.burger and chips and as I sat down at the table ate the burger bit offered the chips to others. We had a newcomer in with her mom,,no one told the mom it was a closed meeting for addicts only; they llet her stay. I shared how I was reminded of the support my mother gave me those days in recovery. Then we exchanged banter and a member dropped me off at the bus station,,,in the car we 4 discussed how to improve meetings,,service structure etc. On the bus drive back I got talking to a chap whose family is originally from near here in England but is settled in Canada. So now i excnage a few words with a complete stranger,,then the bus driver and another passenger join the conversation. that 30 min. drive passes in a jiffy and then I get on the bus for teh one hour 45 minute journey back to hometown,,,and suddenly my mobile rings and me and J spend about half an hour chatting.
Now this whole day Ive been in,,actually missed starter classes as Im very tired,,,not only form the late last nite but also because ive actually been very irregular in my hoiurs these past 8 weeks or so completing my assignments,going on vacation to meet ma and my little girl in India,and now getting back into the routine for another senester.
I sometimes relish the solitude,,,sometimes solitude is indeed bliss !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
When I first got clean I looked around meetings and saw all these people who were happy and laughing and were friends. I had no concept of that, but I knew that's what I wanted. So I kept showing up, kept introducing myself as a newcomer, and if I talked to just one person that night I considered it an accomplishment. I would stand outside a smoke a cigarette with that person, and then another would show up. I would talk to that person, and now I had another friend. It took me a long time to build up that small circle of friends, and to be comfortable and to not laugh in all the wrong places. It got easier as I started to do some work and put myself out there more. When I opened up in even just the tiniest ways people notcied and started coming to me. I had to work to save my life, rather than just expect it to happen like I did in active addiction. We tell the newcomer to just "keep coming back and the miracle will happen"; well I believe that there are numerous miracles, and the ability to have a friend and have some fun is just one of the. Keep your head it, it gets better.
maureenamc wrote:...and if I talked to just one person that night I considered it an accomplishment. I would stand outside a smoke a cigarette with that person, and then another would show up. I would talk to that person, and now I had another friend...
...It got easier as I started to do some work and put myself out there more. When I opened up in even just the tiniest ways people notcied and started coming to me...
Hey thanks for sharing this... I still do it as part of my 'making-meetings' tool
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
In acctive addiction I was surrounded by soo many friends or so I thought they were friends. And I used for so long that is all I ever knew. So I guess I am used to having almost ready made-- we had one thing in common and that was enough. Now that one thing in common is not so obvious to me. Unless I replace drugs for sobriety and then there is one common ground between us. I don't know I am really working on this right now. And for some reason it has been really hard. Your words are impowering and do offer me hope that I can do this.
I was just like you I was making meetings when I felt like it and guess what happened next was I ended up using. I got up and dusted my ass off and went right back to the meetings running and guess what. I go to 2 meetings every day now and I enjoy it. I got more numbers now. I found a new sponsor that believes in me. I am feeling so much better now than before. I have had the best 37 days of my life this time around. I get to a meeting early help set up help break the meeting down. I do what they ask me to do. If they want me to share I share about what I am going through. I share my gratitude mostly. I was miserable for the first 7 months but I changed my attitude I don't allow things to bother me as much. Change is what happens and that counts. I was allowing a lot to bother me not anymore. I had a sponsee sister that went back out I got mad, angry hurt and sad over it. I stayed in it for about 10 minutes and didn't allow it to affect my peace, serenity, joy or anything. My old sponsor said one way to have that happiness is to keep your meeting schedule on a consistent basis and regular and that is what I do. Let me ask you this TS if you had cancer, and it went into remission would you stop taking the medicine? Hell no you would still take it to get better. This is a disease and we need our medicine which is the meetings. If your sponsor doesn't attend a meeting everyday themselves run from it. My ex sponsor was telling me to do 90 in 90 and she wasn't making that many meetings at all. I mimick what I see other's do. My new sponsor is always on her way to a meeting H&I. You don't take a break from this at all. I am grateful that I have a sponsor that works a real program of na.
In acctive addiction I was surrounded by soo many friends or so I thought they were friends. And I used for so long that is all I ever knew. So I guess I am used to having almost ready made-- we had one thing in common and that was enough. Now that one thing in common is not so obvious to me. Unless I replace drugs for sobriety and then there is one common ground between us. I don't know I am really working on this right now. And for some reason it has been really hard. Your words are impowering and do offer me hope that I can do this.
You can do this! With the help of others and your higher power.... you will succed. All of the ducks are in a row..... we just have to learn them.
"When an addict, any addict reaches out for help, I want the hand of NA to always be there,,and for that I am responsible". I am responsible for ending lonliness,,but not in an addictive way. I am not "addictied " to company,, I am not using people to fix feelings. Its the real relationships I have developed in NA thats made life meaningful,as long as they dont get addictive.
When my relationships,(not only the intimate ones) become obssessive and compulsive,the next thing will be the selfishness. Now thats a sign of my dis-ease in progress. Next in this context I will quote an authority on relationships.I am not naming the source cause that may imply endorsement of outside sources. If I am refering to an outside source as an individual in NA ,there is no problem .However,it may be taken out of context so I will keep that authority anonymous. So here it is=
1."Remember that a relationship is a pooling of resources.This means that with each relationship you are not only giving but also becoming more" 2. "Dont feel as if you are required to spend your every waking hour with those you love.Move aside from time to time and allow them a seperate space too" 3. "Dont think of forever. think of now and forever will take care of itself"
(now back to my own thinking,,ha,ha !!!) When I turn over ME,, I get WE. And strangely enough, all of our 12 Steps begin with WE,. And finally in the 12th,,"WE" bestows pon me a spiritual experience,and i share this. We tried to carry this message to addicts and practice these Principles in all our affairs. And thereby end lonliness ,,but there is a but. The key is the relationships built around the activity of carrying the message to the addict that still suffers .The relkationship is with a bunch, team,group etc. of recovering addicts who like me care for the desperate,dying addict and want to make a differance. This points to quality and not quantity Which means I need to build up that.
Heard this one ? "Clean time does not necessarily imply recovery",. At that point of suffering, clean time will imply the need to recover from the disease. Recovery at this point means cleaning up on the ways the disease of addiction manifests even without the use of drugs. A clue is given about having better relationships in that one word "TRIED." Placing unrealtstic expectations on myself or others is a negative antecedent in a relationship. I must allow others their own shortcomings and let them be themselves,in the sense of what they do and how they behave.I dont have to judge them or calibrate them.
All we can do is try. No amount of intervention by us can convince an addict to change. That desire , the Basic Text says has to come from within. It has to be an intrinsic motivation,which motivation may well be the effect of intense pain and punishment of using drugs and then withdrawls. In my case it was more than anything else the using of drugs against my will and the terrible withdrawls i had to go through.. Seems like unless I am sick and tired of being sick and tired I may not want ro listen.
Thats been the Truth for me.
One major cause of lonliness that I,my sponsor,sponsees and like minded friends have agreed upon is SELFISHNESS> When I am willing to let go of selfishness,,there has been a permanent end to my lonliness !! It works without fail each time I try. God Bless you in more than ever in your recovery . May the experience of hundreds of thousands of recovering addicts guide you,, if indeed that be your own choice ! "When an addict, any addict reaches out for help, I want the hand of NA to always be there,,and for that I am responsible".
I am responsible for ending lonliness,,but not in an addictive way. I am not "addictied " to company,, I am not using people to fix feelings. Its the real relationships I have developed in NA thats made life meaningful,as long as they dont get addictive. When my relationships,(not only the intimate ones) become obssessive and compulsive,the next thing will be the selfishness. Now thats a sign of my dis-ease in progress.
Next in this context I will quote an authority on relationships.I am not naming the source cause that may imply endorsement of outside sources. If I am refering to an outside source as an individual in NA ,there is no problem .However,it may be taken out of context so I will keep that authority anonymous. So here it is=
1."Remember that a relationship is a pooling of resources.This means that with each relationship you are not only giving but also becoming more"
2. "Dont feel as if you are required to spend your every waking hour with those you love.Move aside from time to time and allow them a seperate space too"
3. "Dont think of forever. think of now and forever will take care of itself"
(now back to my own thinking,,ha,ha !!!) When I turn over ME,, I get WE. And strangely enough, all of our 12 Steps begin with WE,. And finally in the 12th,,"WE" bestows pon me a spiritual experience,and i share this. We tried to carry this message to addicts and practice these Principles in all our affairs. And thereby end lonliness ,,but there is a but. The key is the relationships built around the activity of carrying the message to the addict that still suffers .The relkationship is with a bunch, team,group etc. of recoveing addicts who like me care for the desperate,dying addict and want to make a differance. This points to quality and not quantity Which means I need to build up that. Heard this one ? "Clean time does not necessarily imply recovery",. At that point of suffering, clean time will imply the need to recover from the disease. Recovery at this point means cleaning up on the ways the of addiction disease manifests even without the use of drugs.
A clue is given about having better relationships in that one word "TRIED." Placing unrealtstic expectations on myself or others is a negative antecedent in a relationship. I must allow others their own shortcomings and let them be themselves,in the sense of what they do and how they behave.I dont have to judge them or calibrate them.
All we can do is try. No amount of intervention by us can convince an addict to change. That desire , the Basic Text says has to come from within. It has to be intrinsic motivation,which motivation may well be the effect of intense pain and punishment of using drugs and then withdrawls. In my case it was more than anything else the using of drugs against my will . Seems like unless I am sick and tired of being sick and tired I may not want ro listen.
Thats been the Truth for me.
One major cause of lonliness that I,my sponsor,sponsees and like minded friends have agreed upon is SELFISHNESS>
When I am willing to let go of selfishness,,there has been a permanent end to my lonliness !! It works without fail each time I try.
God Bless you imore than ever in your recovery . May the experience of hundreds of thousands of recovering addicts guide you,, if indeed that be your own choice !
-- Edited by Raman at 18:54, 2009-02-07
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thanks Surrender,,Im in tears now as I type this. Last year at this time I thought I had found true love at last and set out here to meet her. I left a growing daughter,aged mother,the comfort of home and hearth and the security of many good bsuiness connections and a flourishing career to come be with her here,,12000 miles away.
It was a thrill in the beggining.Then some situations came up that made it difficult for both of us.In all fairness,we tried to work it out.
Last week I finally had to let go completely,,in order to stay a sane,responsible, caring and unselfish recovering addict.
This is the first time in my life where I have had to let go with love and love only. Its been very difficult,to say the least,but NAs,my family as well as studies have seen me tiding over this crisis.
It was very difficult last nite but I did it anyways= I sent her a Valentines saying "God bless you and may you find a fab boyfriend who will love and cherish you as you want him to".
Like they say,it is natural to feel sadness in the parting !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Good job Raman. Celebrate the new beginning of the continuation of your fab life. I'm jealous as ****. If I was single, in the UK, lurking in a fab human form like yours, I'd be grinning from ear to ear 24/7 .
Staying clean and working the program allows me to experience the full range of feelings and situations that comes everyone's way in life as a natural condition. I do not panic or run away, today it has become possible for me to be able to live life on life's terms with a different attitude... It's ok that I have this disease which is progressive even when I'm not using, that it does manifest through my defects of character and dysfunctional patterns, that's me. When I own that part without any whipping or self-flagellation, I get an opportunity to do something about it. I've found that for me, the problem lies in not accepting that part of me, feeding myself with "I'm not that, I'm not supposed to be like that, it's not me at all, I should/must be different etc." And I get stuck. The moment I own it all unconditionally and without any traps, I get the permission to change it. This is what the process of Steps does for me.
