Just when you think you're doing well...

amanda56258 · Senior Member

Just when you think you're doing well...

JanaM40503 · Veteran Member

Indeed, addiction manifests in all areas of my life! I hope you and your husband can work through this and you can achieve abstinence in this area too.

{{{{hugs}}}}

DeanC · Guru

wow! Your husband seems very understanding about all this. Most marriages don't survive infidelity. If my wife even said FU to me, it'd probably be over and visa versa, 15 years together and we've Never had an argument although most people think that's abnormal lol. Amanda, you wrote about this incident as though it happened in a moments time, like an offer to drink. Certainly there must have been quite a bit of thoughts, and inappropriate behavior ect... leading up to the event with the other man. You've figured out the hard way that 21 months isn't really a lot of time (even though your relapse wasn't with external drugs, the drugs released insid of our bodies during sex are stronger that anything man made), especially since you spent most it in a relationship, which is not recommended for solid reasons. I'm not trying spank you here, just saying that you did it your way and are now sorta mystified by the results. Being single in early sobriety allows the individual to focus on their self and all those compartmentalized areas (honesty, sex, work, family, home, life, relationships, finances, social life...). We can be extremely functional in several areas and horribly dysfunctional in others, a "dual life" so to speak.

I had problems with infidelity in most every relationship prior to recovery. Fortunately, I got divorced just before getting clean and sober the last time ('89) so I was able to be single the first 5 years and work on my relationship skills and issues. I was also fortunate the the AA club that I attended also had codependents anonymous meeting as well Acoa. I hit a couple meetings a week in both of those fellowships on top of my daily meetings in AA and a weekly meeting in NA. Good thing I was single huh?

.

What I learned in Coda, was that I was looking for relationships to make me feel complete and happy, as a replacement for my lack of spirituality, self esteem, self worth, and self love. This "Outer Esteem" as John Bradshaw calls it, passes as self esteem for awhile, but those people will fail us sooner or later as our dependence on them grows. This is similar to the increasing dependence on substances and how, as addicts, we increase the frequency, dose, strength and even switch to stronger drugs because what were doing up until then was not working for us any longer. Thus the allure of infidelity. If we are relying on that significant other to make us feel OK, whole, loved ... and we have a down cycle in the relationship (which is normal as relationships eb and flow) our undeveloped immature self will sense fear and look for a replacement. It's very typical for Codependents to be looking forward and backward (x's) just in case the relationship we are in ends, so that we won't have to be alone. How could we possibly be living in the moment or today, and enjoying the gift of a love relationship with another person if all the while we are wondering if it might end tomorrow, next week, month ect...? Fear of abandonment will perpetuate abandonment, and you came very close to experience that.

I am in awe of the redoubling of your efforts to insure your recovery, great work. I don't know much about the SLAA, but I do know that it is sort of a companion program to Coda and some groups combine the two- CO-SLAA (sounds ammusing I know) but I knew several women in my club that attended those meetings (and I'm sure that I could've qualified). Please check out Coda http://www.codependents.org/foundation-docs-patterns.php, it helped me tremendously. I'm very happily married to a wonderful woman in a perpetual high school sweetheart type of relationship. Wife is a non-addict but had an alcoholic (part time) father.

-- Edited by DeanC at 10:58, 2009-01-29

amanda56258 · Senior Member

Wow. I guess I didn't get into more of the details behind it simply for lack of time. I'll elaborate...

My husband's sponsee came to live with us just after my husband (Joel) had a vasectomy reversal (late December). The sponsee was new in recovery and needing a safe place to crash while he saved up money for an apartment. This should have been red flag number one.

All through January, his sponsee was hitting on me in one way, shape or form. It really got to be a bit much... and most of it was while Joel was at work. My part in it, I need to say, is that I neither encouraged nor discouraged him from doing so. In one way, I was flattered, in another way I was disturbed.

I spoke of this to Joel about a week before shit hit the fan. I told him I was having problems with things, that his sponsee was hitting on me, and that, despite our relationship and the love I have for him (Joel), I was finding it hard to say no.

I spoke to a few people from my NA meetings and nothing seemed to really help. I kept running into brick walls. I felt ashamed for the feelings I was having - not that I really liked/loved this other man, but that I was having sexual feelings towards him and it was a real high feeling. I got a "how dare you think of something like that when you have a perfect husband beside you?" I felt awful.

The day of, the sponsee was home at lunch and was bummed out because the job market was less than adequate (we live in a rural MN town). I gave him a hug and he made a comment along the lines of "I would have liked that better if you were naked." Shocked (and slightly turned on), I went back to work.

At work he sent me a few lewd text messages talking about what he was planning on doing to me when I got home. Addict/hormones/lack of common sense/sneak me took over. When I got home, I was dealing with the angel/demon on the shoulders, but the adrenaline/hormone rush was more than I knew how to deal with...

Afterwards, I had an awful time keeping this a secret. My husband and I are sometimes a little TOO honest with each other. I told him the following morning and by that afternoon, his sponsee was out of the house.

Between the consequences of a relationship put in rocky status, coming to terms with the possibility of having another addiction, and the overwhelming feeling of guilt/shame, it's been a rough week and a half. Joel's been pretty incredible (though I know the idea of tossing me to the curb was in the back of his mind).

That experience, for me, was my rock bottom. I can't believe the pain and distress I put into others' lives because of my actions. In looking back, I see patterns of this behavior again and again... I just want to break the cycle.

We're seeing a counselor on Monday - one who knows addiction very well. And knows us well, too. I'm looking forward to this recovery, but terrified in the same light. Focus on today...

DeanC · Guru

I had some room mates before sobriety (while I was married) and in early sobiety, that included some issues, or close calls let's say that were similar to what you wrote about. Codependency labels these situation as happening because of "inappropriate boundaries" and not knowing how to say no (people pleasing), approval seeking, and allowing one's self to be "chosen, rather than choosing for ourselves. This is a carry over form our younger days, when we were thrilled that anyone would have romantic intentions for us, and felt that that qualified them to be with us or in a relationship with us. Most people grow out that quickly as teenagers, but codependents get stuck there and feel a certain pull when others pay attention to us. What we learn, in recovery, is to set boundaries for ourselves and others and enforce those boundaries.
Inner child work is key here. Our inner adult has to talk the wheel and put the child in the back seat. John Bradshaw talks about this extensively. He said that he travels a lot giving seminars, and when he gets on planes, he sees a pretty woman smiling at him, with a empty seat next to her and his little kid (inner child) says "Oh I want to sit with Her!" and his adult says back to himself "No you have a nice wife and your seat is over there".

Pretty much like denying yourself a drink or drug, with the emphasis on the word "No".

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