Maybe he did Jana. Sounds like he's about outta options.

JanaM40503 wrote:

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I'm still working hard on my codependency issues.   Big steps for me, not letting him in while he was sleeping in the back yard, not taking him to treatment, not letting him come home and I won't be visiting every day if he's in treatment either.  I will take that a day at a time, talk with his providers and follow their recommendations in terms of my involvement and keep talking to my sponsor.

Just thought I'd update.

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You might want to start calling him your "X" instead of your "SO" 

 

perhaps you should take another look at this definition.

http://drsanity.blogspot.com/2009/01/definition-of-insanity.html

It wasn't until you kicked him out that he was willing to get help, but
It appears that he has admitted himself, by his statements that he made, to win favor with you, for the expressed purpose of fixing the relationship and moving back in with you.  It's been proven over and over again, that a person will not stay clean and sober for any outside reason.  That's why it's almost a certainty that most relationships will have to end, before the addict/alcoholic acquires the gifts of desparation and willingness and work for recovery.  Many times, enablers get in the way of this process and stick pillows under the @$$ of the addict preventing them from hitting their bottom. 

This is an exerp from  "The Akron pamphlets"  circa 1940 called the "definition of an alcoholic annonymous".  Note the reference to how the person must do it for themselves.

 "Definition of an Alcoholic Anonymous: An Alcoholic Anonymous is an alcoholic who through application of and adherence to rules laid down by the organization, has completely foresworn the use of any and all alcoholic beverages. The moment he wittingly drinks so much as a drop of beer, wine, spirits, or any other alcoholic drink he automatically loses all status as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
      A.A. is not interested in sobering up drunks who are not sincere in their desire to remain completely sober for all time. A.A. is not interested in alcoholics who want to sober up merely to go on another bender, sober up because of fear for their jobs, their wives, their social standing, or to clear up some trouble either real or imaginary. In other words, if a person is genuinely sincere in his desire for continued sobriety for his own good, is convinced in his heart that alcohol holds him in its power, and is willing to admit that he is an alcoholic, members of Alcoholics Anonymous will do all in their power, spend days of their time to guide him to a new, a happy, and a contented way of life.
     It is utterly essential for the newcomer to say to himself sincerely and without any reservation, "I am doing this for myself and myself alone." Experience has proved in hundreds of cases that unless an alcoholic is sobering up for a purely personal and selfish motive, he will not remain sober for any great length of time. He may remain sober for a few weeks or a few months, but the moment the motivating element, usually fear of some sort, disappears, so disappears sobriety.

      TO THE NEWCOMER: It is your life. It is your choice. If you are not completely convinced to your own satisfaction that you are an alcoholic, that your life has become unmanageable; if you are not ready to part with alcohol forever, it would be better for all concerned if you discontinue reading this and give up the idea of becoming a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
      For if you are not convinced, it is not only wasting your own time, but the time of scores of men and women who are genuinely interested in helping you."


If you would let him attend to his recovery, you'll have more time to work on yours.  Letting go of that control is difficult, but there is an overwhelming sense of peace and serenity when you do.  







-- Edited by DeanC at 09:42, 2009-01-27

Hey Jana, I wasn't questioning your NA program at all. I was responding to your statement .

"I'll talk to his therapist or counselor, when he gets to the addiction unit, and find out what I will and won't do."

I noticed that you didn't comment about any of my post except for the last sentence, which was about your statement above and working on codependency (not na). He's an adult, why does he need you talking to his therapist or counselor? You've been playing mom, banker, parent, and inkeeper for him for how long? And now you're going to be his sponsor? His odds of recovery are much greater if he does it on his own, as the body of my last post addressed and obviously, the dysfunctional relationship is not working. You made this thread presumably to get input about the situation, but it seems that you're only looking for validation of what you've already decided to do. What good would it be for me to tell you what you wanted to hear? I sincerely hope that you wouldn't do that to me, when I was floundering and looking for answers. Sorry you found my comments over bearing and perhaps they are, but that doesn't make them incorrect. .

If I didn't care, I'd have skipped this thread. I'm praying for the best for both of you {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

-- Edited by DeanC at 18:52, 2009-01-27

Hey Jana, you're the one that I care most about because you are in our family. Not that he doesn't deserve love, but he needs to stop bringing you down and pull himself up by his own bootstraps (God I love the saying ). One of my other favorites (that I used to hate) is "No good deed goes unpunished". I got sucked into a couple of sheisters just before Christmas. One short time employee asked for me to pay him an extra $100 on friday so that he and his wife wouldn't be evicted. I did and I never saw him again. Two weeks later I let another short time employee move into a cottage that I rent, thinking that with him working for me, his pay would secure his rent. Wrong, two days later he stopped coming to work and I chased him for two weeks to get him out of my cottage. He beat me out of 1/2 a months rent, an expensive power tool, keep the key (I had to change the locks) and clean the apartment. As hard as I tried not to, I got mildly depressed about it for the first two weeks of this month. Damned holidays turned me into a softy and I got spanked for it.     Ok, tell me what a sick codependent that I am. 






-- Edited by DeanC at 19:56, 2009-01-27

JanaM40503 wrote:

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Honey, you're not a codependent... You're just STOOPID! ROFL



TRULY JOKIN' YA!

You're a nice guy and that is one of my mother's favorite sayings too... "No good deed goes unpunished". The trick is to be able to continue to do good deeds because they reflect who we want to be, not who we wish others were.

______________________________________________________

boy isn't that the truth.  still gullible after all these years.  I'll be 20 years clean and sober this summer (God willing )  Somehow I wonder how I still consider myself a "realist" through all my dreamy optomism.

As for your so,  he needs to get honest with himself and get down to what is really wrong.  It's always the childhood/young adult stuff.  For me the 2 alcoholic parents, and the perfectionistic Military officer father, that I could never do anything "right" for.    Mix in about 7 years of catholic school and doing battle with the penguins.    =  couldn't drink and drug enough to forget about it.