hey everyone so heres my situation and i'm not too sure how to deal with the hurt of it all. I had a friend in recovery who i used to call him my uncle. He helped me get adjusted in the rooms, introduced me to solid females in the program. The problem is that I love the chanting, and the area i originally came from did a lot of chanting. I remember my first few meetings when I couldn't even look up, let alone smile, and I heard someone "boing and splash" during the beginning of the 12 traditions. It made me chuckle, and it gave me a little hope that recovery wasn't all gloom and doom. So I started doing this in the new area, and chanting at other spots. I have this problem of a wandering mind during the readings, and when i was waiting to chant i was able to concentrate on the words being read. This was a very useful tool for me to stay in the meeting and not counting ceiling tiles. The problem is that it kinda bugged a few people. And this uncle of mine said to conform to the group and stop it cause people wont like you and you wont fit it. I've always backed myself up by saying that if someone wont be my friend/like me because of what i say in meetings than I don't want to be their friend anyways. It's been actually a good way to weed out shallow people. This has been going on for about a year, and every now and then I get this conversation about it. Lately this uncle has been medaling in my SO relationship, he had the nerve to tell him that if his daughter was dateing a guy like him and wanted to marry her how would you feel...... this hurt my boys feelings and really hurt mine. This is my first healthy SO relationship and I'm actually with someone who respects, and treats me like that women i am. I'm not degraded, I'm not beaten, and I'm not controlled. So i'm hurt that this uncle doesn't think he good enough for me, only since he doesn't have the material things. I'm not concerned about that, and plus i don't have much myself...... I feel offended and really hurt, because it feels like that whole conformaty thing again. Now a group of people in the program don't talk to me, and i'm outed..... The JFT on jan.21 said it all, and it's kinda sad that these people had left the room when it was read..... and I know I'm doing the right things in my recovery, and i've talked to my sponsor about this. My problem lies in dealing with the emotion. Do i confront these people with my feelings, or do I learn to let go a friend. I don't want to lose this friend cause of something so trivial but i'm a little bitter about this all...... so if this made any sense(cause it doesn't in my mind) and you have a suggestion on how to deal with this i'm happy to hear it.... thanks everyone
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people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind- Dr. Seuss
Wow, lots going on in your head! First of all, big hugs!
OK, the chanting... I'm assuming you're talking about the adding of cute sayings during the readings. Personally, it annoys me. I need to hear what is being read and I think newcomers should have the ability to hear it too. That is my personal opinion and I have come to realize that different groups do things different ways. If I don't like a group's practices, I have a choice about attending those meetings. I think I also have a responsibility, if I'm going to go to their meetings, to respect their meeting etiquette and formats. If I see that my "chanting" is not appreciated by members of a new group, perhaps I need to respect that. If newcomers count ceiling tiles or stare at the floor during the readings, that's OK. As long as they keep coming back, they'll eventually be able to hear what is being read. My responsibility to the newcomer is to welcome them, make them feel at home and loved, to offer hugs and an ear and my experience, strength and hope, not to disrupt the readings. It's not a crime to "conform" when conforming looks like respect and consideration for others. Don't confuse conforming with uniformity.
As for you relationship... There will always be people in our lives who think they know better than we do what we should be doing, who we should or shouldn't be with, etc. Sometimes they're actually right but I often have to find out for myself. What I've come to realize is that a lot of things that are said to me, that hurt, hurt because they have merit, because I hear some truth that I don't want to look at. Maybe take a look at that.
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
Thanks for the post Andrea. I agree with Jana on this one. In my area there are both types of meetings. There are the inner city meetings where addicts are a lot more expressive and feel free to "cross talk" during the readings (for that is what it really is) and there are many suburban meetings where such a thing is not only frowned upon, but is almost unheard of. I enjoy both types and switching up my meeting attendance helps me to keep my recovery fresh. Jana mentioned meeting etiquette and I really believe in conforming to whatever meeting I'm in so that I contribute to the atmosphere of recovery, not take away from it. I believe it's that atmosphere more than anything else that will grab that newcomers attention. If I really believe that the newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, then I need to take responsibility for making them feel welcome- get them a literature packet, meeting directory, phone list etc. I love the saying "Newcomers don't care how much we KNOW until they first know how much we CARE." Sharing my ass off and "nailing" the topic won't impress a newcomer nearly as much as a simple hug and a warm, personal welcome and an invitation to coffee. Yes, this program is about freedom, freedom to express myself any way I see fit in any meeting. But with freedom comes responsibility. If I am demanding my right to "free expression" at the expense of the atmosphere of recovery, I need to take a look see at WHY I feel this way. For me many times, it's simple rebellion against anyone daring to try to tell ME how I should behave. As for the relationship piece, Andrea, again, Jana said it well. There will always be well-meaning friends who think they know what is best for me. One thought did occur to me...could this "uncle" be jealous of your friend? Just a thought... Be Easy
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
