I know this might be a controversial topic, but I was thinking today that sometimes I and others I know have commented- in the midst of using- that other people don't know what they are missing- that high from using. Once I said I can't believe people live their entire lives and never feel that way. Now that I am clean I wonder if I still feel that way- that somehow I am lucky because I got to get that high and now I get to recover and be sober? Just an honest question to myself, I guess and now to you all.
I don't feel superior to people who have never used. I feel the opposite.... sometimes i feel less than. I've been noticing this in school, which i just started, that i don't feel as good as everyone in my class. I have no idea of their stories but if they haven't used like me, i feel like they are better than me. I know this is my own insecurities and I'm getting through it day by day.
__________________
people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind- Dr. Seuss
Coda, we used to try and duplicate the feelings of being loved, being happy, feeling safe, joy, peace, contentment, that the "others" feel naturally. That's like comparing someone with a happy marriage to someone with a blow up doll and indicative of how "We" really don't "get it".
You're are romanticizing the drugs here, as John Bradshaw's definition of addiction implies- "Addiction is a pathological relationship (love to/have to) to a mood altering substance of event, that has life damaging consequences". We develop a love relationship to our drug of choice and we fantasize and romanticize it. That's why it's so hard to break out of the habit. We really have to reprogram ourselves (brainwash if you like) that our feelings about our drug of choice are Wrong.
Now getting clean and sober, and the process of this wonderful program and the spiritual awakening that it will bring (if we work for it) are a gigantic blessing that a lot of those "other people" could enjoy. For that I'm eternally grateful.
I don't feel superior to anyone, usually. I strive to feel equal. What I do feel is grateful for the disease of addiction and the resultant program of recovery which I believe has made me a fuller, happier and more balanced person, generally speaking. I have my days, however, that just SUCK! LOL
I believe everyone could find some benefit in the twelve steps and the traditions applied in thier lives. I don't wish the horrors of active addiction on ANYONE and I think people who've never tried a drug made better decisions than I did.
__________________
"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
I don't feel superior, I feel ashamed. I think people who can live without drugs and not constantly crave the escape of getting high are either much stronger or smarter than me. If it's strength, they have to be able to tolerate levels of pain far past the point where I would break down. If smarts, they have figured out some skills for living life without the day to day pain that I seek to get away from. Either way, I think drug naive folks are better than me, not the other way around.
Thanks for the topic Codependent. And everyone else for your replies. What Andrea mentioned is a common theme among addicts I know- and can be a real problem if not addressed. I'm talking about comparing the way I FEEL to the way everybody else LOOKS! I sometimes compare my insides to others outsides and always come up short. Know this Andrea, I believe every single person on the planet struggles with SOMETHING. They may appear strong and confident on the outside, but inside they share many of my insecurities and inadequacies.
Nick (753W) also brings up a good point. In the IP "triangle of self-obsession" it talks about how MOST people grow out of their dependence on others and begin to provide for themselves what they need to live a full life. As addicts, we seem to falter along the way somewhere. We seem to never outgrow the neediness of the child. We tend to believe that everything should be provided for us, that the world revolves around us. The last line says something like this:"We are fortunate that we are given a choice, one last chance. We must grow up or die."
The solution is in the 12 steps....
__________________
"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
