I'll try to be concise... I don't think I can listen to another human voice right now so maybe writing and reading some replies will help me come to some kind of clarity and surrender.
I've already posted that my SO is a chronic relapser. He was clean 8 months until the end of Nov. He used. For years I've been his method of protection from himself and his disease (safekeeping his money for him), his enabler (allowing him to use and then come back home, clean up for any given period of time, go back out and come home again... cycle of addiction) and his excuse ("I don't have any peace at home, I'm tense so much and then I use"... Never mind the fact that he also used when we were perfectly happy and getting along great too).
When he gave up the 8 months and used again I was really angry and our relationship really took a nosedive. I wasn't able to be loving toward him, I was curt, sometimes outwardly nasty and often critical, which is one of my character defects anyway. I was still babysitting his money, etc. The night after Xmas, he left to go to a meeting and didn't come home. He was using. He had one of my son's gifts, a new digital camera, in his truck and my son wanted his camera. He couldn't understand why R couldn't bring it home and then "go out with his friends" (his drug of choice is crack so it's disappear until he's exhausted every dollar, every resource to use with). I'd had it, or so I thought. I did something I'd tried to get up the courage to do before but never could... I called my ex (my kid's dad) and told him what was going on, so I'd be accountable to someone, so I'd be facing some unacceptable consequences if I gave in again (my ex would take the children from me if they were living with me and a using addict). I asked him to change my locks for me and he did. R came back, got into the garage and basically forced his way into the house. I told him that the ex knew, he couldn't stay or I'd lose the kids. I paid for 3 nights in a motel (all his money was gone, obviously and payday was 3 days away) and when he got paid he paid for the rest of that week and another one. I worked him back into our lives, "If you're clean you can come have dinner, see the boys", etc. He wanted to come home, loves me, wants to stay clean, etc. etc. I tell him that he has to go talk to the ex, man to man, because the only way I will agree is if I'm not in jeopardy of losing custody and with the condition understood that if he uses again he will be locked out and that will be the end of it. That was Sunday the 11th. We didn't get along well at all that week. Thursday the 15th(payday) comes, he leaves for a meeting and never comes back. I lock the locks he has no keys for put his shit outside and go to bed. He wakes me up at 4 AM for his checkbook. Sunday morning he shows up at my door, knocking, at my window, knocking I go to the door and talk to him through the window. He's begging, literally, to come in. I tell him he can't. I give him a few bucks for something to eat and tell him to call his family. His mother sends him $100... Enough for two nights in a motel, but there are 5 days till payday. He asks me if he can stay at the house for 3 days until he gets paid. That's today. Because of the wreckage of last week, there is only $400 left. Next week all but $150 will be taken from his acct. (if he doesn't get to it first) to pay the truck payment (which I am a co-borrower on). for some reason I tell him last night that he can stay for the two weeks until he has a full paycheck and can get somewhere to live. I have not stuck to a single committment I've made to myself and I continue to take care of his problems. I can't stand ME anymore. I don't trust me. I don't believe me. I don't know what I tell myself that is true and what I'm in denial about.
This isn't about how much I love him and don't want him to go... I DO want him to go. I can hardly stand to look at him and his self absorption is so distracting and unattractive! Anyway it's about my fear, my codependence, me being me... fix, manage, control. I want OUT of the fix, manage and control business! I suck at it and I ALWAYS end up in pain, unmanageable and hitting yet another bottom.
So, after a lot of conversations with my sponsor and other recovering addicts I am convinced that I need to stop fixing his problems so I call him and tell him that I've changed my mind and that he needs to find somewhere to move this weekend, that he needs to fix his own problems. Then I feel like a shit for going back on my offer (he didn't ask, I just offered... DUMBASS!) and now I'm just fucking with him and myself and I don't know WTF to do! He says he's going to look at some places after work.
Today, I thought he'd already gone and used... He wasn't answering his phone and he took $100 out of his acct. I was so RELIEVED! It was like God took it out of my hands and I didn't have to do anything. I could be free... Then he calls. He couldn't hear the phone where he was and he used the money for gas and fish food, etc.
God I WANT to let go! I thought I HAD let go. I'm still managing his shit! I'm so sick of ME right now it's like another 6th step, which I guess it sort of is!
If you read all that... Thanks!
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
well you're on the right track, sorta. Some of your message was about You. Inbetween a lot about him. It's not about him. In fact, you don't really love him, he's just a bed warmer that your abandonment fear won't let go of. And if it wasn't him it'd be another addict because that's what you're focused on, a project of a human that you can try to control. Of true love, you know not. Because if you loved yourself, you wouldn't be with him. And if you can't love yourself, how can you love anyone else. I don't mean to be harsh and I've been right where you're at, with my X. Once I realized that I didn't really care for her but was addicted to the relationship, then it was easy. I had to let her go and learn to fix myself, so that I wasn't so needy that I had to have some piece of crap for a wife.
The good news is that once I learned to love myself, take care of myself, be my own best friend and enjoy living alone, I was ready to date people that didn't need me. I am now happily married 12 years (in a 16 year relationship) to a wonderful independent woman that still doesn't need me. We have never had an arguement! No name calling, no threats, no flying objects, no body leaving and not coming back, nothing but bliss. She's my best friend and I love going everywhere and doing everything with her, when I can. I also enjoy doing my own thing.
Thanks Dean and I appreciate your candor. I tried to talk about me as I know it's not about him. What's going on with ME right now is ALL about ME!
Honestly, my fear isn't about being alone. I like living alone. Frankly, I can't wait until he's gone and I can have his closet and come home to find my house just like I left it! My fear is that he'll use me as an excuse to use again and that I'll buy into some part of that because even though I know better, not knowing better has never been my dilemma. It's what I BELIEVE that I act on and while I'm much better at getting in touch with the truth I still suffer from denial and misplaced responsibility. My fear is that he'll hate me and/or be really angry with me (how nutz is THAT?) I honestly want him gone. I honestly want him to get on with his process of addiction, or recovery, whichever he choses, and to get on with my process of recovery. I only have 5 years and 9 months clean. I'm still a kindergartner in this recovery deal and, as is pointed out to me frequently by my sponsor, I have a VERY good understanding of the program which only leaves me with the application and application is often very painful. That's where I sit right now. Trying to apply, afraid to apply, in conflict with me, worrying more about someone else's feelings than I am about my own, trashing the modicum of self esteem I've achieved these past few years. I don't believe I love myself yet nor have I achieved complete self acceptance but I'm generally fond of me.
This isn't about love. I know that. It's about codependence and fear. I care for him. I don't see him as a loser. I see him as someone who is very sick and as someone who I have blocked from his process for nearly 5 years.
What I know is that I'll get through this. That I'll grow as a result of it or I'll use and that's just not an option for me. I don't even want to use. I want to get better! I know I can't get better as long as there is active disease in my house and yet even as I write all this, I find myself worrying about him, his state of mind, his response to all this. I've really got to get to the exact nature of this phenomenon!
I have no concern about having someone else in my life in terms of romance or "bed warming". I'll medicate with food! LOL I have become fond enough of me to actually enjoy time with and by myself. I also have a lot of good friends, sponsees and people in my life who love me, are exceedingly patient with me and support me, even when I'm fucking up.
I am praying for God's grace... that he comes back tonight with a place, ready to go, or (and I feel REALLY shitty for this) that he'll never make it anywhere but to the bank and the dope house and he'll go and use and then I believe I can lock the door and not open it again.
I've gone through some difficult stuff in my recovery... Divorce, child custody battle, losing jobs, the sixth and seventh steps, my dad's death, SO's using over and over. This is a tough one but I do have faith that I'll get through it clean.
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
Thanks Dean. I can tell you that I've made my decision, figured out what I can live with, right or wrong. I told him, by phone, that I will not rescind my offer... While I have the right to change my mind, I'm not prepared to emotionally. I guess I need to know that I gave him the opportunity, once again, to start off without one foot in the crack house. That I can't be blamed or used as an excuse for another decision to use. I'm going to live with that and I'll be able to sleep tonight.
I don't know why it matters to me that he can't use me as an excuse (in my mind, I'm sure he'll do so anyway if he uses again before he moves out).
He says he's looking for somewhere to live right now. Perhaps he'll find a place and all this will be moot. He's very manipulative right now - "I don't care. I don't care about anything", etc. etc. That, I know, is his stuff and I'm not participating in it. I simply said the offer stands, I won't waffle on it again. That he needs to make a plan, financial and otherwise to be moved by Feb 5th and that if he fucks up between now and then, it will be at his peril, not mine.
This month of experiences has shown me some areas where I need to get to the exact nature... When and why I decided I wasn't good enough and didn't deserve to put my own sanity and safety first.
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
Hey Jana, sounds like you're working it out. By the way, I spent the first 4 years of recovery (in AA/NA) also going to codependents anon, and Acoa meetings weekly. It's some text book stuff you're going through right now. Bottom line is that his chances of recovering from his disease are like all of ours, 1 in 20. But in my opinion much less because he's in a dysfunctional relationship and has a pretty good enabler (that you admitted). You can't get him clean and you can't make him use. I like the 3 "C's" of Alanon. "You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it." So feeling guilty about him using is misplaced emotions due to people pleasing, which is a control issue backfiring. You need to let him go and experience life on life's terms so that he can get sick and tired, and perhaps acquire the gifts of desperation and willingness like we all had to. Love yourself enough to let him go. You deserve better and he needs to hit some bottoms.
I think it's already been done Dean. I believe he's using... Can't be positive but I think so, in which case the door is locked to him, for good this time.
I am well aware that I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. I've KNOWN that for a long time but I think I believed differently and for me to be able to let go, I had to know that I'd sent him on his way with every opportunity to make a clean start, on good footing. He's now chosen not to accept that opportunity if he's using and if that is the case, the opportunity is off the table.
I plan to put a very short note on the door before I go to bed tonight with a warning and a plea not to force my hand in calling the police if he persists in knocking on the door or the window. I won't take his calls, I won't be a part of this anymore.
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
you'll give it up soon. just focus on what jana needs to do . How old is your son? What's he like. I miss mine terribly since he left for college 3 years ago.
I'm 51, my boys are 5 and 8! Yes, God has a sense of humor... A warped one at times! I'm sure I'll miss them when they go off to college, right now I can't WAIT! LOL College (or just the going away part) seems like a distant dream!
I've given up. He's gone. It's 8:30, no call, no show, no answer the phone. I do find it interesting that he's not taken any money out of the bank but maybe he lost track of time. He'll find a way to keep getting high until the bank opens... He always does. As for me, I'm fixing a mushroom and spinach stuffed chicken breast, some steamed green beans and then I'll be off to bed.
You guys are so great!
-- Edited by JanaM40503 at 22:07, 2009-01-22
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
You know what you have to learn this now!!! You can't control people places and things. Once we come into contact with the fellowship we learn that we can't no longer blame people, places or things to use the dope. He has to be the one to blame for this problem he has not you. If he picks the dope up guess what it is not your fault, he has a choice now, he knows that he never has to use ever again for the rest of his life. I suggest that every time he shows up to the house call the cops on him, then change your phone number on him. Then get a restraining order on him for at least a year. Then see what he does or doesn't do for that whole year. You have to bring that bottom sometimes to the addict that doesn't want to do it for himself. We have to come to our own terms. Some of us have been homeless, penniless, jobless before we got the help we needed. In one of my meetings I heard a dude share that he took it as far as sleeping with other men in his life just to get the next fix. Let him be responsible, take care of you and your children. Move out of the way and turn it over to the God of your understanding in your life. I am serious about this.
Thanks everybody. The ass kicking I set myself up for yesterday has produced a stronger me today. He never came back, at least not that I know of and he couldn't get in. He called several times during the wee hours but I didn't even hear the phone. left voicemail asking me to leave his phone chargers and watch in his junker car that's here. I did.
Called obsessively this morning, I didn't answer. He finally gave up. I know what I have to do and I'm prepared to do it... Let him go, completely. No more rescues, no more bail outs.
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
Hi Jana, It's about 2:00 AM here in Indianapolis on Sunday. I just returned to work and finished catching up on the board. Thank you for this thread and I'm sorry for what you're going through. JUst wanted to let you know that I care deeply about what you are going through and feeling and that you are loved. Keep writing....
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
Thank you Jana for sharing your troubles with us, hope it gets better for you, prayers and hugs.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
. How old is your son? What's he like. I miss mine terribly since he left for college 3 years ago. 
