Well, not a wonderful day for me but I'm amazingly OK.
I mentioned yesterday that it was a tenuous day for my S/O with getting paid and his history of relapse. Sadly, he didn't make it through. He left to go to a meeting at around 7 last night... Didn't see him again until around 4 AM when he came and picked up the stuff I'd packed for him and put outside (he's now locked out) and to call me incessantly until I'd give him his checkbook.
When I put him out right after Christmas for using, I was devastated. I cried for 4 days, I couldn't function, couldn't sleep. This time I'm committed to not loving him to death anymore. Have realized that I couldn't fight my own disease and win... I certainly don't have a chance against his. I'm sad. Sad for him and sad for my boys who are too young to remember a time when he wasn't a part of their lives. My 8 year old is devastated and that breaks my heart but we'll all be OK... Perhaps this will be a hard but good lesson for them when they get older and think about trying out some dope. I pray that something good comes from this.
So, when you pray for the still sick and suffering addict today or tonight, keep him in your thoughts. He's gonna need prayers!
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
Sorry to hear Jana I will be praying for him and for you guys.
I honestly believe we get possesed by evil spirits why else other then from insanity would we do the things we do ? this is a spiritual war NA and other programs offer a defense against those spirits that would have our souls and body and minds.
Before I was able to stay clean any length of time I realized this and started rebuking those spirits and i actually started getting a step closer to recovery, i relized that this was a spiritual war I was in, good and evil.
That borught me closer to believing in and having faith in a higher power, though my faith was minimal I did see things and was glad for them because what I was going through was hell and all I wanted was peace.
Its a journey for each of us though our journey involves so many others and effects them and there lives . And it's very sad at times what happens and can happen but everyone has to see how it can strengthen them. The boys may be hurt and you may be hurt but your husband is sick and needs love no matter what he's doing , unconditional love but you can't keep him from hitting bottom he needs to do that on his own and not be allowed to effect your lives daily.
It is so so sad this disease but we do get clean he will see you clean getting through this and maybe wake up one day and surrender to his own personal powerlesness, we can hope.
Today for me I wake up knowing I am powerless yes I have thoughts of using not really reservations , just my addiction reminding me I am powelerless but I have choice back in my life today I dont feed that desire what i feed is the good thats going on inside . My recovery is a also a journey and its still new and fresh almost 3 years clean now one day at a time . I am thankful to be where i am today compared to where i was not to long ago and my hope is others get it, it takes what it takes we dont decide for others hopefully they survive the devastation that comes because each addict lost to this disease is one lost soul to evil and we dont want that happening.
I don't really subscribe to the lower power, demonic, evil thing so much... I believe I have a higher power and without it, I am the lower power, the destructive power. But, hey, we're free to believe what we want as long as it works for us.
I'm angry about it right now. I don't get it. This is a guy who's been around the program for 20+ years, seen the kinds of bottoms like sitting down and putting the business end of a pistol in his mouth. Still he continues to try to fight the disease. It's sad and infuriating. He has watched me stay clean for nearly 6 years now, including through the times he brought my drug of choice home, the time I found him using in a motel room, through my father's brain tumor diagnosis and death and on and on. There are no more excuses. It, apparently, is going to be a bitter ends kind of deal for him.
As for me, I need to take care of me and my children. I'm in the process of lowering my monthly expenses, reducing my cable package, taking his vehicle and him off the insurance... Which does pose a practical problem... I am a cosigner on his truck... $540 a month payment. I can't pay it. I'm going to tell the bank to pick it up when he misses the payment in about two weeks, hopefully I'll know where it is. I accept my responsibility in this. I should have never agreed to cosign, I knew better but did it anyway. Powerless over him.
I'm just so much better with it this time, finally surrendered. While it's sad and maddening and a little scary, I feel a freedom this time.
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
I think you're doing the right thing. Doing the next right thing hurts some times though. 2 weeks ago today a friend,who had completely been in the grip of our continuing and progressive illness for the last 15 years,layed down in his bathtub,put a pistol in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He was 48. His mother found him later that day. A few days later when I found out about it,I went to a meeting,shared about it and said "Even with 21+ years clean,I'm number 1 because I'm no good to anyone if I don't take care of myself.".
Yep, sometimes recovery and growth require ripping your own heart out and stepping on it. I'll get through this clean, of that I'm sure. I pray he gets through it alive!
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"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
