{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} Jason.

The question for one's self at a point like this, is, "Have I had enough?" "Am I thoroughly convinced that I am powerless over my addiction, that I CANNOT control my using and that my way does NOT work?" When the answer to those questions is a heartfelt "YES", we begin the process of surrender.

I pray you get your ass to a meeting too. People tire of our BS. They lose faith and trust in us and, in God's time, not mine, sometimes that trust can be earned back. Sometimes the gift is simply an ability to trust myself and learn a new way to live.

I have to tell you that I'm not big on sugarcoating. I have compassion but I also take this disease VERY seriously... Like LIFE and DEATH, because that's what it's about.

My husband is a relapser. I took it for 4+ years. He'd get a few months clean, once (after he went to treatment because I'd put him out) a year, recently 8 months then a month then out again. I'd had enough. The pain got great enough for me to do something different. He's working on his recovery again but my trust has not grown enough yet.

For me Jason, I finally came to undersand that I act on what I believe, not what I know. I've always known better... Sadly, now knowing better is not my dilemma... Powerlessness is. I have a disease that makes me an "expert at self deception". I lie to myself and believe my own lies. As long as I believed the lies I told myself about my using and my ability to control it, I continued to use. When I really believed the TRUTH about my addiction, accepted my powerlessness over my addiction as a FACT, I was able to surrender and stay clean. Writing a first step helped with that getting in touch with the truth thing. I had to write down my attempts to control, and the results, and see it in black and white. I had to look at the FACT that locking my own keys in my car after I'd spent what I'd decided I could afford on dope did NOT work. That locking my money up in my office when I left work did NOT work.

Take a look at the TRUTH Jason and then begin believing it.

Thanks Anthony.

For years I tried to get this thing and I couldn't. 12 Step rooms were revolving doors for me. I'd get 30 days, a couple weeks, 90 days but I couldn't stay stopped and begin the recovery process. I did NOT understand the concept of "surrender" as it relates to my recovery and to staying clean. Today I realize that, for me, it was simply believing the truth instead of the lies my addicted mind tells me. I had to learn to recognize when I was entertaining a disease inspired thought process... "I'm just gonna do one" - LIE. I never did just one. "I'm going to stop after the weekend" - LIE. I never stopped after the weekend. The TRUTH was that I used against my own will. The TRUTH was that my using ALWAYS left me miserable, broken and at times, with some dire consequences to face.

The same became true in my 6th and 7th steps. I had to come to believe the truth about my defects... Defective simply means it doesn't work properly. That was the case with my character defects... It wasn't that they were "bad". It was that they didn't work for me anymore. They didn't get me desired results but I continued to practice them, becoming SO sick of ME in the process, until that truth (that they didn't and wouldn't work no matter how I tried to make them work) became what I believed. ONLY then was I able to surrender, become humble and allow God to allow me the ability to change. The awareness comes first, and that is some painful shit, the ability to change comes with surrender, acceptance and humility. Needless to say... My first 6th step SUCKED while I was in it! LOL

im just new to this forum, so hope that what i say helps. your kids love and need their dad. your wife needs her life partner. dont leave them. nothing is more important than family. your family.

Just know that you don't HAVE to hit a lower bottom... Many of us have already done it for you! My prayer is that you can surrender TODAY, right now, just for today!!