Ok I am finally taking the suggestion of asking the questions of How do you work your program in NA? I know if I ask the question why it is usually I am trying to justify or rationalize some garbage in my life at times. What do you do that helps you to work your program? I am just now doing a 90 in 90 maybe that is why I relapsed, I am sitting in the front of the meetings, I am bringing my book to meetings, I am getting and using phone numbers now, I am trying to learn to ask for help when needed, I have a homegroup, I am doing a little service work now and then, I don't know what else to do but to read recovery and relapse. I am looking for a new sponsor since my sponsor doesn't want me anymore and is throwing me away cause I was dishonest, lied to her and didn't tell her that I had been drinking alcohol for a whole month before I had relapsed really bad. I am not picking no dope up at all anymore.
well it seems like you are working the program.... The program to me is a bunch of little steps that must be taking to combat the desire to use. When I first started my first goal was to get phone numbers, find a sponsor, than a homegroup, and attend as many meetings possible. Once I had that done I started the steps... It's just one question at a time out of that book and eventually I was getting through them. The challenging part about it was taking what I have learned in the rooms and in my steps out into the world. I could pratice all the spirtitual principles when i was in a meeting, but once i got out the same old behaviours were still there. So again I started small but I make commitments to myself to start working them in all my affairs. Eventually I has become easier and the disire to use has been lifted, and I became happy. One thing I had to learn was to not discredit the little steps I took because they are just as important as the big picture... they make it happen.
__________________
people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind- Dr. Seuss
I was going over my life of trying to recover yesterday, I guess for me was I stopped TRYING and started DOING.
Once we get to the point where there are no reservations left we begin to recover, no excuses no good reasons, no giving ups giving in, we come to the point of absolute unquestionable surrender that there is no possible way we can successfully use any longer, see shannon you still had a reservation and thought you could get away with using, you also gave yourself the A OK to use because more then likely you were uncomfortable with something and wanted to stop feeeeeeling that discomfort.
WELL we have to start being willing to feel I dont care how uncomfortable it makes us we have to surrender to whatever it is and be willing and be honest enough to say , this really hurts but I am not going ot use over it, see thats the point of all those little things coming together.
And if your not there yet then your just simply not there yet and you got more pain and suffereing to go through. This takes a deep set understanding of what's going on, thats why its so so sosossosososo important to read that book and go to meetings read meeting read meetings grow to understand what the hell is going on and what the hell you are up against, you are up against pure EVIL it wants every damn bit of you spiritually, emotionally mentally and physically.
But we're here, we're here when you come back and say I'M WHIPPED I'M WILLING and I am WANTING HELP because thats what I went through, people in the program were always there when I came back . I did this thing too Shannon, back n fourth over and over and over again and again LOL, it's ok but remember WE DO DIE OUT THERE before getting back to the program, sometimes....
IT's the little things a long the way that prepare you for that day, that moment when you are so powerless over the obsession and complusion to use that bring it all together at that moment, and when you get past that moment, you gain strength, courage, fortitude, power and most of all self esteem back into your life and start believing in yourself and believing in the gift of recovery.
READ AND RE READ RECOVERY AND RELAPSE CHAPTERS IN THE NA BOOK page 74-83 this explains everything you need to know right now at this moment in your recovery.
Thanks for sharing Shannon, good work, you seem to be doing all things right
I did all that too (I still do), plus working the Steps with the help of a Sponsor... You might want to check out the IP Living The Program and use it as your daily journal... I was suggested the same when an oldtimer handed me this IP and asked me to do the same... it did wonders for my recovery, a lot of change happened as a result as I was able to keep track of what needs to change, what can be improved upon, what I would like to continue doing etc...
All the best in your recovery efforts, WE CAN.
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Just keep doing what you're doing. There is not much more that I can add. Everyone here has given you the very best suggestions. Just take one day at a time. Hit your knees when the obsession to use hits you.
good job Shanon. Don't forget to pray. I heard many people say that they prayed "for the compulsion to drink and drug to be removed" every morning, and It Was!. So that sounded like a good deal to me, after bumping my head, in the revolving door of relapse for 2 years. So I did say that prayer and started writing my 4th step, and scheduled my 5th step, which I did with a priest right at 6 months. An incredible feeling came over me. I felt like I was walking 3' off the ground. It's really never gone away and I've never wanted to drink or drug again.
Keep coming back it works,so work it because youre worth it. Keep coming back not only to meetings but also to the things that work.
Ive observed many recovering addicts,either in person or through the post,mail,literature etc. I have a few insights as to what works. Call it some form of eresearch or a way of life. Some things seem to be a common denominator in all addicts for getting clean and then staying clean and in recovery. A short list of those things would be= desire to stay clean no matter what asking about recovery in meetings with other addicts in recovery,,in recovery meetings of all sorts. and sharing the things that need sharing taking time to write,read and think about recovery each day getting and using a sponsor and also looking for understanding others to form close recovery associations with doing Service and Prayer and Meditation in any form.
To sum that up,those are all of the things that the 12 Step Program of NA asks me to attempt and are the very things that I need to do and have to do . they are the things that that recovery is all about.
Hope that helps throw Light,,love and hugs and keep coming back,no matter what else !!!
-- Edited by Raman at 13:48, 2009-01-08
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
you know what is really funny I am at such peace right now. I haven't had the desire to use since i have gotten clean this time around. No desire whatsoever yet. Not saying it won't creep up but I know it will but right now I am at peace. It seems that the more meetings I make the better off I am going to be right now for a moment to come and go. I am working on this thing to the best of my ability. I put a call in to my ex sponsor and asked her if she would reconsider to work with me. I haven't heard from her yet. She will call back eventually.
the obsession to use will be lifted eventually... we will be free to live the life that we are destined for... this was said many a times to me by the oldtimers when I was struggling in my early days in NA... it did happen... I did find peace and joy, without having to use.
The old lie is dead, we do recover!
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I've learned that I have to "live" my program and the principles I've found as a result of working the steps and then applying the steps to everything. Do I do it perfectly? Oh HELL no! LOL
Don't use! That's number one!
I made a committment early on to call three women in the program EVERY day... I didn't want to but I did it anyway. What happened, as a result, was that I got in the habit of calling someone so that when my ass was on fire I was able to pick up the phone. I also made some friends and because of that I learned about the value of the fellowship aspect of the program.
I've had 3 sponsors in nearly 6 years... It's OK. Ask your HP to reveal your sponsor to you, then ask her and then keep in touch with her, share with her. get to know each other. The sponsor/sponsee relationship is perhaps the most important relationship you will have.
Go to meetings, lots of meetings, different meetings, meet lots of people, get to know people.
Read the literature
Write, write, write. Get a journal and dump what's in your head in your journal. I was NEVER able to sort stuff out while it made the rounds among the village idiots that live in my head (ego, pride... The disease's best soldiers!).
Keep coming back!
Hugs!
__________________
"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
Hi Shannon. Thanks for posting. You are establishing some really good habits right now. I love the suggestion Vin made to read and re-read Recovery and Relapse. In the italicized part it talks about how "Recovery as experienced through the twelve steps is our goal, not mere physical abstinence." It also speaks of how "Two of our seemingly inherent enemies are apathy and procrastination." Apathy is just a lack of comittment, and procrastination is a lack of consistent effort.
First I made sure of my comittment to the Program AS A WAY OF LIFE! Then I identified those recovery tools that worked best for me: meeting attendance, reading literature, sponsorship, prayer, building a network of recovering addicts, and doing some type of service, (there are many others, these were just the best fit for my personality) Then all I had to do was be consistent in using those tools. I learned that I had to do it each and every day whether I wanted to or not, whether I felt like it or not, whether it was easy or not, or convenient or not, fun or not...none of that stuff mattered! The only thing that mattered was that I DID it. When I did, I stayed clean for another day. Comittment and consistent effort. That's what worked for me after two years of going to meetings, continuing to use, lying about my clean time, and feeling miserable.
I have heard that this is not a program for those who need it, but for those who WANT it, but I suggest that it's for any addict willing to DO it. Don't give up, Shannon. You are not alone!
__________________
"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
