Hello everyone my name is Kevin. I have a situation that I am very concerned about in my NA group. I am new to the program and I am concerned about what I see in my meeting and would like some advice. I may be over reacting so thats why I hope someone can help me. From my understanding about how the NA program works Women and men are not to date or even become friends away from the meeting for aleast a year. My conern is for a fellow NA member She has been clean for about 180 days this month and when She started the meeting she was envolved with a man and broke off the relationship with him after about sixty days clean and then About two weeks later she started dating this man from the NA group which he has been in for about a week longer than her they are dating and go out alot together. She is in a battle for her kids in the courts I am afrraid that the judge will not be happy to find out that she is seeing a man from tha NA group. She Chairs meetings I honestly dont think she should be chairing meeting because she has broken the rules of the NA group and is not setting a good example for the New commers it seems that if you dating a man from the NA group that maybe she is not taking this group seriously because she has broken a BIG rule in my eyes. I dont understand Why no one has said anything to her or him about this I guess I just needed to Vent Thanks for letting me and Hope to hear some advice back thanks.
Thanks Dave for your response I know she is free to date anyone in the eyes of the Law I just worry that it is a very poor choice to get envolved with another member my understanding in my group is that Is a huge huge NO NO I guess I miss understood that past about my NA group thanks alot for help clearing up that for me.
I'm not an expert on NA literature because I spent most of my time in AA groups, but the structure is very similar (12 steps and 12 traditions are under an AA charter). In AA the 1 year "rule" is a Suggestion. It doesn't appear in any AA literature and there have been some prominent AA speakers (Such as Bob Earle) that oppose the unwritten "rule". Personally I think that it's imperative to stay out of relationships for at least a year and as long as possible, so that the individual can focus on their recovery. With that said, it's still a suggestion (as with 99% of the program). The only requirement is a desire to stay clean. So don't get to revved up about it. We call that "taken someone else's inventory". If it bothers you, then you might consider finding another meeting.
Thanks Dean For your response. I really am thankful to be getting responses from people thanks alot for taking the time to read and respond to my post.
Hey Kevin! Wouldn't it be awesome if everyone that walked through the doors of NA took suggestions seriously? Especially the dating thing! Like the others said there's not really any rules. (except for the obvious like don't bring a gun or a loaded syringe into a meeting:) Keep working your program and your's only. You'll see people make mistakes left and right; sometimes fatal mistakes and all you can really do is listen and pray for them. I know it's hard when you see people you care about screwing up, especially when there's kids involved but God will take care of things in His time. It's awesome that you care. Channel that passion you have for NA into your own step-work. It will pay off huge. We learn a lot from other peoples choices and consequences as we do from our own.
Hi Kevin, Thanks for your post. I pretty much agree with what has already been said- focus on your own recovery, but take the opportunity to learn from the mistakes of others. Our literature says that we follow this way of life by example. A dictionary definition of example is: "A pattern or model to be imitated....or avoided." I remember being new to NA and a more experienced member explained it to me like this: "In NA we DO take one anothers inventory. We are told to "sit with the winners," and how will I know who the winners ARE unless I take their inventory? It is ok to take anothers inventory, the key is not to hold it against them. In other words, don't judge. Just observe and allow others to be an example to you, either positive or negative. And remember, you are also setting an example, whether or not you are aware of it. In NA someone is ALWAYS watching us, looking (like you are) for someone to set the example. Our text says that "There is no model of the recoverng addict." (as in an Ideal recovering addict) But there are role models- "Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern." But they ARE leaders, by their example of self-less service. Thanks again for your post. Keep coming!!
__________________
"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
One thing that struck me the most was your interest in this girl. I'M not judging but ill tell you that when I first entered the rooms It was ALL about MEEEEE. So my family in here really needed to hurt me gently. Oftentimes we focus on what is different about other addicts. We see them not working the program the way we think it should be done. It is imperative (great word huh ) that we seek what is similar . This girl has a drug problem, just like you. She has come to realize it. just like you. She has come seeking help, just like you Most likely she is a jumble of emotions. Most likely just like you
Its admirable that you want to take the suggestions offered and try to work them into your life. That's what makes it work. But........
As has already been offered up. This is YOUR program. YOU work it to the best of YOUR ability.
Don'T make the mistake of comparing your program to others For that IMO is surely a recipe for disaster.
I desperately want to recover from this disease. I can get caught up in looking at other peoples programs. Ive gotten very frustrated in this room right here. There's people that have what I want and I want it NOW !!!!!
It just doesn't work that way. Remember we didn't become addicted in one day, so easy does it.
Your involved in a process. The process will teach us tolerance, forgiveness , unconditional love, faith and understanding towards our fellow addicts.
We are alot alike you and I.. Dammit if I'm going to work it by these rules then by GOD you should use the same rules .
When I approached a sponsor stating those exact words he put his arm around me. Looked me in the eye and said.. " You really do think your the center of the universe don't you ?"
A bit hurtful maybe. But it worked.
Thanks for posting Kev.
__________________
The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
hey kevin.... you know i came into this program and all i heard was rules... don't date, go to 90 in 90 , and get rid of all your old friends...... this never worked for me... because my whole life every rule i heard i broke.... that was my old pattern... so i relapsed and when i came back ... my sponsor told me that these werent rule they were sugguestions, and they only became sugguestions because of others experiance with it. So i started to open my mind and listen... except my self worth was so low i felt i need a man to love me, cause than i could love myself.... this relationship ended once i got into my steps and realized that i didn't even like him.. it was an unfortunate lesson to learn for the both of us... what i've seen is that most cases only one will stay clean when the relationship ends... i did , he is still using.... So i did some work on myself and started to love myself fully through the steps..... and before my year i found a new boy... now the difference was that i had self respect now, and i wasn't going to be a door mat and i didn't get into the relationship to feel better because i was feeling great.... so now when new comers ask me about that dont date for a year, i tell them not to date till they can look in the mirror and honestly say that they love themselves... this maynot happen within the first year of recovery, this may take a long time... but for a relationship to be healthy both individuals must care and love themselves. As well as if you don't think this person should be chairing meetings because they are not following the sugguestions you should ask yourself.. where in NA lititure did it say we had to be perfect recoverying addicts?..... the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using......and our job is to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.......We all have our own paths to create in recovery, some of us can learn from others and some of us have to make our own mistakes to learn... I tend to always think i'm termially different and that it wont happen like that for me.... sadly it always does, one day i'll learn how to learn from others mistakes.....
__________________
people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind- Dr. Seuss
I have seen quite a few getting involved in relationships within the fellowship too early in their recovery, and I've seen what happens as a consequence too. But just like what the others shared here - it's too stressful and distracting for me to focus on them. At times, doing so takes me away from my own recovery.
However, I know of a NA couple where they both met each other in NA and one of them actually helped the other make it. They are married for many years now and have a wonderful kid. I've heard one of them share how grateful she felt that he supported her recovery and helped her make it, that if not for him, she wouldn't have made it. Even today, I meet them and they seem so happy, deeply in love with one another. So you never know what works for whom
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
As has been pointed out, there is NOTHING in our literature that talks about not dating or getting into a relationship for a year. It's always best to consult the literature because a lot of people share what sounds like really profound stuff in meetings but has no real basis in the program.
I don't judge other people's recovery. Perhaps this is HER process. Perhaps SHE needs to do this in order to move forward in recovery. One thing our literature DOES say about relationships is that "they can be a very painful area..." Sometimes pain is a motivator!
I think it's a great idea to take some time of self reflection, working steps, being focused on recovery as opposed to Bob or Sue. I also think that the only way we learn to have relationships with other people is to have them and make the mistakes and learn from them.
Finally, I've been in meetings all over the country and I've never heard of someone being prohibited from chairing a meeting because they didn't take a suggestion and certainly one that's not even really a part of the program! Heck, I've chaired meetings on days that I didn't practice a single damned principle! LOL
__________________
"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it". - Flannery O'Connor
"The truth doesn't change based on my inability to stomach it." That's a good one...
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
