I either yell, slam my fist into or onto something, walk away mumbling LOL I really dont know what to do anymore, totally frustrated with my own damned self my girlfirend says I need counseling
It there a step or 2 I need to work on this ? is there a prayer i need to say ? I just dont know anymore, I'm really powerless but want to take responsibilty for my actions.
Almost immediately after i do something a better way of handling it POPS into my head but by then the damage is done talk about frustrated this ones really a problem in my life and making it totally unmanageable.
I realize that I continue to be selfish , with expectations that never get met and the play doesn't play out the way I want it every time thats a big part of this. All n all I am powerless over other people and often the only thing I can do to keep from doing something wrong is to keep my mouth shut because once I open my mouth crap starts pouring out then I argue then I get mad then I act out, usually physically, I have never hit a woman and I have control over my violence but I still physically scare people sometimes.
Thanks for all the continued help with this everyone.
Hey, V, are you my husband? LOL He struggles with the same behaviors. I'm very mellow and don't react to much, so it's quite annoying. All his tantrums and muttering under his breath. Truthfully, it frequently makes me not want to be around him 'cause I don't want to hear it. It disrupts my peace.
I call it "privileged white male syndrome." He thinks he should have it better than everyone else.
Nonetheless, I struggled with acting out verbally and physically in a relationship early on in my recovery. As much as I worked the steps and tried to apply them, I finally had to just force myself to shut the fuck up and do nothing.
Just stop.
It was incredibly hard. What happened, though, was when I stopped acting out cold turkey, I actually felt what was really happening. The feelings were overwhelming! No wonder I tried to avoid them by acting out.
BigV, consider this. When we get angry (or any number of other negative emotions) we release adrenline (amongst other strong chemicals) into our body. This is as strong (if not stronger) than any drugs available. John Bradshaw talks at length about becoming addicted to feelings because of these drugs. AA calls it a "Dry Drunk" when we get angry (as outlined in step 10 which I will copy for you). I call it becoming an "internal drug addict". Any way you slice it, getting angry is not being clean and sober. I'm not suggesting a white chip, but one of these times it could very well lead to your "drug of choice". We just can't afford the luxury of negative thoughts. Anger can only come for unmet expectations. We know that "expectations are resentments under construction". So to head off anger, we have to head off resentments, which means that we have to avoid expectations. It's that simple. You can't hold onto expectations (such as pet peeves), and hang on to resentments, and expect to avoid anger. It's like eating donuts and getting pissed about the fat.
OH MAN I am in trouble LOL thanks Blithe I feel for you as I do my girl I know we're tough to handle and no so pleasant to be around , at times :)
Yeah I know Dean dry drunkin it dry as granite is how I describe the condition.
I am addicted to that adrenaline pump I recognize that part of it another thing is I don't mind expressing myself in anger because its difficult to express myself through my mouth easy with my hands if that makes any sense ? I get jumbled up and confused when trying to talk things out and seems like especially with my girl she has a tendency to flip things on me which if I honestly take the time and understand what she's saying it all boils down to me being selfish and I hate to even admit that at times.
This has led me back to using many times in the past, these days I try to just get past it and whatever comes of it comes and will be another lesson, I hate to lose this gal she's got a heart of gold so I need to start making some EFFORT and not pop off like a pressure valve . She did say I had been getting better and I know I had been but this is like a emotional relapse feels like a set back but maybe its just another part of not letting go of old behaviors.
no problemo BigV. Hey try this. Next time your girl is running her routine on you, let her talk it out. Listen to what she has to say. And when she's done, smile and genuinely ask her if she feels better now. My wife and I have a rule, that we agreed upon when we began to live together some 14 years ago. Only one of us is allowed to be upset at one time. So if she's aggravated about something then I'll listen. If has nothing to do with me, I'll ask if there is anything that I can do for her, and usually the answer is no. So I let her have her space and I go and do my own thing.
BigV you probably grew up in a house, like I did, with parents fighting when you were a little kid. That's pretty scary. Well I realized that I don't handle other people's anger well so I have to use tools to avoid getting drawn up in it. You see, we learned, as a coping skill, to get angry ourselves as a defense against feeling scared of other peoples anger. Once you understand that you don't have to be afraid of their anger, then you don't have to cope with it and you can skip getting angry. Sounds easy and it does work. It's one of those "fake it till you make it" things. Try it.
Oh buddy Vin,if i can do it so can u !!! Write,write,write,,Im sure you have the time. I love this girl too much for me to be mad at her or or what she says. Dosent it say we need to replace love with anger ? Amd though anger is stupid,repetitive and repelling, love as we know is creative,intelligent and attractive. I hope the Force keeps you in love with your woman each day,, and also show you how to find new ways to express that love. My hope is that once having found true love,, we dont have to end that state of blis with our woninsane actions and words. Just for today I will give love a chance and also remmber that theres a time to be close and a time to be invisible !!!
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thanks everyone I figured I might get a butt chewing for bringing this all up again but I fell the love, thanks so so much you have given me hope and experience and more strength then I had before to work on this and to let somethings just go.
Big V, i have a wicked terrible temper...i guess maybe step 2 is working on me cause the difference lately is when i feel "that" feeling" i hear a little voice saying..."will this make it worse or better" and ya after hitting the brick wall about a thousand times i know i dont make good choices when i am in big anger, so i have to go for a walk, go talk to someone, ect. till i calm down into rational again. i wouldnt say i got it beat but progress is happening, and step 10 is easier (lots of practise now!..lol) luv ya buddy
working step 10 daily will help. right before you're about to get pissed, say to yourself- "and when we were wrong we promptly admitted it" 3 times. Then save yourself the trouble.
Its said that if a manager does his risk management well he will not have to do damage control,,and then if he has to do damage control then he did not take all risks into account. I think too,,like Dean,, seems like the maintainance of the Spiritual Condition will preempt madness and that in itself is contingent on believing on the "continousness" of the Personal Inventory. And yes,,funnily nuff,,as Galeon has shared,,walk,walk,walk is a great slogan for me.too. ive been walking a lot these three months and can see the difference in my reactions. I can always Step into a better frame of mind. Behaviourally speaking all I need to do is move away from anger. It been tried,tested and successful in my experience and now Im in a real relationship with J. My God,,shes an angry little cat at times,but I love the gal ! Shed be pretty boring and dull and lifeless if she wasnt a constant mind changing,suddenly confronting chick ! If she wasnt like that id probably never relish and treasure the tender,intimate,immensely friendly moments we share. ive learnt that its ok for her to say what she wants to say without me trying to interpret that etc. My need for sanity demands that i stay out of her insanity when she gets mad (the frequency has been drasticaly reduced),and then I know Im ready to enjoy her fully when she gets loving and caring and all again !!! hmmmmmmmm !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- Edited by Raman at 21:09, 2009-01-04
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I guess I have to admit here that my spiritual fitness is weak most of the time, I fight with that devil and angel on each shoulder but I keep trying to find something that works thanks for the suggestions I just need to come up with some tools and use them.
Remembering during these times that Love is the most important tool we have to use would help, patience and tolerance and sincerely caring for a person would keep one from popping off, I get VERY SELFISH at times don't even want to go into details on that so I have to start watching myself on that defect.
I have an angry little cat to Raman LOL high maintenance run way super model type, yeah sure look how innocent she looks, uhm hmmm.... NOT!!!
yo man yo,,hahaha !!! Vin u sure got humopur on your side. You remind me "Behind every defect is goodness" well i was in a near situation ths morning,, and by Gods Grace and Prescene of mind just walked away !! Thanks for a lovely day ever since.
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Yeah me too Raman I just woke up like 1/2 hour ago and here we go again LOL
Last few days lots of baggae coming out from my lady I sit and listen on the phone, last night i had to take the phone and put it down on the floor with intercom on and listen I had to get it away from my mouth HAH, on n on n on about her Ex who's giving her troubles.
So i sit and listen and keep my mouth piece shut, try to be supportive and suggest once again Cut ties cut ties, its hard they have a child together but she still has some rope to shorten. I guess in time this will happen just going to take time.
My Ma always had that humor side going on even when things got real bad guess I learnt that from her, its a safety valve from going all the way off and losing it, I use it too much as I can but then I take my Dads ways and just GO OFF, RAHHHHHHHHHHHH RAH RAHHHHHH like and angry lion
A powerful message that I found in my inbox today, courtesy another member, thought I could share it here with all of you, especially here on this thread as it is related to anger...
Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face. We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear. And these feelings may trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless.
Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders. We may try to get even, or we may manipulate behind peoples backs to gain a sense of power over the situation.
These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain.
Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening. We do not have to work so hard to avoid it. While hurt feelings arent as much fun as feeling happy, they are, still, just feelings. We can surrender to them, feel them. And go on. That does not mean we have to seek out hurt feelings or dwell unnecessarily on them. Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if theres something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life.
We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to get control over our feelings. We can begin sharing our hurt feelings with others. That brings relief and often healing to them and to us.
Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings.
Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones. Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
A very basic but seemingly effective inventory process=the A - B - C. A = antecedent to the incident,what was I thinking or saying before the angry outburts happened. What was my exact feeling ? B= in the actual moment what happened ? what was I tyhinking then ? C= what were the consequecnces ? how did incident leave me think and feeling ? We purposely ingnore anything at all about the other person except when it has a bearing on us. For example= A= I was thinking " what does she think of me?" B= I ask her what she is doing and she says "you are being aggressive" I say to her "look if you thiink I am being aggressive prove it.I havent said a bad wor, my voice is not loud and my body language didnt say anything aboyt me being aggressive. I think you its you being aggressive and covering it up with this slant". "No its your voice I mean"she says " Ya ? What can i do ? Have an operation to change my voice ? If you have a problem with my voice then its most probaby something to do with what you think of me " I say. "You said youd change no ?". I remeber her getting tender at that point. C= the consequence of that incident was that I felt bad and resentful to have even been in that position to get into that arguement. So finally that was me suffering.
In an NA context instead of being responsible and carruyng the recovery message,,i was the sufferin one and needed the message. There are no right or wrongs however,,all seems to be a learning process about my own favourite subject ME. Ha,ha ha !!
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
but I keep trying to find something that works thanks for the suggestions I just need to come up with some tools and use them. 
so I have to start watching myself on that defect.
