We show up to a meeting, beaten up broken down and spiritually DEAD! Some how, some way, god speaks through someone in that meeting and we hear just what we needed to hear to get us to the next meeting. Some are fortunate enough to get this right away. Others are not so lucky. For some of us it takes years of suffering before we hit bottom and find ourselves in this position. A day turns into 2, 2 days to 3, a week , 2weeks. Soon we start to feel a little beter. Next thing we know we're riddin that "pink cloud". Yea, we got the rose colored shades on, we're wakin up, and suddenly..... LIFE IS GOOD. Theres nothing wrong with this, for once in my life I needed to feel good about the direction my life was headed. I needed to Know what HOPE was. I needed a vacation from all the lies this disease had been fillling my head with for years. I needed this ONE LAST CHANCE! Unfortunately it dose'nt end here. For most of us that pink cloud starts turnin a little grey. It starts to sink a little, right along with that feeling in my gut. The lies start coming at me again, shame and guilt from the past, fear and uncertianty of the future. I start to withdraw into a facad of a shell. I really can't hide from any of it anyway. Depession hits! (Ya'll get the feeling I've been here before? Maybe a couple times?)LOL. Actually its not funny, When we are there its the real deal! Now here's the good news. THERE IS STILL HOPE! Its at this point that I have to reach out and grab the hands of the addicts in recovery. The ones who are reaching down into that hole trying to pull me out. I cant give up. I have to press forward. My LIFE depends upon it. I follow suggestions and tell myself tommarrow's got to be better! Maybe tommarrow isn't better but I keep telling myself it will be. Its the strength I need to get through the day. Eventually, If I do what I need to do to take care of myself, I reallize IT DID GET BETTER!!!! From here it's all ups and downs. But what I do to get through this down sets the stage for how I will handle the downs through out my recovery. Dont get me wrong nothing is written in stone. I will make mistakes along the way, hopfully I will learn from them. Hopefully one day my experiance will help, if not save the life of another addict seeking recovery. That is, without question, the greatest gift I could ever give back. So if you are new, If you can relate to what I've shared, please, DON"T LEAVE 5 MINUTES BEFORE THE MIRICLE HAPPENS.
Love ya, mean it
Addict named Jay
-- Edited by ANJ at 00:39, 2008-11-20
-- Edited by ANJ at 00:40, 2008-11-20
-- Edited by ANJ at 00:43, 2008-11-20
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It sure is eazier to get through the moment than it is to get through the aftermath.
Great share Jay. I'm sure that that's just about how it is for most of us. As we were told, and looking back now, most of that depression was our brain (and our disease) trying to kill us. Of course a lot of shame and guilt, fear of "the wreckage of the past" played into it. And we had some real problems to find solutions for, but there was this incredible room full of people that had amazingly all been through it and come out of it ok, even smiling about it. That's the part that didn't sense. Something must be wrong with these people, I mean, how could they be smiling and laughing about what was causing me so much pain? They had found out that, when you're living in today, in the moment, in the solution, with this group of people around you, it didn't matter anymore and we could surrender to a new way of living and thinking. A kinder and gentler way for ourselves and others.
I love being on the pink cloud I have been on it for about a week and 2 days now. I know that this too shall pass. I had went through the depression with my dislocated elbow was on a pity pot bad. I wouldn't change nothing but when the elbow started to get better I started to feel better. I started to enjoy life and when Iwent over my 1st step with my sponsor It got even better. I know this program works, but I have to work it each and every day. My sponsor shared her recovery approach to me. I asked how do you stay so damn peaceful all the time. She said I keep consistent with my meetings and do something different each and every day. I work the program every day. I was like wow I want that. She said even when I don't want to go to the meeting I do pretty good, but I still go no matter what.
Can I start a thread Depression in old recovery LOL
I got depression I just simply got it and thats ok my brains fried endorphens don't always runs at levels my brain needs so its physical illness too not just spiritual or emotional, thats one reason I loved cocaine so much VROOOMMMM .
So now i got to deal with it and it feels impossible sometimes and I end up acting out sometimes because of it, I have to keep myself in check physically then use spiritual principles to not act out on how I am feeling.
I get pink clouds but there pretty much only around for an hour or so LOL I guess I got some balance now but there are moments and there have been days when things sucked real bad I haven't had a lot of really good super elated days that ran in a row I have more days that are just that just another day not great but defiently not bad just calm and balanced.
I like it when my head is real quiet like i'm on prozac ut i'm not LOL no committee chatter, no negative B.S I like it when I wake up like this morning and for the last few mornings and my mind is clear and fresh understanding of things in my life come to me. This morning I woke up feeling free of some anger ( resentment ) last night and yesterday because now I can actually understand a few people in my life a little better and i feel compassion and love for them rather then hostilityand thats right where I like being.
Jay I feel like I have the right to expect certain things this attitude has always been since I was a child and maybe its still the child in me that hasn't matured that still expects certain things to go my way. Thats a set up for dissapointment and resentments and I usually will act out on those feelings and emotions.
I have a beef with a guy who stold something from me, well I loaned it to him and it dissapeared he says he promised to replace it months ago and I haven't gotten it back YET, last night I called him and left a real angry message then went to a chat board and layed some dirt out on the board on his sorry butt thought i'd be in a pink cloud over that LOL nope feel bad.
So when I act out it doesn't do anything but hurt me and turn my pink clouds to grey I hate that but insanity always repeats itself.
You seem to be a strong person and you have your head on straight. I'm fairly new to this program but, I have learned to not give up just before the miracle!! I want to thank you for posting that. It gave me a new hope because I have been going through a wicked depression.
When I walked into the NA classrooms in 1999 for the first time, diagnosed with medication-resistant depression and with my pdoc contemplating ECT on me as a last resort, a few of the members welcomed me after the meeting with hugs and invited me to join them for a tea. When I shared them about my depression, a couple of members smiled and told me "oh then you're in the right place with the right people, as depression is a normal state of mind for both of us. Now, we just let our depression be and have learnt to live with it, inspite of it." It did sound weird and unbelievable for me for a few minutes what they told then. But I must admit I felt at home talking with them as time went on, they shared how depression affected their lives, and how they are learning to deal with it, with the help of these meetings, the fellowship and the program. I was glad I met them and that they shared it all with me as I somehow wanted to meet them at the meetings whenever I felt disabled by my depression from then on...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
That's the part that didn't sense. Something must be wrong with these people, I mean, how could they be smiling and laughing about what was causing me so much pain? They had found out that, when you're living in today, in the moment, in the solution, with this group of people around you, it didn't matter anymore and we could surrender to a new way of living and thinking. A kinder and gentler way for ourselves and others.
I have more days that are just that just another day not great but defiently not bad just calm and balanced.
