I woke this morning from a strange dream not going into details but it was weird LOL but I also had some thoughts mostly gratitude I thought about where my life had been going just a few years back and where I could be today if something hadn't changed.
Next thought " what was the bottom line"?
Man I started making a list it wasn't just one thing in paritcular it was an accumulation of a LOT of things and i couldn't say that just one thing alone got me prepared to live a clean and sober life.
I rmember telling myself " you will NEVER EVER get past this obsession and compulsion to use, it's HOPELESS " that was a very scary time in my life I figured death would be a sure bet and the only way it would go for me.
I was wrong thank God I think just the little bit of faith I had in a higher power is what got me past that part , the hopelessness of my situation the relenetless trying and failing getting up and falling again and again and the having to get honest each time saying to myself YOUR JUST NOT READY TO BE DONE WITH IT YET.
That day doesn't always come for all of us addicts, sometimes its that last relapse that kills us and we don't make it back. I never thought a good friend of mine would use again but he did and he died that night, hearing about that just floored me and it hurt the guy was like my brother and I held onto him his spirit for a long time up until my last relapse then I decided it was time to let that pain go to along with a few other things I needed to let go of in order to remain clean.
I just know that some days I dont wake gracefully greatful but today was one of the days that I did because I am DAMN GLAD not to be where I could have been.
the evening of june 2nd 2008 . my oldest son was on run from cops. my third son was serving his time for 3rd DWI at 19 years old. On the 2nd my middle son called to say he had been kicked out of military for drug use. That was the moment of my bottom..i was just leaving for work so 8:59 pm june 2nd 2008.
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
my bottom this time was when i hsad a stroke trying to getr off the narcs by myself and the felling of dispair and guilt at the same time when the dr shot me with dilodid at the time i had my stroke and i pulled out i knew i was in trouble and i thank god daily for the people in the rooms the room itself and the people in this group even ytou vini and quit thinking you will hurt yourself (LMAO) call me later huh rocky
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some of us win some of us lose with god and this program i will be a winner
