"We never have to use again, no matter how we feel. All feelings will eventually pass."
Basic Text p. 79
It hurts like never before. You get out of bed after a sleepless night, talk to God, and still don't feel any better. "It will pass;' a little voice tells you. "When?" you wonder, as you pace and mutter and get on with your day.
You sob in your car and turn the radio all the way up so you can't hear your own thoughts. But you go straight to work, and don't even think about using drugs.
Your insides feel as though they've been torched. Just when the pain becomes unbearable, you go numb and silent. You go to a meeting and wish you were as happy as other members seem to be. But you don't relapse.
You cry some more and call your sponsor. You drive to a friend's house and don't even notice the beautiful scenery because your inner landscape is so bleak. You may not feel any better after visiting your friend-but at least you didn't visit the connection instead.
You listen to a Fifth Step. You share at a meeting. You look at the calendar and realize you've gotten through another day clean.
Then one day you wake up, look outside, and realize it's a beautiful day. The sun is shining. The sky is blue. You take a deep breath, smile again, and know that it really does pass.
Just for Today: No matter how I feel today, I'll go on with my recovery.
Well, little one," said a Tree to a Reed that was growing at its foot, "why do you not plant your feet deeply in the ground, and raise your head boldly in the air as I do?"
"I am contented with my lot," said the Reed. "I may not be so grand, but I think I am safer."
"Safe!" sneered the Tree. "Who shall pluck me up by the roots or bow my head to the ground?" But it soon had to repent of its boasting, for a hurricane arose which tore it up from its roots, and cast it a useless log on the ground, while the little Reed, bending to the force of the wind, soon stood upright again when the storm had passed over.
Excellent, meditation today big V. You know I felt some pain yesterday it didn't make me want to use not even a thought there. I felt, joy,sadness,happiness, a little lost also. I am losing a pastor that I was very close to he is retiring and he is the one who showed me NA told me about. I felt joy when I handed my six month chip and told him I can only keep what I have by giving it away. He was so honored and he saw and felt the pain I had in my heart for it. I am joyful he will spend more time with his wife, 2 wonderful kids and 3 wonderful grandchildren he has. I am saddened cause I will miss him, but I also know he is only one email away. He told me to continue doing what I am doing and to stay on the right track and I plan on it very much. This man was a helping part on my spiritual growth he helped me grow it. He gave me that foundation first and foremost. I want his humility is all that I know. He showed me love back in the beginning of November when I let the tears shed and he hugged me and loved more than I could love me at any time during my life.
Funny you passed that on Vini. Today Ive been thinking about posting a similar experiance, so I guess I will now.
Not to long ago, as I was coming out of the fog of another run ( prarefuly my last) feeling consumed with fear, anziety and spiritual death that words can hardly descibe (you know the kind). I found myself sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Some thing inside me egging me to get up, go out side and do something. I knew life was'nt getting any better on the couch so I decided to get up and rake the yard. You know, if the yard is clean nobody knows that the kitchen is a mess, lol. At least nobody but you (one of my favorite medifores). I knew I had to do something. Life was gonna go on with or without me, and if things where gonna get better I'd better get involved. Anyway, as I was raking I found one of those what would Jesus do type rubber braclets. I'd got them maybe a year ago for the kids. As I picked it up tears came to my eyes and the feeling in my gut was knawing at me. I was LOST and ALONE with only a spec of hope that life would ever get any better for me, coupled with the fear of the pain I was putting my 7 and 9 year old daughters through. At that moment I knew that I never wanted to forget that feeling, EVER. A feeling that was a result of nothing but using and the reallity that it would never leave if I countinued to use. I put the bracelet on as a reminder and have'nt taken it off since. Though the feelings didnt go away for some time, (several weeks) I continued to press on. Continued to go to meetings, call sponsor and follow suggestions. Today life IS better. And on days that arent so good I HAVE HOPE. Thanks ya'll for saving my butt!!!!
Addict named JAY
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It sure is eazier to get through the moment than it is to get through the aftermath.
Hey Jay, Thanks for sharing my experience! The last week of my using I cried out to God. I hurt so much I wished I were dead. I felt totally hopeless, useless, and lost. I prayed, "God, please don't ever let me forget how this feels, because I never want to feel this way again." A week later I moved into a recovery house, got clean, and never looked back. That was March 2003. Reading your post reminded me of that prayer and that God has honored it. Today I can remember EXACTLY how I felt during that last week of using. And I STILL never want to feel that way again! Thanks to God and NA, I never have to. Peace...
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
Nice sharings. yes again a dark day for me coping with shocks in my recovery. "laugh and the world laughs with you , cry and you cry alone" was an old proverb. That was meant for me . Im seeing the reality of that this day. So where do i stand ? Self-doubt.,self pity and such like disease feelings but also very rational fears that need to be addressed in my ongoing recovery. To ruminate on past experiences and then trying to go back in time and change things "as they should have been" is a favourite pastime of this addict,,albeit a recovering,clean one. Im only trying to assert myself in few situations without being pushy, loud.etc. God knows its a struggle but its well worth it. Im from a very hardy,well proven stock and I know God will tak me through this very weird situation safe,clean and serene.
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
" Stay away from ill-willed people" is another adagfe im going to follow in my daily living !!! Narcotics Anonymous has informed me that just for today,,I an addict,, need never evr use again,,,no matter what !!!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
