New to the board, not so new to to heartache of a mother

razzberry · Newbie

New to the board, not so new to to heartache of a mother

dan h · Senior Member

Hello, and welcome, razzberry. Glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances. You might find relief by contacting Nar-Anon, a fellowship for family members of addicts. There you can find support and learn some tools that may help you deal with your feelings about your son. Try www.nar-anon.org
Unfortunately, sometimes the only way to help an addict UP, is to help them DOWN first by letting them deal with the consequences of their choices and actions. As long as someone is there to help them escape those consequences, where is their incentive to change?

Thanks for your post and let us know how you are doing. Good luck, razz.

Tahir · Member

Greetings Razzberry,

I've found a lot of support personally here at this online forum to deal with my issues regarding the addiction of my loved ones. There are a lot of members here at this forum who have found a way of life, free of the despair that overwhelms and controls us when we see a loved one suffer from addiction. Try this Nar Anon Family, may you find the help and support that you need. Click the link below to enter this online support group...

http://www.naranon.com/forum/

-- Edited by Tahir at 01:46, 2008-11-09

Tahir · Member

Also, there is an information pamphlet in our program literature called "For Parents & Guardians of Young People in NA". I'm sure it would help you lots in understanding your son's addiction, and also give you the resources/information as to contribute towards your son's treatment/recovery when the right time for him to do so arrives. So, I request that you also read this piece of literature at the below link:

http://www.na.org/pdf/litfiles/us_english/IP/EN3127.pdf

Best wishes, blessings and prayers.

DeanC · Guru

razzberry wrote:

Anyone out there know the pain of a mother whose son has lost his way to drugs and alcohol? My son has been through the ip/op process, residential treatment, halfway house, meetings and more meetings. All by age 22. Now "he's on his own" - living with another addict in recovery but who has also relapsed. Every day is drama...every single day. How does the cycle stop? Will I enable forever?

Hello razzberry,

considering that childhood issues, that include interacting with parents and family, contribute greatly to the triggers that compel addicts to use, how could your involvement in his recovery be beneficial? he is an adult now (has been for awhile) and having his mother involved is probably a shameful experience.
That's how I felt when my mother, who was also recovering, was trying to "help" me. If you asked him if he'd rather you not be involved in his recovery, what do you think that answer would be? This statement should be a signal that it's time to step back and let him sink or swim on his own- "Every day is drama...every single day." check out the characteristics in this program, which is for people that have addicts in thier life. It could beneficial for both of you. smile

http://www.codependents.org/foundation-docs-patterns.php

ItsAllGolden · Senior Member

The best way to stop enabling...learn how to use that simple 1 syllable word, begins with N, ends with O...he's not gonna stop using you until he changes, and changes take place over time with a lot of work. If he's putting in the effort to change than stay hopeful and don't let him use you as a doormat. Stand up for yourself, tell him you love him and nothing could change that, but NO you can't help, or NO you don't have this or that to give him.

Recovery is a process for recovering addicts, and sometimes we take away the drugs thinking they were our problem, and we end up feeling foolish, because WE are the problem. We have this disease that distorts our thinking, makes us think in an abnormal way. We can still use people, places and things while staying clean. I know many stories of people stealing, using other people, abusing people, lying, cheating, etc. etc. all while not using drugs.

There's also this concept of loving from a distance. There have been several addicts in my life that I love and really want to help, but their self-destructive behavior prevents me from being a direct part of their lives. I have to love them from a distance and not become involved in their tangled up messes of lives...because when it comes to my recovey versus someone's disease, the disease will win, everytime.

Tahir · Member

ItsAllGolden wrote:
Recovery is a process for recovering addicts, and sometimes we take away the drugs thinking they were our problem, and we end up feeling foolish, because WE are the problem. We have this disease that distorts our thinking, makes us think in an abnormal way. We can still use people, places and things while staying clean.

Spot on!

razzberry · Newbie

Golden, your words speak to my heart, and I KNOW you are right. I am working very hard to learn to say NO. And although my son is not using drugs and alcohol, he does use others and won't take responsibility for his actions. I am going to tap into some of the resources that have been mentioned on this site and begin to look into myself and how I can learn to let go. Thank you for opening my eyes with blunt truth.

ItsAllGolden · Senior Member

That's the best first step, to recognize that there's a problem and find a way to help. The twelve steps can be applied to a vast array of problems, which is why there are so many different types of 12 step groups geared to help different problems.

My husband was explaining the premise of the twelve steps to a buddy of his that had no clue what their purpose was, not an addict, just an every day guy living his life. After he heard the different steps and got a summary of what happens with them he looked at my husband and said, "Wow, I could use something like that!"

A friend of mine with 21 years in this fellowship says you can't solve the problem unless you first identify it. That's usually the hard part since a lot of the time we are contrtibutors to our own problems, and denial can warp us into thinking it's someone else or something else's fault.

Good luck Razz, hope you take that first step.

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