I just discovered this forum, so I thought it would be a good place to start. Start, that is, since I'm on day 2 of being clean after being on opiates for about 4 years. I've lost so much...thousands and thousands of dollars, my self-esteem, my trust with my husband. (He had no idea)
Yesterday I made the decision to come "clean" with him. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, and I was sure he was going to walk out the door...it scared the crap out of me. I'm proud of the fact that I confronted him with a full "stash" even though it eventually went down the toilet. It didn't take me getting caught, I just knew that I was out of control. I spent the entire day either thinking about the drugs, taking them, wondering where I was going to get more money....ridiculous.
Anyway, I feel like absolute hell, and I know it's going to get worse. Should I try to find a meeting while I'm like this, or wait until "it's out of my system." I can't imagine sitting still or concentrating at this point, but it might help? I'm not sure.
I'm humiliated, scared, and sick as hell, and I guess I'm wondering what to do next. It's horrible...I honestly want to stop, but I feel so awful right now, all I think about is what a mistake it was to talk to my husband yesterday. I keep thinking about the pills going down the toilet. Is that normal...does that mean I'm going to fail? That worries me a lot...I feel so desperate and scared that I'm not going to be able to do it.
Anyway, thanks in advance for any insights you can give me. I know I need to find a meeting....I guess I'm just scared to go, and I don't know the right time.
Thanks for sharing with us Jen, glad you found this wonderful forum that has been a regular support system for my recovery for sometime now. Keep coming back and keep sharing with us. That's how it worked for me. Going to a local face-to-face meeting in your locality isn't such a bad idea even if we feel uncomfortable about it. Believe me, I did the same. Just went there whether I liked it or not. I allowed myself to be in the flow and process of hope and recovery, sometimes, against my will, and overtime, it worked. I started developing a sense of belonging, and in a few weeks, I felt as if I've come home, at long last, at these meetings.
Congrats on the miraculous 2 days clean, keep the miracle alive. One affirmation that helped me when I was struggling to stay stopped in my early days clean was something that an oldtimer in AA told me, "Don't use no matter what, come hell or high water, until you hit the bed tonight Just For Today." I realized that I don't have to stay clean forever. I just had to stay clean for 24 hours. Then I can always make a fresh decision the next morning. This seemed more simpler to do for me, still does
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I'm going thru the same thing. U should go.to a detox with a dr. I'm on day 2 so I know its hEll but we did the right thing for our health and our mind
Congratulations on your decision. You might want to check out a detox and maybe a rehab. I know in my meetings they say "If you are high right now ... welcome you are in the right place." I was just told by someone that he remembers my first meeting. I was a trembling mess. All you have to do is raise your hand introduce yourself and say you are new to the program. This will give you a good start.
Keep us updated and let us know if there are any questions.
I was at meetings while kicking, and it was my choice...well, I didn't have the option to go to detox, but if I had, then I would have said No (or hell no) I'm sure. One bit of knowledge I got from a friend early on was to stay hydrated. Drink lots of water and Gaterade (replenish those electrolytes), rest often, take vitamins (especially if you're unable to eat properly), cry as much as needed (being hydrated helps that), go to meetings, and just don't pick up...the rest will come.
It hurts to go through that withdraw. It's going to hurt for a while, especially if you're on day 3 (hopefully) now. BUT it is not going to be forever. It may seem like forever, but it will pass. Hang in there and don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle, because there will be miracles...having 1 day free from using is a miracle. Having two days clean is two miracles right in a row!!
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
It gets better from the 4th day evening onwards, and you will wake up feeling more better on the 5th and 6th day morning, by a week, you'll be back to normal physical condition. Then on, it's all about the mental obsession part, not physical discomfort or craving. Just my experiences with having gone through withdrawals/cold turks over countless number of times
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Update..I'm still going strong, but I honestly have never been through such sheer hell in my life. (Including childbirth) Honest to goodness pain would be more tolerable than this crap. I haven't slept more than 1 hour over the last two days, and that makes it just that much worse. I fall asleep, but my legs will wake me up within 5 minutes. I think I've taken 10 hot baths over the last couple of days. (BTW, that REALLY helps) I look like a lobster. Hoping I'll feel better over the next couple of days so I can start finding meetings...no way in hell I'm getting behind the wheel of a car right now.
Good news...my husband has been great...taking over the kids and day to day stuff while I'm writhing in pain...etc. I'm blessed to have him, and it makes me more determined.
Thanks for the kind responses...I really appreciate hearing from people who can relate.
HANG IN THERE JEN, you need never go through it again. huge hugs to ya
im an addict named anthony
Thanks...today I feel a lot better. I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel although sleeping is still difficult. At least I can sit in a chair for 5 minutes. :) I'm looking forward to moving on with my life.
I had problems sleeping all night for the first couple months, but it eventually went back to normal.
Perhaps someone can enlighten me to whether or not this is true: I once heard that the reason opiate withdraw hurts so much is due to all the cells in the body being physically addicted to the drug and in order for the physical dependency to go away the cells need to regenerate. So essentially, all the cells must replace themselves....I've only ever heard that once, but when I heard it I was like, WHOA...LOL.
Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better Jen. Meetings will definately be a positive step in figuring out to move forward with your life. Keep coming back~!
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
Not quite right. The cells don't regenerate. Its about tiny receptors on nerve cells that when stimulated your brain interprets it as pain. Mu receptors, etc., that pain transmitters stimulate are the ones opiates, and synthetic opiates, cover or lock on to so your mind doesn't say, "Hey, that's pain...".
You take away the opiates and its kinda like a rug burn. Everything is exposed and raw.
There is also the way your body builds up the type of compounds that break down opiates, remember you have to keep taking them regularly for a reason, so that the chemical-molecules that are the opiates get broken down into nothing, metabolites, stuff your body passes out as wastes. Interestingly some people who have severe reactions to morphine are reacting to those metabolites not the actual opiate and so they can't take morphine but they can take diluadid or Oxycontin, etc.
So you have compounds that break all of the chemicals-molecules that lock on to those pain receptors. You stop taking opiates you still have TONS of those type of chemicals. So ANY type of compound, natural endorphins-etc., that may give you some pain relief, THOSE are also totally broken down and do very little and what they do, do it for a short period of time.
Think of that process as a brake pedal and gas pedal. The opiates are a brake pedal. Your body's response is like a gas pedal. You keep pushing down the brake pedal, your body responds by making more and more of its natural chemicals and pushes down the gas pedal. You remove the brake pedal, as in stop taking the opiates, your body's gas pedal is still pushed down.
It takes some time for all that to balance itself out. That is part of the deal with PAWS and the way we feel for several months, can be problem with sleeping, and it part of why coming off heroin, opiates, etc., folks feel MORE pain not less. But that goes away over time.
Pain relief is actually a pretty neat thing and the physiology and pharmacology-physiology of it is a great way to understand the how and what happens of addiction in general.
There is a guy, MD type, who is really big into the brain chemistry of the thing and his name is Dr. Amen. Yes, that's his name. Search on it and find his web site. He is doing some great work. He's the guy who is big on feeding the brain "good" stuff like Fish Oil, Vit B complexes, etc.
quiting opiates cold turkey is dangerous i had a stroke and other complications you might want to get some help with this thing they can help control the cravings and the pain i know it is hell from personal experience and my prayers are with you it is a tough road but when you recover your sanity it is worth it
rocky
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some of us win some of us lose with god and this program i will be a winner
