I had a few short releapses. Then I dranked a beer with dinner. The demon did not come out like yall said it would. I was like "shit, I am not an addict" Then the downward spiral began. The wife and I communicate more over a bottle of wine that we do in a month. I found out my dad is in stage 4 cancer and it has been a free for all. I accept I have no control but it hurts and the only time I can let the pain out is lubricrated. I am don't know what to do except go back to meetings I am sitting in a hotel room with a minibar in denmark and it is kicking my ass.
I spent 2 years trying to get clean and sober. I was going to meetings weekly (and weakly), not using a sponsor, not taking the steps, not engaging in the fellowship (making friends with people in the program and hanging with them between meetings). Needless to say, it was a half hearted effort on my part. I was trying to live a dual life. Go to meetings and keep my old friends and somehow not use (insanity). I finally got to the end of all my ropes and acquired the Gifts of desparation and willingness. I decided that I would do all those things that were suggested to me in meetings, to get clean, like going to 90 meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor. I began forcing my self to meet at least two people a day at meetings and get phone numbers. Before I knew it I had 3 months, then 6,9, and a year. It was 3.5 years before I went a day without going to a meeting. I had, in the past, used every day, so why couldn't I make a 1 hour meeting each day? It take's 100% dedication (one day at a time) to "get it". But once you get it, it's a lot easier to stay clean, through working the program, then it is to get clean.
Get back in the program and fight (surrender) for your recovery. Raise your hand and ask for help, and a sponsor. Then do whatever is suggested. There is a whole new world waiting for you in recovery and it's better than you could ever imagine, it just takes some time to make that transformation from the negative to the positive. For me, it was somewhere around 6 months clean. I'd completed my 4th and 5th steps and I felt like I was walking 3 feet off the ground and a 100 lbs lighter. It was that feeling that I was always looking for when I used but never quite got. Warm and fuzzy, everything looked brighter. I could enjoy the birds chirping in the morning, smell the smells of the seasons and bread baking. People were smiling at me and I was smiling back. Everything was new again like I was experiencing it for the first time, without fear. I was living in the moment, one day at a time. And you can too.
This program is about taking suggestions.... remove yourself from the hotel room with the bar for one......remember change people, places and things. I often need people to give it to me bluntly.......stop making excuses. I know from experience that not until i was ready was i able to stop and get some help. And thats something that only you know. Life gets better, but we do have to show up for it and start doing some work.
BTW, I so need a sponsor. I have seen the step work. I want to work them. I stayed clean 18 months by going to meetings everyday; 5 minutes late and leaving as soon as they are over. Social anxiety is my mental illness but the meds the put me on for it send me down that path.
Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues;
Seriously,I eaither try to deal with my problems through the steps. Or I try the medical approach. Or a hybrid.
Howevever, my other mental illness makes it so hard to get help from NA the normal way.
Jason make it your primary purpose to find a sponsor in a meeting find someone you have listened to and like who has some recovery just walk up and ask him to help you work the program simple as that LOL it is complicated I went through it tonight I have a guy picked out just cant ask LOL he's a great guy and I love his sharing and his bright happy spirit he's always smiling and nice to everyone, he is in service also and very active in the groups and has a GREAT message but I have fears too that I let keep me from asking for help but I will ask next time I see him.
We gain courage by these little steps we take and then we find out we had nothing to fear except what we were saying to ourselves in our own heads just shut that crap off I know easier said then done . Letting go of excuses helps too and reservations those kill us and take us back out there to active using, get rid of the reservations and the journey is much smoooother.
we probably all have s.a.d. Hell that's why we drank and/or drugged in the first place. It's something that can be overcome. I find it hard to believe that you can do business travel out of the country with a severe case of s.a.d. Let me rephrase that. If you can do business travel out of the country, then I believe that you could overcome s.a.d. without medication. The program is all about bringing about a change in ourselves such that we will not feel the need to use. That mean's dealing with life on life's terms. I was one of those people that was "too smart" for the program and relapsed steadily for 2 years while trying to get it. It wasn't till I made my recovery my #1,2,and 3 priority and took all the suggestions that I heard, that I got and stayed clean and sober. If you're in the business world, then you know all about writing goals. This is no different. Take out a piece of paper and start writing your goals for your recovery based on the ALL the suggestions that you've heard during that 18 month period, and then execute your goals. This is duplication at it's finest.
Hi Jason, good to hear from you again bro, long time. I could relate with the social anxiety diagnosis as I also had a chronic issue in this area, still do at times. And yes, the Steps do help me a lot to heal and recover from this mental health issue too. There is hope. I thought there wasn't till almost a year back until the miracle happened, and I started overcoming my social phobia with the help of the program.
If you haven't yet tried working the Steps with the help of a Sponsor, I suggest that you do right away, maybe this is exactly what your Higher Power wants for you to pick up, at this point in your life. It was exactly so for me after my last relapse. As a result, I started making Steps the core of my program. It does get better. There are online Sponsors available. If you are interested, I am willing to even suggest a few of them whom I know personally. You can email me at polartorch@yahoo.co.in if you need help finding an online Sponsor. But nothing like getting a face-to-face sponsor if possible.
Prayers and Hugs, Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Jason it is so good to hear from you hun I am struggling too the great thing is all we need is the desire to stay clean and the H.O.W. says we can't go wrong with those it is so nice to see the old ppl here thatI remember when MIP became family Keep Coming Back!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
