I haven't been posting much so i thought id just give an update.
I have 140 days clean today, It has been a ride . Not a great one at times . Not a bad one at other times. I'm continuing meetings Two a day on most days. I'm working on a first step though i must admit i'm dragging my ass on it. That brings little consternation from my sponsor And if i get an inch ill yank a mile. Can you imagine ?
I'm reaching a point where members in my area are gently hinting that service to NA may be in my future. That's a sticking point for me. Because of my past with NA , I still feel very unsure of myself and wholly untrustable as a viable trusted servant. Ive gotta work on that.
Job situation , no change . I'm pulling enough on unemployment to make the bills and continually praying that something comes my way that " fits ".
All in all i think things are going on track, striving each day to move forward and grateful for this last shot opportunity to get my shit together.
That's about it for today. my ADD is kicking in. My mind seems to be forsaking me. A million voices in my head, every damn one of them lying.
Your friend , Anthony G
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
Congrats on over 4 months. It must feel good each morning and most days could be considered good? Keep hanging in, it will all look way different (read better) down the road. I heard early on, that recovery was like climbing a big mountain. It takes awhile to get up high enough to start seeing a view. All of the sudden the view is wonderful, and we stop to admire it. If we stop too long the view gets old and there is a risk of losing our footing and sliding back down. We must constantly continue to climb, and the view keeps getting better and better.
I'm reaching a point where members in my area are gently hinting that service to NA may be in my future. That's a sticking point for me. Because of my past with NA , I still feel very unsure of myself and wholly untrustable as a viable trusted servant. Ive gotta work on that.
Theres nothing to work on just DO IT let me tell you the feeling of helping other addicts get and stay clean is what this is about ( in my opinion ) for most of us, without realizing this ( and I did for many years ) concept you wont reap the full benefit of recovery.
I have to say that I have had times when nothing and I mean nothing seemed to matter only that Vini should feel good should feel better then he does, no matter how much I have no matter how good things are going being clean didn't mean squat , I WAS SUFFERING INSIDE FROM SELF.
Just to share a little something with you Anthony , just before I relapsed after having over 5 years clean I got 2 loud HOLLERING things told to me by my higher power both of which I ignored.
#1 GET YOUR ASS TO NA
#2 GET INTO SERVICE
We have got to give back whats been freely given to us. I demand ( as one of your spirtual advisers from God ) it from you Anthony because some of what you have I gave to you and I want that passed on to the next person who needs help, you have much to give brother regardless of how you might feel about that you have a treasuer trove of experience and if nothing else your clean today and you can give that hope to another person DYING from addiction.
I had just been thinking and wondering about you yesterday and am glad to see this post here today. Work the step and then get on with the next step and get the work done because those steps build a new man and help you find the man you are under all the junk and bring out the good within thats been buried over for years.
Things come to us all as we depending on our readyness thats how I works for me, higher power only gives us what we can handle .
I will be running a mens meeting soon I hope, the one I have been going to for over 2 years now and opening is available I just have to go through some process first and show up to a business meeting or something, I cant wait we get lots of newcomers in that meeting it's a small step becuase what i really want to do is get back to prison but from a service side this time.
Congratulations Anthony on each day clean and try some magnesium for those voices it will quiet them down
let me tell you the feeling of helping other addicts get and stay clean is what this is about ( in my opinion ) for most of us, without realizing this ( and I did for many years ) concept you wont reap the full benefit of recovery.
) it from you Anthony because some of what you have I gave to you and I want that passed on to the next person who needs help, you have much to give brother regardless of how you might feel about that you have a treasuer trove of experience and if nothing else your clean today and you can give that hope to another person DYING from addiction.
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