Hey guys, addict named jay. Got a chance to share tonight about surrender. It got me thinkin about that faitful night when I made the desicion to use after 8 years clean. I stuggled for 10 years just to get to the start of that 8. I was a broken shell of a humanbeing when I finialy surrendered to this program in Oct of 97. I remember very vividly a feeling of extreme peace one night at about 2 years clean. I was sitting in MY recliner in MY OWN HOUSE. (2 years prior to this all I had was the cloths on my back and a beat-up 87 Toyota Tercel, hell it ran, to me it was "A good car". Truth is if anyone else would have wanted it, I'd have gave it up for dope too. Guess I was lucky to have "A Good car".) Anyway, that night sitting in my recliner I realized that in 2 short years I had aquired everything that I ever wanted in life. A wife, a house, 1 of 2 children, 2 vehicles in the drive (with no dents) and most importantly some self respect and self worth. Little did I know that it would'nt be enough. With in the next few years I started looking for other stuff to fill that hole that had some how opened back up again- credit cards, new furniture, nicer vehicles, my own bussiness ect. some of ya'll know the drill. That hole just kept gettin bigger and bigger because I'd stopped putting the right stuff in it. Mainly steps and service. Well, to get to the point I eventualy found myself one night (after 8 years clean, 6 from cigaretes) standing in a convenient store about to buy a pack of smokes. I had already decided to use. Thats what the smokes were for. Here's kicker. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I bought that pack of smokes I would be a smoker again. There was no tellin when, or if ever, I'd quit again. I knew that, but I managed to convince myself, or believe "THE LIE", that I was gonna go to the dope hole and get "JUST ONE". Go figure! Well here I sit 3 years later with 2 weeks clean still smoking these damb cigaretes.
If I've learned anything from this it is - It is a whole lot eazier to get through the moment than it is to get through the aftermath
Hope this post was'nt too long. Hope to stick around and make some friends
__________________
It sure is eazier to get through the moment than it is to get through the aftermath.
Thanks for posting that. I relate to the process with cigarettes. I picked them up after having quit for 8 years. At that time, I lived in a location where I could purchase an individual cigarette and match from a street vendor. I woke up that morning and took a bus all the way into the city to do just that: purchase a single cig and match. (I believed the lie, too.) Well, needless to say, I immediately bought two of each, sat on the plaza and smoked them both even though I wanted to gag. I literally forced myself to smoke them, and the race was on.
I've since quit again (it took 6 more years) and it was a whole lot harder the second time. It becomes a very sick process: trying to quit, then justifying not quitting - over and over and over again.
I'm fortunate and grateful that I've not had that experience with any other drug. The cigarettes were bad enough.
thanks ANJ for keeping me clean and sober today. I "came in" in '87 but floundered for 2 years while going to meetings regularly. I couldn't get past 3 months. I was very fortunate that the AA club that I attended also had Acoa, and Codependents Anon meetings and I started attended them along with AA/NA. I read several books by John Bradshaw (all of them) and a few by Claudia Black. I found that the issues in those programs were causing me to sabotage my success in staying clean and sober.
Bottom line is that we have to uproot our old way of thinking and replace that "Hole" with spirituality and faith in our HP. Thanks for sharing, I've been feeling a bit materialistic lately and I needed to hear that.
Jay it was good to see you in the meeting last night and great that your sharing here also.
Like myself i was led here right here to get my recovery restarted after a relapse and had had over 5 years clean but Iwasn't very sober minded.
I didnt get through that moment very well and decided to use BUT luckily I was able to stop before it got out of control even worse and that was only because I got some help right away and did what another person told me to do.
I then realized I had a another choice to make I know myself and my addiction REAL WELL by now i have been struggling to get clean since I was 22 years old I am 47 now. I knew that if I beat myself up over the relapse that the only thing that would come from that was failure, somehow i had to rise above that mind set and It was then that I grabbed ahold of this program and used it for my lifes sake.
I pictured in my head falling deep into a pit I saw myself down there in the bottom once again, been there done that and i had to choose to live. I got up put on my special climbing boots strapped them on TIGHT and started climbing back out of that hole.
It was a struggle but I knew once I got out of that pit that relief was in store for me and I would be alive I would be stronger and I would be more diligent in not falling into that pit again, and that is where I am today 2-1/2 years later .
I always say YES look back at the relapse but find what was missing as you are doing thats great Jay and dont bother with the rest forget time toss it aside and work on today, yesterday is gone tomorrow is a dream today is all we have.
Your doing fine my friend WELCOME BACK We Love you
Thanks for sharing your journey ANJ, and congrats on 2 weeks (must be 3 weeks + now) of clean life, what a blessing and a miracle it is and as for smoking, well, no comments (easy to figure out why lol...)
How's it going ANJ? Fellowship hugs and love.
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.