This is all new to me but I recognize that I need help. I;m not sure where I belong. I am 50 and gave up an eating disorder 2 years ago after 35 years.Worked hard and feel proud. But now I find I get fits of rage and I take a benzo or sleep aid to calm down and I turn into a raving suicidal ragaholic and I have total blackouts for days. My doctor thinks its bipolar and it does run in my family. I myself run a very large busy family practice and I have 5 kids and I am really scared for this to get out. I do not crave drugs when all is well but as soon as th stress hits or I don;t get my way.....I LOVE the drugs. Am I an addict? Where would I even start to deal with this as I live in a very small town......I am Catholic and my faith is everything to me so I am really lucky for that but I know God is pushing me to get more help.......I hate alcohol and cigarettes and look the picture of health....but underneath it really feels as if I am posessed.....appreciate any help
you know we all suffer for emotional stress, fear, anger.... and the feeling of low self esteem/self worth. that's what sets us up for mood altering substances. Recovery is learning about how to defuse this bomb that is our mind. Reading the literature and working the steps helps us to find out about what makes tic tic tic. The program gives us tools to use to defuse the situations that baffle us, helping us to realize that there are no big deals, except for picking up a drug. We figure out that drugs are part of the problem because they rob our bodies of their natural ability to relive stress setting us up for an addiction that gets deeper and deeper. It takes awhile to unlearn the automatic behaviors that cause ourselves the stress thru our dysfunctional reactions to everyday occurances. After awhile we get better at it. You'd be surprised at what goal setting can do. For example setting a goal not to yell anymore because it makes me feel bad and is terrible for my health. The benefits to those other people are fringe. This is a selfish program and I'm trying to save my own ass here. Hope this makes sense and welcome to our board. Please stay as long as you like and please ask lots of questions.
I used to live in MONTREAL! Had a baby up there too! I am proud of what you did with your eating disorder too! You and me both with the sleeping issues YIKES! I dont take anything anymore but I so relate! BIPOLAR runs in my family too! I have 3 grown kids now...so you beat me....you said you have 5 eh?
I am happy you have such a strong FAITH IN GOD! ME TOO! MAYBE it was GOD THAT LED YOU HERE TO SHARE OPEN and HONESTLY! I HATE BOOZE TOO! I DIDNT LOVE DRUGS...WHAT I LOVED WAS WHAT DRUGS DID...It covered up my pain from childhood!
No one can call you an addict but you. IS THERE ANY NA MEETINGS where you are?
I KNOW EVERYNIGHT @ 10 pm there is an NA MEETING ON HERE if you live too far from one.
I am going to a meeting tonight where I am a trusted servant its called a GSR GENERAL SERVICE REPRESENTIVE and I actually bought products for my group online. LIKE NA BOOKS, key tags etc...Its so good you came here. I will be your online friend!
Hi Dean....Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and real wisdom. Tonight I made a promise to myself that I will not yell anymore. I do not have any idea how that will play out but I will make a concious concerted effort. And I have to get to a meeting....YIKES!!!!!!
Hi HoneyBear....thank you for your caring response.....I have committed to myself and my children that I will never use again but I do not know what I will do witht the stress and anger that I cannot control....that will be where my work will be....Thank You
Hi HoneyBear....thank you for your caring response.....I have committed to myself and my children that I will never use again but I do not know what I will do witht the stress and anger that I cannot control....that will be where my work will be....Thank You
Issy, the things that bother us the most are the things that we really have no control over (people, places, and things), but we try so hard anyway and when it doesn't go our way, we make ourselves angry. That's the part that we need to own, that nobody but us makes us angry. It's very empowering to own our feelings. Then we know that there is something that we can do about it. Most of this program is about identifying what is our issues and letting the rest go. What we usually find is that our efforts to control the people and stuff around us provides a distraction from taking care of ourselves and our issues. Hence the serenity prayer, which most of us said many times in early recovery, when things aren't going our way (or our perception is that they are not). copy this and try saying it when you feel some anger or fear coming on. It works.
My sponsor and I were just talking about me and my unamangeability with my emotions. I get upset and I have to scream yell, and have a temper tantrum as she calls it. I want it to go my way and I want to control something. She says I have to surrender this over to my HP. (Higher Power). I am working on that right now cause I called her one night and left a message with me cursing in it at that time and she said I should never do that again or I will be dropped like a hot potatoe and I laugh cause she always tells me this.
Just checking in and had a really great day by getting to a good psychiatrist and finally getting the diagnosis of Bipolar Type 2....makes a lot of sense to me now. For me it is a real irritability which can maybe be helped with understanding and accountability and managing my life. With bipolar I have so much energy I see 50 patients a day, then home and clean and cook for family of 7 and attend to my mother and my friends and family and my church and always feel I have to look happy and healthy and laughing(I do LOVE to laugh...especially at myself) but I am going to literally kill myself if I keep going......SLOWING down will be really hard for me and saying no will be almost impossible but I am starting today and I will not raise my voice either.......today......Thank You all so much for your input and I'll keep checking in and keep you all in my prayers too.......they do get answered......Issy
After a lifetime of strange feelings, one pill dr told me that if I had racing thoughts..at all...in the middle of the night, then I was bi polar too. I guess other factors contibuted to his view, including my 38 years of smoking pot everyday. I fought that diagnosis tooth and nail, believing depression was the root cause of problems. My therapist told me I wasn't bp... BUT that if the medicine prescribed (seroquil) helped me why not keep taking it? Besides he said it was also given to deal with depression. So I took the pills and ignored the stigmatisim associated with the diagnosis. It has really helped.
About the same time my wife of 25 years dumped me, and I hit my bottom. I had quit using for her, and was left thinking what do I do now? At that moment I surrendered...to my past, my addiction, to my powerlessness, to the unmanageablity of my life. The first step FINALLY made sense to me, and my healing could begin. ( I was so worried that I'd drift forever in the shadow of her leaving me)
Just checking in and had a really great day by getting to a good psychiatrist and finally getting the diagnosis of Bipolar Type 2....makes a lot of sense to me now. For me it is a real irritability which can maybe be helped with understanding and accountability and managing my life. With bipolar I have so much energy I see 50 patients a day, then home and clean and cook for family of 7 and attend to my mother and my friends and family and my church and always feel I have to look happy and healthy and laughing(I do LOVE to laugh...especially at myself) but I am going to literally kill myself if I keep going......SLOWING down will be really hard for me and saying no will be almost impossible but I am starting today and I will not raise my voice either.......today......Thank You all so much for your input and I'll keep checking in and keep you all in my prayers too.......they do get answered......Issy
I was actually very very proud of my husband the other night in our home group.
He is going for his MASTERS in ALCO/Drug couns/ He said NA is his foundation but he had messed his BRAIN chemistry up by smoking crack and he too is seeing a doc something up to 7 months ago he would never of put 2 and 2 together. NA gives him the tools..the steps....his sponsors..the telephone numbers...
His doctor helps in other areas.....and he went to counsling too..He has actually took a very serious look at his using and I for one am very proud of him!
Hi HoneyBear.....I am really trying to face the truth of my life and sort through what I must change and what I must accept and what I must let go and learn gratitude for all that God has given me......I am so remorseful right now for what I am learning I have done to hurt my children when I was only thinking of my own pain....they are happy and relieved to be talking about it but I am scared that one pill could lead to such a period of terror . I will never do it again especially now that I know the truth about what it can do but I have to own up to the weakness in me that let me do it whether I was totally manic or not......complicated shit and yet so simple......Issy
Hey....and wow for your husband....he sounds like he is awesome and really working his program....I'll keep you both in my prayers.....
Thank you and I will pray for you too but YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD and he will pull you through it too whatever it maybe....
Please remember what time of year it is ok.....and DO NOT beat yourself up! That is the evil one trying to get you back in his grasp. Everytime you have negative thoughts right there right then put a stop sign in your head and turn it OVER TO YOUR HIGHER POWER. You may have to do it 1 x during the day or 500 x BUT YOU DEAR SWEET woman are in control not NOT the evil one now that you are living a clean life one day at a time!
