I was afraid of everything. I didnt get on an airplane for 21 years. I didnt leave my house for like 2 years (aughoraphobia) My world just kept getting smaller and smaller.

Well in the past 2 years I have been to LA 2x NJ 2 x Tenn 1 x They say in the rooms your as sick as your secrets. I shared and didnt give anymore power to my FEARS. I replaced FAITH where my fears used to live.

I have a great home group. Great sponsor. Working my steps too. Its a great day being Clean instead of trying to get clean.

One of the things I am learning is about this analyzing emotions thing can not be healthy. That its okay to just admit, "I'm afraid" and NOT look for reasons, explanations, etc., to justify that feeling's existence. Assuming we're not talking about being afraid cause a 100 pound Doberman Pincher is charging towards me.

Not saying we should not look under, behind, through, learn, have insight about our emotions.

Its just that the process of not accepting how we feel unless we can find a good reason to justify the emotion is part of how we stay in this perpetual guilt cycle.

When I can't find a reason that is "good enough" for me to internally agree its okay to feel what I feel, then I feel broken, guilty, etc., as I "shouldn't" be having this feeling cause there is no good reason. However I AM having the feeling. So I'm bad at some level, broken at some level.

Not sure if that makes any sense.

Today I dredged in the deepest water I have dredged in yet it was about 10 feet, I found the spot last weekend and have been to it twice in the last week and today I got the unowhats up to go down and get started. All this week I have been cringing at the thought of going down there #1 reason is the water rises FAST when it gets realeased from upstream and theres a water fall not 20 feet from where I will be dredging. #2 there are some HUGE boulders up the bank just 10 feet from where I will be dredging and there are ENORMOUS boulders further up the bank, 2 storys high that tilt towards the river LOL.

I am serious about this I have wanted to cry over this LOL not kidding its freaken scary IF I let my  mind tell me it is though something could happen but its likely not to , I do have to be very careful I only dredge for 1/2 hour today because I didnt have anyone with me Yes I was all alone and I need someone there if I am going to spend any length of time down under so I just did it to break myself in on the idea.

I ask myself WHY am I doing this is it for the gold, is it the adventure , is it an obsession ?

I would say yes to all of them but I feel like theres something I am not seeing in all of this no I am not a thrill seeker its just that this is what we do, some of us who love to dredge love getting under water , its a whole different world down there its very quiet and peaceful down there Plus  this is probably a spot with a lot of gold and this is the length that I will go to get it just like i'll go to any lengths for my recovery when need be.


Fear is an obstical but it can also tells us DANGER I think thats normal but the fear we have is not having CONTROL at least for me if I dont have control I run, fight or flight.



Face Everything And Recover

I like that one Raman thanks for sharing that 


I was very very afraid when I too my first hit of weed that was the first drug I used, guess i've always been a big sissy boy chicken BOK BOK 

yes, you make sense. thank you.