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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> Lighting up the Path
Post Info TOPIC: Lighting up the Path
kitizzy


Senior Member

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Posts: 131
Date:
Lighting up the Path
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My name is Kathleen and I am a grateful recovering addict.

I love this board because there are some very wise men and women that are working

programs that shed light on my path to recovery.

I was fortunate that before God showed me my addiction, he showed me some of my other weaknesses first.

I see new ladies come into the rooms and onto this board who did recieve that gift from God.

I was taught at a very young age that I was nothing. It was a message that ran deep into my soul

and allowed me to destroy every chance that I had for anything good and positive in life.

By the time I was 13 I had begun to equate my self worth with men. I honestly believed that I was nothing unless there

was a man in my life. It did not matter if he treated me in ways that were degrading or violent.

At least I was something. Or that is what I thought.

When a man would leave and the destruction in my life would slow down, I did not see this as a gift, and I would actively

search out someone who could fill that void.

It was a mission that was my addiction long before the drugs came into the picture.

It was so ingrained in me that I was nothing without a man and that I could do nothing for myself

that I needed a man to save me.

I could be the best victim, and telling my poor me helpless story was a way for me to manipulate a man into telling me that I was special.

It became this sick cycle. I would meet someone. He was there to save me from my terrible life. Then we would start to work together

to make it that much worse. Then I would start to see a shimmer of light and for a little while I would think that I might deserve better.

Then I would dump him, believing all of my problems were due to that person and that I was worth more.

Then I would immediately go to find someone to prove me wrong.

Now Gentlemen, please do not think that I am trashing men.

I learned that the person that I was could have even turned the nicest man into an abuser.

Violence is a cycle that both parties have a role to play.

Both people need to play their part to make that circle complete.

What i needed to learn was this:

I had to learn to see the light shinning inside of me before anyone else could see it.

There was no one that could save me from this world.

I needed to see that I was a strong person and that I had two of my

own feet that could carry me through this life.

When I looked to men to make me complete, I was bringing nothing to the union but poison.

I actively helped in making me worth less.

To the new ladies in the rooms and on the board:

You are strong, beautiful and meant to do wonderful

things in this world.

Until you are happy with who you are, you are always going to

find someone who will show you your faults and inadequacies.

If God has shown you the gift of recovery, please no that he did that

because he thinks you are amazing and wants you to see how amazing you are.

When you seek out men you are giving up your power and creating a situation

that will be very detrimental to both of you.

The beginning of recovery is a time that both men and women need to learn to

turn to God and see their beauty for what it is.

No matter where we have come from we all have light that is meant to shine and light up the paths for the people

that come here broken after us.


Give yourself a chance to see that light for yourself, then you wll get to see how strong you really are.


 



-- Edited by kitizzy at 14:47, 2008-10-04

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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
BigV


Senior Member

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Posts: 3718
Date:
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Kitizzy you have GOT to listen to this speaker he talks about relationships funny as hell .



http://www.xa-speakers.org/speakers/na/single-speakers/brownie/brownie-mkacnaatchinson200832.mp3

-- Edited by BigV at 13:16, 2008-10-04

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It's all about spirituality...
dan h


Senior Member

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Posts: 295
Date:
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Thanks for sharing, Kathleen. That was beautiful... I can't wait to hear the happy ending to your story! I know there will be one. You have grown so much, so fast. Keep it up!! Luv Ya!

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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
rocky


Senior Member

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Posts: 265
Date:
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it was good for me to see a little of your testimony you have grown a lot in the time i have been chatting and sharing with you there is a happy ending out there for you and that special someone to share in life's good things and the dreams of whatever it is you want to do or see in life keep it clean kiddo and we will all benefit from your journey as well as you from ours ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
thank you
Bret


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 some of us win some of us lose with god and this program i will  be a winner
Nikky


Senior Member

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Posts: 115
Date:
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"In the interest of self-preservation, any woman, no matter what the situation, would be better off never viewing herself as abandoned, which implies "helpless", "cast-off," or "rejected" or as the victim of a theft.  She must learn how to pivot around her inner core of security rather than be a satellite."  ~ Penelope Russianoff

also thought of someone saying we're less apt to feel "lonely" when we consider ourselves an interesting companion!  Penelope also said: The key to keeping relationships wonderful is knowing knowing that I COULD live without it.

I tell my husband to f*** off at least once a week....and we're still together smilesmilesmile

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I think people are full of guile.....I enjoy that.
AnthonyG


Senior Member

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Posts: 318
Date:
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Hi Kath, Pretty deep share ,thanks for posting it. I suppose there's some reason i squrim when folks start getting to close while sharing relationship issues. Another in a long list of things i need to deal with in this lifetime.

  Possibly why I always revert to the experiences of others when dealing with problems I'm just to sorry assed to deal with myself.

   I really like this story , hope you see the same kind of openness in it that i do.


   One afternoon , according to an old sufi tale, Nasruddin and his friend were sitting in a cafe drinking tea, and talking about life and love .

  " How come you never got married , Nasruddin ?" asked his friend at one point .

   "well," said nasruddin " to tell you the truth. I spent my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo , I met a beautiful and intelligent woman , with eyes like dark olives, but she was unkind . Then in Baghdad , I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul , but we  had no interests in common. One woman after another would seem just right , but there's was always always something missing, something wrong.  Then one day I met her, she was beautiful, intelligent,generous and kind. We had everything in common, . In fact , she was perfect."

   "Well , " said nasruddins friend. "What happened ?" "Why didn't you marry her ?"


    Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively . " Well " he said, "its a sad thing . Seems she was looking for the perfect man."smile

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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .

                         Yasutani Roshi
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