My family were planning my funeral emotionally preparing for my death
I went into my first treatment program at 22 spent 16 months there and split the program and lasted 2 weeks and 3 weeks later I was headed to prison for several years.
I got out and went back to prison or some treatment program over and over until I was 37 years old.
Then I got real sick I was dying I got scared and put together 5 years clean that was the first time I ever was able to put 1 year together usually it was 20-60-90 days at best.
I relapsed I needed to learn a few more things about this addiction and myself.
I turned 47 clean this year and put 2 years together, this time in NA not all by myself like those 5 years I had, oh I had a desire just not a willingness.
My passion today is to see others get clean and stay clean I can not tell you how wonderful it is to see someone like Anthony who came here still kicken STAYING CLEAN thats what this is all about.
WE ARE NA, share it, give it away out there in service when you see that suffering addict asking for some change or someone mentions a friend hurting TELL THEM WHO YOU ARE you are NA give it away because thats what got me here someone gave it to me planted the seed and I finally showed up with a slight bit of God intervention yelling in my ear.
Thanks Vini, I would just like to add a comment to what you said. I was told we only have to live the program to the best of our ability. While that may be technically true, the reality is that I live only the program to the best of my WILLINGNESS. I'm not even sure what the best of my ability IS! So today, I strive to be more willing. Thanks, again, Vini.
-- Edited by dan h at 14:34, 2008-10-04
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
Willingness my butt.....I MUST stay clean/sober or my ass goes BACK to prison!!! That'll motivate any butthead like me. I just HAD to find something to REPLACE the high, and that ol' 11th step is my BEST FRIEND. That plus reading mind-blowing books (I've mentioned mind-screwing books). I write SEVERAL people still serving 40 flat years, I send them funds, paid for a college class here and there....a form of sponsoring. Gotta give it away: that's how I spell love, G-I-V-E.
I am about to put my personal "program" to the ultimate test: having my still-outside-the-rooms nephew live with me. I'll need to do more than attract, I'll be forced to PROMOTE the steps. It'll be tough to make him leave if necessary (I'm his adopted mom since his mom, my sister, od'd on heroin a few years ago). But I feel confident I can do the absolute best I can, and might even have some success. I'm 43, Vini....growing old ain't for wimps, is it? Luv ya
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I think people are full of guile.....I enjoy that.
there was absolutely positively nothing that would keep me from using. threat of incarceration, deaths of friends, loved ones. rejection from my family. an inability to get along with anyone else on the planet, my own kids struggling with addiction, nothing on this earth would stop me. Or so i thought.
I struggle today. There are are days that I scratch fight and claw through another 24 hours. There are days that I hate NA. I love the people but I just hate the struggle that comes from recovery. There are days that that the only thing different in my life is that I'm clean.
All i can say today is that I'm clean. Sometimes that's enough. But this is a fight I'm willing to take . Ive taken fights on short notice many times. Ive had 37 years to prepare for this one.
Thanks for noticing Vini, and all. You folks in here have been and continue to be a huge help in a fight I know i cant win on my own.
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
Best of luck to you with teh nephew Nikky keep workin on him.
For years the threat of prison didn't scare me until they came up wit the 3 strike law here in california I already had 3 strikes so 1 more would have gotten me a 25-life sentence then I starting thinking twice about doing a crime, but still I didn't stop, now the fear of dying scared me enough to really want to stop but 5 years clean and I forgot where I was and relapsed again so the desire must come from another place and not fear I think it comes from simply being really sick and tired of living on a thread and getting the same results from our drug use. I was a prisoner even out of prison I got tired of that too. I got tired of not being able to be a man and the shame of that, I got tired of not having anything and that includes respect . There were ss many things I was fed up with and it was my drug use that was keeping me there.
For me it has to be willingness and desire and honesty and openmindedness, then more willingness to work this program each and everyday, yesterday was a bad day folks I lost a lot finacially and I wanted to go the hell off on some people but I stopped and worked this program and even if things dont change even if I dont get whats howed to me I have got to be willing to be OK with that and let the next door open.
Thanks for sharing everyone we each have our own way of looking at this no ones wrong.
