Shame is that dark, powerful feeling that holds us back. Yes, shame can stop us from acting inappropriately. But many of us have learned to attach shame to healthy behaviors that are in our best interest.
In dysfunctional families, shame can be tagged to healthy behaviors such as talking about feelings, making choices, taking care of ourselves, having fun, being successful, or even feeling good about ourselves.
Shame may have been attached to asking for what we want and need, to communicating directly and honestly, and to giving and receiving love.
Sometimes shame disguises itself as fear, rage, indifference, or a need to run and hide, wrote Stephanie E. But if it feels dark and makes us feel bad about being who we are, it's probably shame.
In recovery, we are learning to identify shame. When we can recognize it, we can begin to let go of it. We can love and accept ourselves - starting now.
We have a right to be, to be here, and to be who we are. And we don't ever have to let shame tell us any differently.
Today, I will attack and conquer the shame in my life.
As a boy thats all I felt was shame I was a chubbo, my Dad was a nice looking man my mom was an attractive lady my sister was the bubbly cute thing and then there was me LOL I felt adopted.
But you know what looking back on old pictures I was a cute kid nice looking young man it was just that I felt UGLY inside and a lot of shame.
Its taken me a long time to accept my size thing always been husky even being a swimmer since the age of 6 on teams and water polo player/swimmer up until sophmore in high school ( got kicked off the team for smoking cigarettes ) I was heavy my Moms a real good cook and I was well fed , my mom was a big woman then also so maybe I fed with her and we both ate to much I think we were both sad inside and afraid of our living conditions.
That shame is something I used behind those feelings of inadequacy, less then normal unfit, ugly all just a bunch of excuses to hide.
I have let go a lot of my shame just by sharing it and open up and letting it go, also realize not one person is perfect least of all me and I can accept that today, I almost like myself hell I can keep myself pretty humored all by myself, most of the time :)
Shame is not something we deal with well as addicts I know that is my number 1 reason to pick up and use when I was younger. I felt as if I wasn't good enough for my family. My sister led me to believe that when she didn't have me in her wedding when she got married in 99. It really hurt my feelings. They say that sometimes you treat family like crap and it takes a stranger to take you under their wings. Which is what happened with me, my pastor gave me that love unconditionally and I appreciate him for all he has done for me in the past. He accepted me for who I was never passed judgement on me he took me and loved me for who I was. He is the one who introduced me into the program of NA. I owe this man my recovery and for saving my life he is a very special person to me. I tend to think of him as the God of my understanding. Which is kinda weird and neat cause he is awesome. I hate that he is retiring next month, but it is about letting someone grow spiritually and he has taught me a lot recently in the last few years I had him to help me out in my life.
Well, one good thing Akita Lover...he's ONLY retiring. He's hasn't died. There are plenty of ways to stay in contact with someone.
Most of my shame is centered around my disease. Things I did, things I said, ways I behaved. It's a lot easier dealing with that sort of shame than it is with things like sexual (or any other types of) abuse. I had stolen something of real value, both sentimental and financial, from a family member in 2nd grade. I hadn't intended to steal it, and then it got stolen or lost from my desk. I still have some shame, but I have to give myself a break, I was 7 or 8 years old!! But it's taken an 8th and 9th step to be able to deal with that.
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
When I use to feel shame, it would suck me into a downward spiral of bad feelings, sapping my good feelings from me like a black hole. For days I'd beat myself up, and live in the past worrying about the choices i had made, or ones I didn't make.
Finally I surrender to me addiction, to my past, to my feelings. If I couldn't change the past, why should i live in it? Instead of being resentfull about my past, and angry about where I was, and worrying about the future...
I've learned to accept my mistakes, to replace anger with love, and use faith to generate hope that things would work out for everyone.
All fine and dandy but there is real guilt, healthy guilt if you will. You can't just write of guilt and dismiss it. Its separating the unhealthy guilt-shame from real guilt that helps us recover.
Actually that's probably one of those things that is true both ways. Separating the unhealthy guilt-shame from real guilt helps us recover AND recovery helps us separate healthy guilt from unhealthy guilt-shame. Like they both happen at the same time.
I just think that i do not have any words of wisdom, but since everybody is talkin i'll share this......guilt and shame ? I don't want my son (who is a baby now and growing up fast everyday) to feel guilty or shameful about anything! I know he is going to about things but I do not want to be the one who makes him feel that way. What is guilt? What is shame? My sponsor said that so many of my emotional problems came from haveing a lot of guilt and shame. For the most part, I have always felt so bad about everything I did/done, just tried to hide it with ego i think or skillfully justify! Still do.....but i get through it better today then ever thanks to new ways and new days!
What I love most about 12 step recovery is that it provides me with a means to deal with the issues that made me pick up in the first place. Spiritual growth is spiritual growth, right? And spiritual growth moves me along a path away from the self-centeredness of addiction toward God centeredness and service to others, thus the continuous uphill journey of recovery. As long as I'm growing spiritually, I'm in the process of recovery. However, what recovery through the steps provides is a way to put to rest all those unresolved issues. This is vital because unresolved issues have "babies." When I address each of these issues, I eliminate one more way that the disease has to attack me in the future. Shame is an issue that is so deep rooted, it may take years of step work to dig it all out. As someone already said, there is shame over what I did, shame over what I didn't do, shame over what I felt, what I said, what I didn't feel or say. There is even shame over who I THINK I am. All of these issues and so much more can be addressed through the steps. The miracle happens when we get clean, but the MAGIC happens when we work the steps.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
I remember what my Counselor told me when I had relapsed after my rehabitation and discharge and had gone back to her after a month of using. She said "Never allow guilt or shame to take control of you if you relapse again. The shame is in not coming back to ask for help again."
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
All fine and dandy but there is real guilt, healthy guilt if you will. You can't just write of guilt and dismiss it. Its separating the unhealthy guilt-shame from real guilt that helps us recover.
Actually that's probably one of those things that is true both ways. Separating the unhealthy guilt-shame from real guilt helps us recover AND recovery helps us separate healthy guilt from unhealthy guilt-shame. Like they both happen at the same time.
-- Edited by imikens at 18:40, 2008-10-03
I can and have and do.....I do nothing today to ever feel ashamed about or guilty about. They are not apart of my life. I guess we have to agree to disagree. (respectfully)
All fine and dandy but there is real guilt, healthy guilt if you will. You can't just write of guilt and dismiss it. Its separating the unhealthy guilt-shame from real guilt that helps us recover.
Actually that's probably one of those things that is true both ways. Separating the unhealthy guilt-shame from real guilt helps us recover AND recovery helps us separate healthy guilt from unhealthy guilt-shame. Like they both happen at the same time.
-- Edited by imikens at 18:40, 2008-10-03
I can and have and do.....I do nothing today to ever feel ashamed about or guilty about. They are not apart of my life. I guess we have to agree to disagree. (respectfully)
This is beautiful! This is how NA works, what works for one may not for another, but in the diversity of or experience, there is hope for the newcomer. Thank you both, for sharing!!!
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
