Hi family I am having issues with my sponsor. I am not getting what I think I need am wondering if i should look for a new sponsor. I picked my sponsor up at the first meeting i went to after being released from jail. I barely know him and am feeling that I did not make the best choice.
I am also afraid of telling this person my feelings, I don't want to be cruel. I feel a real connection with other people in meetings and feel there peace and serenity. I don't know if i am just being critical of someone else or if I should really search for someone else??
My feeling on this is, it is your recovery, to be successful you have to give it the tools that are best for you. It is not uncommon for people to go to a few meetings before finding a sponsor. If your sponsor is experienced with sponsorship, he should be okay with you telling him in an honest and caring way that you don't feel like you are connecting like you need to. Recovery is important enough to put you own needs for leadership first and search out the people that you think that you could learn from. We are all different personalities and even sponsors sometimes don't feel the connection needed with the sponcee to continue with the sponcee on their recovery path. The best thing is to be up front and honest. After all it is your recovery, and when you want success, you need to feel that you have the best team behind you.
I'll pray for you Kathleen
__________________
Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
Hi Dave, thanks for your post. Great topic. As always, I like to go to the literature if possible for answers. This is why I encourage newer members to STUDY their literature. The Basic Text is the SHARED experience of the NA Fellowship, and there is a good chance that the solution to whatever I'm facing is in there somewhere. But if I don't know where to find it, what good does it do me? Anyway, in the Sponsorship IP #11, it says that if our sponsor is no longer meeting our needs, we may feel free to change sponsors. In the text is says that what is appropriate for one phase of recovery, may not be for the next. I always recommend praying and seeking your HP's guidance to the sponsor HE has for you, because He will lead you to the sponsor you NEED, not necessarily the one you would pick for yourself. Good Luck, Dave and let us know what great things your Higher Power does for you!!!
-- Edited by dan h at 02:11, 2008-10-02
__________________
"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
I've had experience with this also. My first sponsor didn't have time for me, she jerked me around on my step work for three months. One thing I was told at that time was: If you're questioning getting another sponsor, then you probably need to find a new one. Also was told: Sponsorship is not a marriage, you don't have to get a divorce. Simply do what's best for own recovery.
I made the call to this woman and sat on the other end of the line, literally listening to her scream at me, degrade me and other people. It was awful. She didn't speak to me or give me a hug for almost a year. But thing is, I knew from her yelling at me I had made the right choice. And it was her life she affected by holding onto that resentment. I didn't care. I recovered and grew regardless of her friendship or hugs.
The second sponsor I had to change was much more spiritual, and was happy I picked the lady I had picked. I had a sponsee drop me around that time. I want nothing more than for her to recover and stay off drugs. I still love her to pieces and will be there for her if she needs anything.
__________________
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
When we first arrive at the doors of NA, our "pickers" are usually broken as well as our emotions, physical status and spirituality! Don't worry. I say keep the sponsor you chose. Does he encourage you to go to meetings? Does he answer the telephone when you call? Does he talk the steps being the solution? Dude, relationships (any relationships, for the matter...(it says in the basic text)....is a terribly painful area. It doesn't matter when you chose him, or when he chose you....maybe it was a God of your understanding working in your life for you to have this sponsor...And don't forget, he has you as a sponsee... Are you being the best sponsee you can be? Honey, we all have terribly high expectations of one another and if ya haven't heard yet, you will...that having a lot of expectations (especially when it comes to other people and relationships) will leave you chronically disappointed. Keep comin back, it will get better. No one here says that we are only allowed one sponsor anyway. If you have more that one person to call in your life that you believe is doing "the next right thing" then hold those people close to your heart, pray that they stay clean just for today and keep building your foundation. You might be the only one that is keeping your sponsor alive! Try and remember that. With all sincerity, give yourself and him a big break. You are doing great. Try not to be so hard on yourself and others. It takes time. None of the steps work by magic. I have had 3 sponsors before the one i have now. So i am on sponsor four. My clean date is 04-05-06. I have friends in recovery who i lean on for support. I have the tables. I have a pen and paper. When i couldn't sponsor someone, i told them to their face. If you feel like you really want to "get another sponsor" and say something to the one you have now, just do it. Don't worry about his feelings, worry about your recovery. Tell him you'll still call him once in awhile to see how he's doin? Go with your gut feeling.
Good stuff kittizzy. Couldn't said it any better. Seriously, your reply remind me of how i was really thinking yet i didn't put it quite as elegantly as you did. Thank you sweetie. Peace.
I agree with others here, Dave. Honest, straight-forward communication with your current Sponsor that this is how you feel, is the best way forward. I personally always do that, and encourage the ones I sponsor to also do the same in my context.
However, I would like to express here the other side of this issue too. Many a times, I have felt that I want/expect something else from my Sponsor than what is being passed on to me, and have had my own doubts at such times, and later on have realized that what was passed on to me was exactly what I needed at that time, not what I thought I needed
Moreover, Sponsorship is a relationship like any other, and as such, this relationship also needs to stand the test, just like it is between 2 friends or spouses, or between father-son or brother-sister. Looking beyond the threatening differences and seemingly incompatible factors and working on these issues actually might lead to a healthy relationship, giving us an opportunity to commit, work and grow in relationships, and I believe it begins with the Sponsorship in NA for any recovering addict.
If I were you, I would set up a meeting with him, talk my heart out, and see where it goes. I wouldn't change a Sponsor until I've tried my all sincerely to see if it was meant to be or not.
I do know of a fellow recovery twin who cleant up with me at a same time. He has changed 3 Sponsors till now, and is now Sponsor-less. He always had issues with his Sponsors as soon as the initial attraction over them wore off. When it came to work on the relationship at such points in time, he fired them one-by-one, moving on to another Sponsor. Yet, the issues never left him. They followed him in each of his new Sponsorship relationship. I met him last time where he shared this pattern with me. He has decided to stick with his next Sponsor for 2 years as a commitment no matter what happens, and try to resolve the blocks this time instead of switching to yet another new Sponsor.
For me, personally, I did want it my way on a couple of very important issues where I had to take crucial decisions that would change the course of my life in the last few years of my recovery. I expected my Sponsor to support me on these issues. Instead the suggestions that he made were the polar opposites to what I intended to do. It felt as if he doesn't understand my situation fully, and it did seem that his suggested direction would have disastrous consequences for me and my loved ones and friends. I even contemplated quitting the sponsorship. Yet, somehow, it seemed more simple to just follow these directions than to listen to what my mind told me, and to try hard to control these situations, what with fear and anxiety ruling over me. I opened my mind, became a little willing, chose to show a little bit of faith and trust, and I did just what he suggested. Today, I'm grateful that I did so as they turned out to be the most rewarding decisions of my life. As a result, miracles happened, and continue to happen.
Now, this Sponsor is my second Sponsor. And even the decision to move on to a new Sponsor I took through the process of discussing with my ex-Sponsor who actually guided me to move on.
Just my personal experiences though
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
