Well tomorrow is day 30 for me. I thought that I was going about things in an orderly manner. Then WHAM!
A friend decided to tell me yesterday that she had just been perscribed my drug of choice for pain. Just her lightly talking about it seemed to make a big moster wake up inside of my head.
I have a couple issues with this. First, My friend that has the drugs is an addict in recovery. It was not her drug of choice so she does not see it as a relapse. Second, my friend is an addict in recovery, I know full well that if someone started to casually talk about her drug of choice she would be uncomfortable with it. In fact I have been with her when complete strangers have started talking about her drug and she has interrupted conversations to educate them on the power and addictiveness of her drug AND to explain that the behaviour behind the addict is brought on by that drug.
So, I guess I am feeling a bit of resentment.
So after her bringing my drug to the surface a couple of times yesterday, I went to sleep and had the worst sleep that I have had since leaving detox. I spent the whole night dreaming about using and even had the sensation of being high in my dreams.
I woke up this morning and now everything is scattered. I went to school and could not focus, or function in any normal way. I have been irritable all afternoon, and my mood seems to be falling by the second.
So, how can I deal with this? Well go to a meeting of course. Then there is that. I live in a domestic violence shelter and am part of a 1 year program. I am required every Tuesday to attend a lifeskills meeting. There are no exceptions. You are allowed to miss 2. I missed my 2 while in Detox, so if I choose not to go, that is grounds for being asked to leave the program. Having that consequence at this point of my recovery would not be helpful to say the least. So, I will go to the meeting, and treat it like an NA meeting.
Hello, my name is Kathleen and I am an addict. Tonight I do not give two shits about smart budgeting, I need to vent......
Maybe then there will be some grace extended the next time I need a meeting.
Talk to ya
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
Not much you can do except let it go. I've found that whatever I'm thinking about before I go to sleep, I'll dream about. So I'm careful not to think about stuff like that, or watch movies, tv where people are drinking and drugging. I'll bet that I've had 100 using dreams in 20 years. What's sinister about mine is that in the dream I'll say to myself that I'm clean and that this is just a dream, then this voice says, "yeah but you cheated several times"... and I wake up wondering.
I'd distance myself from that friend for a while. I think that she's on the wrong track.
"Tonight I do not give two shits about smart budgeting...."
That's funny. At least to me. Made me laugh out loud in fact.
Congrats on day 30! Lets not miss that accomplishment.......
Ok so lets prioritize and see how we can help. You can't miss a meeting that puts your place to live in jeopardy.
1. Can you explain to the program director, not by missing tonight's meeting, what happened in the past, why you missed two meetings to at least create a buffer zone for you in the future so there is not so much pressure. One would think anything you can do to reduce pressure or the anticipation of pressure is a good thing.
2. We are not a substitute for meetings but we are here and you can certainly vent here.
3. Do you have a sponsor yet you could call? If not this experience could sure motivate you to see the value of having one.
4. My brother who is an addictive counselor and I have talked quite a bit last few weeks. He has been my brother and only talked in general about recovery with me. Not been my counselor. One of the things he talked to me about is how addicts only want to look at their behaviors, try to deal with them, obtain forgiveness for them, but don't ever want to look beyond to the character issues. And by avoiding the character issues, addicts are doomed to keep repeating the same cycle of behavior. So if an addict shoplifted in the past, they want to apologize for the shop lifting, make amends, but do not want to examine what it is about why they told themselves it was okay to shop lift is a symptom of a deeper character flaw that as a driving force will show up in other "symptoms" in the addict's life. You want to get rid of the symptoms, you have to deal with the cause: the deeper character issue.
If we will accept that this is the case, what he is saying is true and credible, what do the symptoms tell you about the character issue? What does your response tell you about deeper issues?
5. Did you learn about PAWS yet? What addicts experience after getting clean and can experience it for some time? Here is one link: http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm. What you describe reads like PAWS. Enough so I'd check it out. We as humans love to link isolated and non-releated events together to try and make sense of them. When sometimes they are not related at all but merely co-incidental. So your feelings may have nothing to do with what you suppose. Could just be co-incidental that she told you about here meds and at the same time you started having some of these post withdrawal symptoms and so BINGO in your mind, its due to the her revelation and insensitivity. You might have had the concentration issues, etc., out of synch kinda stuff no matter what. If that makes sense. Not saying it is or isn't. Just saying it could be and consider it.
6. You asked what to do. I'd like to ask you, what are you going to do? Of course you are not out of this thing yet. But you are at day 30. You've been doing the work. Gotta have SOME insight by now. So what are you going to do?
7. "I guess I am feeling a bit of resentment." Don't mean to split hairs but is it also feeling jealous? I just love the Lord of the Rings movies to help understand addiction. I always thought about it long before admitting my adiction. The way Gollum reacts to "My precious...", clearly how I felt about my opiates. And when Samwise carried the ring for a while and Frodo, told Fordo and Fordo's response, I sorta feel Frodo seemed to feel myself when I know someone has "My precious..." Its amazing how quickly after dropping the Vicodin like a hot potato, several folks told me their doctor gave them Vicodin for this, that, etc. But still, they are "MY precious..."
Or are you feeling resentment because your friend's insensitivity to your addiction issues? Or what seems to be an insensitivity? Which of course leads to a different issue which is controlling others for our needs. _________ Will pray for you tonight and check with you in the morning. Right now I get to go to bed and sleep alongside the most beautiful woman I've ever known.
Hi Kathleen, Thanks for your post. Jim covered about everything my "Figureitoutism" could come up with but my Big Brain Syndrome is not always helpful in recovery, so just keep it simple. Just for Today Meditation book, July 17: "Using our using dreams" It's the only reference to using dreams in all of the NA literature that I know. Check it out. Then remember, you're an ADDICT. It's the most natural thing in the workd for an addict to want to use drugs! There is nothing abnormal about it, it's a part of recovery, like Dean, I've had dozens of using dreams. Each one just made me examine my program closely and re-commit to myself to recovery. I think your friend was a little insensitive, especially in light of what you said about her reaction to references to her drug of choice. So what? In itself, is that enough reason to avoid her. She is only human, after all, just like the rest of us, and I would almost promise whe would be mortified if you told her how it made you feel. Using dreams are a part of recovery and can be very frightening, even terrifying, but they, like my thoughts, are just in my mind, my disease f***ing with me. I'm sure, with the perspective of time, you'll begin to see there are more important things to spend time on. Good Luck, Kathleen. Congratulations on 30 miracles!! You've come a long way since we first met you, don't stop! Big NA Hugs!
-- Edited by dan h at 00:48, 2008-09-17
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
After I reread my post, I too got a laugh about the budgeting crack....
1. I have been going against the tide in this place for awhile. When I first went to my counciller about my addiction problem, their way of thinking was that I should be able to kick my opiate addiction on my own....Thier feeling was that I was not using crack and I was getting scripts, and they had seen people way worse than me. I have to suck it up and just do the work....It is just me being pissy.
2. This baord has been a life saver for me. It would never replace meetings, but it has offered me a lot of sound advise over thepast few months.
3. I definatly see the value of a sponser, and am actively searching for one now. There are some really wonderful women in the program here in Calgary. I did take this step tonight and go and speak to a good griend in recovery.
4. This is not a question that I can answer at this time. The only thing that I know about myself right now is that I do not like to feel my own feelings. Even without the drugs, I am still stuck in my own little bubble. My friend asked me how I felt about the happenings of the day, and I could not give her an answer.
5. Thank you for the link. I am aware of PAWS, but, I am the queen of denial and even though I was given a lot of information about it, I can't usually see what is staring me right in the face.
6. What am I going to do? Pray. Go to my meeting tomorrow and then pray some more. When I am finally prayed out, I am going to start all over again.
7. I better clarify here, I feel resentment towards her becasue as a fellow addict, I would hope that she would treat me as she expects to be treated. I am aware that that stems from trying to control her, I am taking baby steps and I cannot fix everything all in one day.
And YES of course I was jelous. She is being given my drug of choice. My own sick mind is thinking that she has just been given a permission slip to get ripped. I was wondering why I did not get one....complete insanity.
So I am off to bed, to pray for a better day.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
"I would hope that she would treat me as she expects to be treated."
I hope as your read what you type you identified the issue with that sentence. You hope that SHE would.....
You handed over all your power to her. Lock stock and barrel. You just gave it all up, over, and into her hands. You put your feelings, life, maybe even chance of recovery, into the hands of WHO? Another addict? Even another person is goofy in many regards, but another ADDICT? What were you thinking? I mean really? You are hoping another addict would not be selfish? Not judging you by the way. Just identifying an issue. We're all equal in this thing so please don't misread what I am bouncing around here.
I am a rookie and do not mean to sound more authoritative or insightful than I am. Those who are and have been sponsors will need to chime in. But based on what I've read about sponsors, you don't even hand that power over to them as great and as necessary as they are. That is not their role. They don't help you define you. Their role is not to be a safe person in that equation.... "I hope they will treat me...." They are safe of course. But they aren't the ones who define us. Your equation is in some ways what co-dependency is about. The sponsor relationship is not a co-dependent relationship. That would be exchanging one addiction for another. Would make no sense. Again though folks who are sponsors are the only ones who can speak to that.
There is only One person to which you hand over that right, that power. That is your Higher Power. For me that is the Lord Jesus Christ. He is my Higher Power. Not telling you He has to be yours. He is mine.
There is only One who has demonstrated to be Safe. To be interested in your BEST interest. That is your Higher Power.
Please please please, do not ever give the your self over to another person. You will be doomed from the start.
"I know about myself right now is that I do not like to feel my own feelings."
I wanted to pull that out, obviously. Yes, feel the same way about my feelings. Don't like my own feelings right now. I can totally empathize.
As I have announced I am in recovery one of the most interesting, helpful and encouraging things that has happened is all the "me too's" I've gotten. Folks who I am pretty sure are as surprised that I am in recovery as I am surprised they are in recovery. Folks all along the road, the journey, of those folks I'm the newest rookie but these folks are scattered all along the road from months to years in recovery. A few of them caught me VERY off guard and I am eternally grateful for their honesty with me. It really helped to eliminate the shame.
A couple of those folks all talked about the same thing. And that is early on you feel like a giant turd. The giant turd in recovery syndrome..... :)
You don't want to feel that way, but you do. You don't feel good about how you feel.
They offered me a couple of things and I'll just cut and paste from their emails.
1. It doesn't last. 2. It doesn't last. 3. It doesn't last.
4. Your feelings are like the caboose on a train. They are NOT the engine. Never have been. You feelings are an outcome of choices and actions. Despite how strong they are and how much they want to lie to you and tell you they are the engine of the train, they are not. The way you feel better, get rid of the "giant turd in recovery syndrome" is you act like you want to feel. You start doing the healthy things, your feelings sooner or later get placed properly, as the caboose, and you start to like the way you feel.
5. It doesn't last.
6. The only way to get to the place where you feel good about your feelings is to be recovering. You can't get to feeling good about your feelings and be using. Won't happen.
7. Treat yourself healthfully. Walk, water, eat, sleep, rest, breath deeply, relaxation exercises, etc. Taking a mile walk releases about the same amount of neurotransmitters in your brain to offset depression as one prozac. How about that? Walking a mile is like taking one anti-depressant. That is good news. I've been walking every day now. In fact my dogs are circling me looking at me like a freshly killed carcass waiting for me to get the leashes and out the door this morning. The result in your "feelings" will be amazingly positive. In my personal experience so far the positive impact isn't immediate. If I walk in the morning, around lunch time that mid morning crap isn't around. I feel much better from lunch time on then I did before I started walking every day. So now we walk........ If only to create something to drive more positive feelings.
8. It doesn't last.
9. This is from me not their emails. Tim Allen, very successful comedian, is an addict. I remember one of his interviews about recovery and he was asked about his feelings. I don't remember the whole thing just his answer. What he said was, "I've learned to just wait a few moments because whatever I'm feeling, in a few moments it will be different..." Now I get it. I can have a moment where I am a GIANT turd. I mean surprised by the pressure of the emotion and the severity of it. I'll take a few breaths and keep going in what seems like a mere moment, that feeling is gone and I'm on to something else. It does seem that mostly, those feelings, they don't last....
Gotta get going but wanted to add something more from the movies The Lord of the Rings.
Could be painful obvious kind of stuff but since I already brought Gollum into the thread thought I'd finish my idea.
Gollum was a hideous creature. I mean hideous. But he didn't start out that way. He was a hobbit just like Frodo, Bilbo, Samwise, etc. Enjoyed the life in the shire and even in the movie you understand he enjoyed being a hobbit.
But what happened? The Ring, his "precious". Each time he put the ring on, the price he paid was it took a little of himself away. Each time Gollum used the ring, there was less Hobbit until all that was left was the hideous creature and his precious ring. Becoming invisible and using the power of the ring for his own ends the Hobbit was crushed and the hideous totally selfish creature remained.
THAT is addiction and the impact of addiction. Sooner or later all that is left if MY precious and I have lost my humanity. Piece by piece. Each time I used my substance of choice to become invisible, I became less of me and more like Gollum.
Thankfully, Jim made a very good point - IT DOESN'T LAST! That's something that addicts DO need to try and remember (including myself).
I don't blame you for how you feel about your friend. In fact, I'd probably feel the same way in your situation - including resentment & jealousy. I don't know about anyone else, but I think these feelings ARE normal for you to have. And since your friend IS a recovering addict as well, it makes even more sense for you to feel resentment. Addicts know how "triggering" something can be for somebody - and they should at least know not to tell a fellow addict they have his/her drug of choice. It'd be the same thing as offering to buy an alcoholic a drink. You even mentioned that she informed & educated strangers about HER drug of choice (so it's not like this is a naive person who knows nothing about the disease of addiction). Other people who have never had an addiction problem MIGHT not "know better." But since this is also an addict you're talking about, that's just not the case in this scenario.
I've never been addicted to Valium, for example (or even taken it for that matter). But I've heard that some addicts HAVE been hooked on it and it's also THEIR drug of choice. If I was prescribed that med for whatever reason, I certainly would never even mention it to a fellow addict - ESPECIALLY when it's the drug of choice for that addict.
I've had strange dreams as well - sometimes something DID "trigger" them - and sometimes they seemed to come from nowhere.
I definitely think the best thing for you to do is attend your meetings & vent away! (And, of course, you can continue venting here too!)
I love that you are educating yourself so much about the disease of addiction Jim, It is an important tool to recovery.
I am not sure if I have expressed myself correctly. When refering to my friend and my resentment towards her, I am not giving her my power. To become strong in my recovery, I need to surround myself with safe people. My friend has a year and she is a sponsor for other addicts. As a sponser and having a lot of years of experiance in the program, she even mention herself that it is unfair and un supportive to talk about using someone elses drug of choice. She is one of the people I can go and be myself around without the worry of being around people using or being in situations where it might be hard to say no. She builds her support system in the same manner. It is not co dependency to have agreed upon criteria for a friendship and one of the participants starts pushing the boundaries. When boundaries are being pushed or ignored it is expected to have some disappontment or hurt feelings. It would be no different if we had agreed that I did not go to bars and everytime she wanted to meet me, she was in a bar. All I meant that was her comments started the ball rolling. I do not think that she was responsible for my dreams, or my day yesterday. I was responsble for that. I am not a one man band, I need people to make my recovery successful. That is not co dependency, that is interdependence.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
Ok. Don't disbelieve you. However your symptoms and how it knocked you for a loop made me at least wonder if that was really the case. It sure sounded like what you experienced was a result of doing so.
Early this week I did a very similar thing. It was about income. Man, totally freaked out. And the way I was not going to be freaked out was in my employer's hands. If they worked with me to allow short term disability, everything was going to be okay. Freaked out my wife too given how I was framing it.
Totally bogus setup. My not being freaked out or being freaked out is not in my employer's hands. Its in mine and my Lord's. And my not being freaked out is not because I may or may not receive short term disability or have a job with income. My not being freaked out is about me and my Lord and His trustworthiness. All is well with my soul is not subject to approval for short term disability.
I gave over SOOO much power to my employer that it finally dawned on me what I was doing. And the sinister part is it all felt "right". Short term disability, worried about being the provider for my family, etc. And the setup was all WRONG.
It really is amazing how quickly we let these drugs rob our minds of the truth and replace that truth with lies. Simply amazing.
I'm doing much better today. Thanks for asking. Yesterday was a day of answered prayers and little miracles. I spent Tuesday night praying for peace and serenity. Then I prayed for all of the people that were in a thorn in my side. I prayed for their peace and serenity too. I woke up yesterday morning wanting a prayer refund because I felt worse than the day before. Then I let the day unfold. I was given free coffee by a stranger. I got to school and my writing teacher finally acknowledged that I knew how to write. I went to my meeting and got my 30 day key tag. Then I shut my mouth and listened for an hour. I got home from school to a call about a meeting that I have been waiting to have. Then I even straightened out my lifeskills group issues. By all of this, I realized that I was feeling pretty happy. Then to settle the debate, my addict friend called me and said that she was out of line to tell me about the drugs that she was perscribed. By supper time I realized that all of my prayers had been answered and then some.
So, today is another day, and it is definately more calmer and serene.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
kat i hope you are well i saw you in the room but you did'nt answer me back i look forward to hearing from you in the room real soon (((((((((((()))))))))))))
god bless bret
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some of us win some of us lose with god and this program i will be a winner
Hey Bret, I actually fell asleep very early last night. God's way of recarging me. I checked in the room tonight but you wern't around. I'll try to get on there tomorrow night
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
This is what i know. I am an addict, I have been one since I was a child, and I will be one until the day that I die. I am a human with flaws and I always will be. I am in recovery and starting to work the steps for the first time. The key word is the first. When I listen to peopl ewho have been successful in accumulating clean time with recovery work, I hear that sttep work, is part of the life long process of recovery. I went past my turning point a long time ago. My turning point was when I realzied that I was powerless over this disease and that my life had become unmanagable. I would be foolish to think that because I had positive action through prayer, that the next time that I have a bad day that I could avaoid that all together. Another thing that I learned from addicts who have worked the steps is that life as I know it will be filled with peaks and valleys. For over a year now I have seen magic in my life, and recovery does not happen overnight. I find people who don't talk about success but have actually done the steps to achieve it. Through their experiences, I have learned that recovery is always a learning process and no matter how far down the road you get, there will still be the odd bad day. I'm okay with that. I have learned that there is a big difference between knowing the answers and actually applying them. So now, it is time to take the things that I am learning and applying it in real time. I know that for myself, I am so smart that I can be stupid, the work for me is to be open minded and willing to listen to people who have what I want.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
Not saying. Am saying that as addicts we all tend to ignore our accomplishments. Its part of the characteristic, addictive mindset, whatever you want to call it that is being an addict.
It reads to me, and I think we all understand we are getting very little of the entire picture and operating on just feelings, seems like, etc. Which I why I hope I never type that something IS this or that. I try to be tentative.
But your recent posts and how you dealt with this thing seem to me to be a breakthrough. One of those accomplishments that as addicts we ignore. No, its not "kit is done with recovery..." But it is very cool and if you were in one of the meetings I've attended so far and shared that with us, I'm pretty sure we'd be clapping for you.
Just don't want you to miss a step forward. It sure seems to me like you took one. None of the steps we take forward will be our last. Our last step will be the step from now to the grave with addiction. Doesn't mean we can't acknowledge the steps forward we do make. And it seems like you did real good kit. I mean wow....
Well put Jim. I am one of thode people though that if I am not carful, I will spend so much time celebrating the little steps that I will forget to keep walking. It is another problem some addicts seem to face "they can't see the ocean for the water". I am happy that I made choices to deal with something in a prodictive way without drgs, but if I start clapping myself on the back for it, I will end up having a drink to celebrate. Sounds stupid but real. For me. Pride has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past, so I try not to let it be part of my thinking. It is part of my self destruct mode.
I have a friend who is not an addict. He is an amazing person with a very amazing mind. He was telling me that he had hesitations about NA. One one hand he said it was good, on the other hand he thought that it might be an outlet to make a problem worse that it is.
I used this example.
If a big shark was living in your bath tub, you could pretend it wansn't there, but one day when you are having a shower that shark is going to bite your legs off.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
We watched a video in group last night. Had an interview with a lady who looked to be about 35 in recovery. At the beginning of her recovery her sponsor told her she needed to get stupid. She was over thinking everything. Apparently there is saying in recovery that no one can be too dumb to recover but lots of folks are too smart to ever do so. You did good. Don't stop. But you still did good. Now start building on some of those good things.
Today I have seven months its weird I am succeeding in my life! I have lost 16.6 pounds, walking everyday and my self esteem is returning and I am actually liking myself!
