I'm not sure about this - but hopefully some of you will be able to provide some input on this subject.
In another post on this board, I mentioned about a person at my NA meetings who I can really relate to as he was in almost the exact same situation I'm in now. The only difference is that he was ordered by a judge to go to meetings as part of his sentence after he was arrested (whereas I opted to begin attending them on my own). He still thanks his arresting officer for saving his life and has been clean ever since (and, obviously, he also still attends meetings even though he's no longer "ordered" to do so by a judge). I don't know what his gateway drug was or how long he has been clean, but I know it has been quite a few years.
When I finally got the courage to share some of my story in a group meeting a few days ago, this person was VERY helpful & supportive. He didn't say much (he didn't have to as I had already heard his story). But since he finally heard some of mine (this was the first time I shared), he knew what I was going through. At the end of the meeting, he gave me a hug and said "I know where you're coming from, it WILL get better." Just hearing those words gave me a HUGE amount of relief - and I truly believed he DID know EXACTLY where I was coming from. Those few words were the best thing I heard in a LONG time (and I think it's 'cause of the person who said them). I'm sure many of you know if someone has a very similar "story" as you do, you CAN relate to them A LOT and it can be extremely helpful.
I've been given names & numbers of other women to call in case I feel tempted and/or need to talk - but I can't seem to relate to the females there as much. There ARE a few that I CAN talk to, but most of the other females are much younger than I am. The guy with the same "story" as mine is someone I can definitely relate to though (in addition to some men since there seems to be more men than women at my meetings who are closer to my age and/or have a similar story as mine).
I believe it's not "allowed" to for a female to have a male sponsor, but is it "allowed" for a female to maybe e-mail a male member or contact him for other reasons than sponsorship? I know that sort of thing MIGHT lead to sticky situations and that's why it isn't allowed, but it's just that I can relate to this guy so much better than any of the other females there.
I'm hesitant to ask anyone at the meetings about this (especially this particular guy as I don't want him to think that I have another "motive" for wanting to keep in touch with him if I need to outside of meetings). I just feel this particular person CAN be helpful to me - but he just happens to be a guy so I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if it's ever allowed for exceptions to be made?
After the meeting I attended tonight, one of the guys asked me out for ice cream (I'm new at this, but I thought going out members of the opposite sex was against the "rules?") I DID turn him down (I honestly don't know if it WAS something "innocent" or "something else" - but I don't care to find out!) I only care about getting better. I DO think it was a group thing & several people from the meeting were going out together though (I'm not sure). A girl there asked me for a ride home and I did give her one (I didn't think there was anything wrong with that). In fact, I recall this same girl getting a ride home from a male member at a previous meeting (I'm assuming she doesn't drive). Again, I don't know if even getting a ride home (whether it's from the opposite sex or not) is crossing any "lines." I'm just confused about the entire male/female relationship among NA members I guess.
I just feel that the guy in my meetings who I can truly relate to is someone who can be helpful to me & someone I COULD talk to openly and honestly. It'd be SO nice to have a friend - and I hate to think that I can't have this particular person as a friend simply because I'm female and/or he's male.
So I was just curious if anyone has heard of females & males talking to one another outside of NA? Whether it's going out for something "innocent" or contacting each other for advice or help?
I'm just not sure what to do (if anything) about the guy in my meetings that I'd really like to talk to more often. I can't relate to the younger members there as their stories are all about the "pressures of high school." And since I'm not a mom or a wife (anymore), I can't seem to relate to many of the other older women there. The main person I CAN relate to happens to be a man who was in almost the exact same situation I'm in now. So I'm not sure if there IS anything I can do as far as that - or if I should just talk to him only at the meetings to avoid crossing any lines.
Anyway, I was just kinda curious if anyone here has spoken with members of the opposite sex outside of meetings for any reason? I just don't know if males & females DO keep in touch in some cases outside of meetings at all.
I would agree with Vini on this one Kris. When you are new to recovery, even though you are not using, you are still not thinking clearly. If you listen to stories in the rooms, you will hear over and over again about how two people of the opposite sex found that they could relate to each other. The stories always end with something sexual and one or both ended up relapsing. A lot of the men in recovery gave me this advise the first few meetings. They said that for the first year of my recovery to keep to the ladies. After that, and a lot of work on the steps they said I MIGHT be ready to talk to the boys. After spending time in the rooms I agree with them. One thing to look for when listening to sharing is the common feelings. No you might not be in high school, and no you do not have kids. I find I can relate to the feelings of people who are young and old male or female. When you compare all of the differences you are lighting yoursef a path right out of the door.
Now, saying that, I will say that I do know a few men in recovery that I can talk to. I keep thousands of miles between us though and I have met all on them from this board. I need both perspectives (male and female) to help heal some of the negative attitudes I have of the opposite sex and learn about communicating in a postive way.
It gives us a chance to talk without all of the other stuff that comes with face to face meetings.
I am thankful for this site because I have met some people enjoying a recovery life that I want. I also know 1 or 2 that are on there way like me.
I would strongly suggest that you keep any communtications with this man in the rooms.
__________________
Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
I WILL keep it in the meetings. I definitely DO wanna work the program the RIGHT way. I do feel this particular guy can be helpful to me - and it can still be helpful to talk to him inside the meeting room (rather than NEVER).
I still haven't gotten the basic text book. I decided to get it at a cheaper rate by ordering it from Half.com. Probably a mistake as although the seller DID have positive feedback, it STILL hasn't arrived in the mail. (Or maybe my mailman is just taking his sweet time!)
Oh yeah, what do you think about the other guy I mentioned? The guy who asked me out for "ice cream" after the meeting? Unlike the "other guy," I don't know this particular man well AT ALL. In fact, this was the FIRST meeting I met him at. I felt it was a bad idea and wasn't sure if it was even "allowed" (which is why I turned him down). I still wonder if I was being rude by turning him down... but gut feeling DID tell me it wasn't something as "innocent" as ice cream. Even if I was wrong, why risk it? I need to work this program to the best of my ability without ANY other influences affecting it negatively in any way if ya know what I mean.
Stick to your program for awhile. There are lots of times that a bunch of people will go somewhere after the meeting and I think that is perfectly okay. It turns out to be a mini meeting anyways. There are some people in the rooms who are not working on the program, they just use NA as a dating service. Best to stick with girls or groups for the first little while.
__________________
Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
This reminds me of my old ( ancient?) math classes . When do two negatives make a positive ? The answer of course is never . Not that you and the other addict are negatives. but you are both there for reasons that are intrinsically selfish . Your sick people trying to get better. If your want to start a relationship in a meeting ( 13th steppin ) Then the focus comes off you and onto the new interest. Keep your recovery at the forefront of our life . All other things in time , If HP wills . Good luck Anthony G
__________________
" If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be . Now put the foundations under them . "
This reminds me of my old ( ancient?) math classes . When do two negatives make a positive ? The answer of course is never . Not that you and the other addict are negatives. but you are both there for reasons that are intrinsically selfish . Your sick people trying to get better. If your want to start a relationship in a meeting ( 13th steppin ) Then the focus comes off you and onto the new interest. Keep your recovery at the forefront of our life . All other things in time , If HP wills . Good luck Anthony G
I gotta remember that. Very good way of putting it.
__________________
Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
Hi, Kris. I'm Dan, an addict in recovery. You have asked a couple really good questions and I'm sure you will get a variety of answers. The BEST suggestion I can make is that you just keep coming and as you do, these questions and probably many others will be answered, but over a little time. It is always good, though, to ask questions here that you feel you might need clarification on. My experience with what is "allowed" is this: No one in NA is here to tell anyone else how to run their lives or what they should do. We try to simply offer suggestions, "when asked" and to share our own experience, strength, and hope on a given topic. When it comes to relationships between men and women in NA, I agree with what has been stated already, that it is not a good idea, most of the time, especially in early recovery. However, I prefer to go by our literature: "NA is a non-profit fellowship or society of men AND women for whom drugs had become a major problem." (my underline) But, "We strongly suggest that newcomers not get into a sponsor relationship in which sexual attraction may occur." (my underline) From IP #11 "Sponsorship" You can pick up this IP (informational pamphlet) at almost any meeting for free and I highly recommend it. What I have found personally, Kris, is that what is acceptable in one locality or area of the country, is almost unheard of in others. Cross gender sponsorship is quite common in some places, here in Indianapolis, with nearly 100 meeting a week and hundreds of recovering addicts, I know of only a handful who sponsor cross gender. It is certainly not forbidden, but can definitely be HUGELY dangerous, expecially if the "Sponsor" is not well experienced in recovery and spiritually mature. There is absolutely nothing wrong with aspiring to have healthy relationships in recovery with members of the opposite sex, just suggest that you go slow. For myself, my sponsor told me that I could have all the sex I wanted during my first year of recovery. After that, I could start having it with another person!! LOL! He also said this: Some great marriages are forged in the rooms of recovery, but looking for a relationship in NA is like shopping for a used car in the junkyard! Good Luck ,Kris, and please keep coming back!!
__________________
"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
Yeah, Anthony, the original was from a group in Ohio, I think in the forties or fifties, who called themselves Narcotics Anonymous. They were religious based and had 13 steps. Step 13 was "God help me!" Haven't thought about that in a while. Thanks, Anthony!
__________________
"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
the guys i sponsor will not go near a woman in her first year. my policy is, if you want to risk your own life by doing things youre not ready for, thats one thing, but you will not risk someone else's to satisfy your desires. its that way because it was that way for me.
and I got clean during the directions phase of na, we didnt have suggestions.
you did as your sponsor said or you found a new sponsor. i guess it depended on how bad you wanted what they had.
i'm not saying my way is better or worse, its just how i "came up" and it worked for me.
The reason they *Suggest* you stick with the females for at least one year is so you don't turn a man into your higher power. As others have said, you are new to this and clouded thinking isn't always the best thinking. So give yoruself sometime to be with *Yourself* and only be in touch with this person in meetings for a while. Also what does your *Sponsor* Suggest? :) It's ok to get into relationships and such in recovery but to be honest, the best thing for a new comer is to dedicate this time to themselves and really get to know themselves first. People will be around for a while and if it's meant to happen, it will happen. Trust in god, and be true to yourself.
