Being new to recovery, I am starting to learn who I really am.
These are the hard days, some of me is not so good. I know that working the steps will help me change that, but, for now it is hard to see.
My compulsivness is very shocking. I find myself doing non drug related things with the same focus that I used drugs.
My computer crashed last week. In less than 3 hours, I had gone out and bought a new one. There was not even a consideration to go and see a computer doctor. It was broken, i needed my email....So the only logical choice was to go and blow $500 for a new one. After I had it set up, I was kicking myself....At least that is when I acknowledged that I had been stupid.
I was being stupid the whole time. Even in the store, I was playing games with it. I thought well if the store clerk is busy then it was not meant for me to buy. If they don't have the one I want then I am supposed to go home.
It turned out that they did nto have the one I wanted....They had a better one.... All of the way home I was thinking that it was not out of the box, so I could return it. I ignored myself.
It was a good lesson. I look at it today, and I see that the exact same justifying could send me down the road to relapse.
I gave a trusted friend all of my money. I am not responsible to look after it right now. She gives me $40 at a time. She comes with me when I need to buy the groceries. That is a bonus. I am sticking to the list AND I am not coming home with 27 different cakes...
Now, with no option for money, when I get a ridiculous thought, I HAVE to sit and let it pass.
Eventually I will get the hang of this.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
I money then wish I hadn't quite often still . One time i bought a metal detector payed $600 for it just put it on my credit card then cried when my next payment on that card was $40 a month more, I have thought abotu selling it many times I have found only a little gold and I dont even like metal detecting I found out LOL but its a good one and could get my money back in a minute BUT it might find nice nuggets one day so I keep it.
It takes practice not getting what we want when we want it, I have had to turn over many things and wait, and wait and one of my prayers is " Thank you Lord for what i have and thanks for what I don't have "....because often what we want isn't what we need.
ohh kathleen, you sick sick puppy , lolol hey, for two weeks now I've been wanting to buy a new guitar. I moaned , I groaned . I went to meetings , I talked to people . It was on my mind constantly . I should probably tell you I own 14 guitars already . The first thing my wife said to me was " you really don't need another guitar "
Well none of it worked , I've been busy playing with my new baby and introducing her to her 14 sisters .
So shoot me , I'm an addict ,it could have been much much worse. At least that's how i justify it.
We are compulsive in nature , We do the best we can . The important thing here for you and I is that we both see a weakness in character, and so we can start working on it. Hey ya gotta start somewhere.
Enjoy the new computer , buyers remorse will pass .
You better keep coming back, your a real sicko .
-- Edited by mrwinkie at 17:04, 2008-09-13
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" If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be . Now put the foundations under them . "
hey, for two weeks now I've been wanting to buy a new guitar. I moaned , I groaned . I went to meetings , I talked to people . It was on my mind constantly . I should probably tell you I own 14 guitars already . The first thing my wife said to me was " you really don't need another guitar " 
