Welcome to the site Kris hope to see you posting more get involved in your recovery and work the program, it works if you desire it enough.

Welcome Kris~! Glad you're here, and even more glad your attending meetings~!! It DOES get better. I've heard: Recovery gets good, then it gets real good, then it gets real. Just hang in there...it's a long and sometimes rough road, but using is a lot harder (BY FAR!). And you are well worth the effort!!! KEEP COMING BACK~!!!!

Thanks, Nikky (and everyone else!)

I was arrested...  (How'd ya know?)    I have a court date coming up in a few weeks.  I AM scared as I'm being charged with Illegal Aquisition of a Controlled Substance.  But I also have several things on my side - It's my first offense AND I turned myself in.

I guess that was my "rock bottom."  I was arrested near the end of August when I attempted to get Vicodin by taking a fake script to the pharmacy.  I had actually done this before several times & got away with it.  But, this time, I didn't.  The pharmacy called the police (who came to my house when I wasn't home).  The detective told a family member of mine to have me call him when I got home (which I did).  He asked me to come in to "talk" and I knew what it was about & that I was busted.  But I went straight there & turned myself in.  The detective actually informed me that I was only 1 of 2 people who had ever voluntarily turned themselves in like that throughout his career.

That night in jail was the longest night of my life.  As I was laying on a cold hard floor, I couldn't believe where my need for drugs had landed me.  It was a HUGE wake-up call (and one I needed for a VERY long time).

I don't know what's going to happen to me when I go to court.  There IS a chance I could be sentenced to jail time.  But there's also a chance I may get probation and/or ordered to continue treatment (such as NA meetings) and the charge can eventually be expunged from my record as long as I follow the judge's orders (and this IS what I'm hoping for).  The detective who arrested me (and who I feel also probably saved my life) IS going to speak on my behalf though & inform the judge that I was very cooperative and turned myself in.  The fact that I began seeking the help I need on my own will also be in my favor.  But I'm definitely NOT attending NA meetings only to "look good" in court.  It's something that I definitely need.

There ARE a lot of people at my meetings who got that wake-up call after getting "caught" by the police one way or the other.  One guy was ordered by the judge to begin attending NA meetings.  I'm not sure what he was using or what he was charged with, but this was numerous years ago.  He still thanks his arresting officer for "saving his life" and has been clean ever since.  He also still regularly attends NA even though he's no longer "ordered" to by a judge.  He said it DID take him awhile as he was completely against it in the beginning, but he learned that he DOES need to continue these meetings.  I know I need to do the same thing.

Having to call my family to tell them I was arrested on drug charges and to ask them to bail me out of jail was probably the most embarrassing thing for me.  They WERE suspicious of what I was doing & using - but they had no idea of the degree (how much & how I was obtaining pills illegally without even thinking about the consequences).  Thankfully, they ARE supportive of me.  I thought they were going to hate me - but they were actually GLAD I got "caught."  They also feel it saved my life.

Jail was HELL.  I definitely don't wanna end up back there.  And I think deep down I had been screaming for "help" with my problem for quite awhile - I was just too ashamed to ask for it.  It took being arrested & my problem being "forced" out of me to admit to my addiction and begin seeking help.  My cousin (who is a recovering alcoholic & addict) advised me to check out NA meetings - and that was the best advise I've gotten in a long time.

If everything DOES happen for a reason, I certainly know the reason why I got caught & arrested.  And if what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, then I WILL get stronger as a result of all this.

Of course one of my main concerns is getting better.  I hadn't had a LIFE in so long.  My life was only about USING.  From the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep, all I thought about was getting high.  I thought about my next high, how I was going to "score," when I'd be able to get high again, etc.  This was NO way to live.  The drugs controlled me & deep down I DID hate it.  Sure, I loved the high.  But I hated that I was no longer in control of my own life and that drugs owned me.  NO "high" is worth that.  I'm looking forward to getting my life back.

Hopefully, the judge will realize I do belong in treatment and not in jail.  And hopefully he'll offer me probation & order me to continue treatment (such as NA) at minimum.  I'm willing to do whatever I have to do to get better and get both myself & my record clean again. 

Although this entire situation IS scary & I'm very worried about my upcoming court date, I do gotta admit that I'm actually kinda relieved.  If I hadn't gotten caught, I never would have even thought about attending NA & attempting to get my life back on track.  The arrest is what woke me up FAST.  If it wouldn't have happened, I'd still be using everyday - as often & as much as I could.  That was definitely no way to live - and I may have ended up overdosing if that arrest didn't happen. 

I know I still have a long & hard road ahead of me, but at least I'm on the RIGHT path now.  I hadn't been on that path in SO long!

~Kris

Thanks, Bree.

Although I AM motivated & enthusiastic about my recovery, I do gotta admit that I have my bad times (my bad days, my bad "minutes," etc).  Ya know, those days & times when I feel I just CAN'T.  I DID feel that way yesterday morning & DID call someone who wasn't home (but I DID leave a message & she returned my call later).  I also called another person who WAS home and was very supportive & understanding.  I took her advice & attended a meeting last night.  When I informed her I was having cravings, she told me she completely understood and it WAS nice to not feel "alone" and like I was the only one.  I think I felt like that the entire time I was using (ALONE). 

I was SO scared to pick up that phone though.  I thought was gonna be "bothering" these people by calling them.  It was such a relief to discover that they were not only supportive & understanding of my temptation, but that they were also VERY glad that I called & SO happy to hear from me. 

The first time I spoke in a meeting, another member commented on how "refreshing" it can be to hear from a newcomer.  He had been clean for quite awhile but I guess a lot of what I said really hit home to him & reminded him of some of what he went through as well back when he first started the program.  He basically said I "hit it right on the money" with what I had to say (and did tell me I was at the right place and on the right path).

It IS very helpful for someone like myself (who's still fairly new to NA) to hear from recovering addicts.  I guess at the same time, it can be helpful to those who have been recovering for years to hear from newcomers like me now & then too.

~Kris

Thanks, Dave.

I DID feel it was my fault for a very long time.  After all, I knew right from wrong.  I knew what I was doing was NOT good to say the least. 

I remember telling awhile back when I told my ex-boyfriend about my addiction (well, he was my boyfriend at the time!)  I had been hiding it from him for quite awhile & didn't know where to turn.  I thought MAYBE confiding in the guy who supposedly loved & cared about me would help SOMEWHAT.  I guess you can say I TRIED to tell him though.  He just didn't seem to "get it."  Of course, he wasn't an addict & never had any type of addiction problem with anything ever in his life (so he just DIDN'T "get it").  All he could really say to me was "stop doing that."  Yeah, if it was that easy, none of us would be here (on this website) or need NA meetings or anything else to assist us on this path!  Actually, there'd be NO addicts in the entire world AT ALL if we could "just stop."  Ugh.  I guess his so-called advice really irritated me.  Well, we did eventually break up for various reasons (other than my addiction) but did remain friends (and are still friends today).  I guess we're those two people who are terrible when we're involved in a serious relationship with one another & are just better as friends instead. 

Anyway, since we ARE still friends, he HAS been made aware about how serious my DISEASE is and that I CAN'T "just stop."  He now knows I DO need help (but I'm not sure if he truly realizes that I DO get more help from other addicts at NA meetings rather than a psychiatrist or other type of doctor who, again, is just another person that never had an addiction & can't relate to me).  I'm not saying that there's no decent doctors out there in this specialty, I'm just saying that for me personally, I've found more help from other addicts in NA than from any doctor I've seen in the past. 

Some things don't change though.  When this ex-boyfriend of mine (and now current friend) found out I was arrested because of my drug problem last month, he was furious.  He implied he was pretty much "done" with me at that point.  He basically said he was glad he was no longer involved in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me since I was "no good" & also said didn't wanna even continue being in a friendship with me any longer or even talk to me again for that matter because of the extent of my habit and the fact that it actually landed me in jail.  I know that's NOT a good friend but, at the same time, I also know he's uneducated that I have a DISEASE. 

After speaking with him somewhat, we ARE friends again (but he still has much more to learn about me & the fact that addiction is an ILLNESS).  I do gotta say that if he ends up going "against me" again & thinking so negatively of me because of my illness, I may end up needing to dismiss him from my life for my own sanity.  Maybe that sounds harsh, but it's VERY difficult for non-addicts to learn what addiction TRULY is (especially when they're not exactly very open-minded about it).  Some non-addicts do view addiction as a weakness rather than an illness I guess.

I felt that just about everyone would think this way of me though & that ANYONE I told would just feel I was a terrible person who wouldn't (NOT COULDN'T) stop using.  There ARE addicts who refuse to stop - and you can't force help on people who don't want it.  I WAS one of them - and then I became the addict who WANTED to stop but COULDN'T (at least not on my own and not without the help of NA).  But at least I had that DESIRE to stop - which is one of the most important things.  Actually, maybe that's considered MOST important (along with admitting that you're powerless - as in step one).

The few family members that know about my addiction ARE very supportive (thankfully).  One is my cousin who is a recovering addict himself.  But, when it comes to friends, that's a different story.  I really haven't told any of my friends.  Sure, I have had friends who like to "party" - and they may just think I'm silly or whatever for attending a program.  Or maybe they'd actually be proud of me because deep down they wanna stop too (whether they can admit to it or not).  But the friends I have that are similar to my ex-boyfriend and never had an addiction problem are certainly different.  I don't know how they'd "look" at me - and I'm kinda sure they'd judge me.  Perhaps they'd just think of me as a "weak junkie."  I don't know.  I still have a lot more to learn about my ILLNESS - so I'm sure that makes it even more difficult for me to try and explain to non-addicts that this IS a DISEASE and not something that makes me a horrible person.

~Kris