Now that my brain is no longer fuzzy, I am begining to see the gifts that I am given each day. I have a lot to be greatful for today. I am in awe at the chance that I have for a beautiful life in recovery. I was told something by a new friend today, he said "when you look at the past, forget about the details and remember the lessons".
This is a huge and wonderful concept for me. As an addict, I have always been so caught up in the details of all of the shit, that it takes me YEARS to see the lesson that the experiance provided.
A new tool to help process the feelings that are starting to come up. So new to recovery, I am walking around with a storage unit strapped to my back. Full of stuff. The stuff I did not want to face, the hurt, anger, resentments.
It is time to start letting go, to drop the "details" and carry on forward with the lessons.
Now that I know my starting point.
Another day to thank God for putting me in exactly the right place at the right time to hear what it was that I needed to hear.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
I have ptsd but anchors to hold on to....i'm not afraid of legitimate suffering anymore. i just ask myself what would make me happy today (clean happy, ha ha). listening to those in recovery does it for me most of the time.
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I think people are full of guile.....I enjoy that.
Do you think that post traumatic stress syndrome is part of addiction? I too have it, and so do both of my recovering friends here. I am not yet ready to deal with that part of my life, when I work it out there are no people to forgive. It was violent, but it was nature. Im letting go of other stuff for now. I will get there though.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
For me the why's of my addiction is from coming from a totally dysfunctional family of origin.
Since I was sexually abused from age 5-12 when I finally put an end to it that's when I started drinking age 12 and smokin...than all the other stuff came.
I was hiding feelings of disgust,shame and guilt. This went on for years and years until I realized I picked up where the original abuse stopped.
Today I no longer abuse myself thru negative abusivive relationships, food, and drugs.
The way I identified with having ptsd was the book:
The Body Remembers by Babette Rothschild
I bought it long ago, finally got around to reading it about three/four months ago. Before I was six (before my 14 year old brother died), I have a "body" memory of being molested. It completely, seriously fucked me up even though I functioned well (all children are pliable).
Terror, despair, horrid hopelessness....just a few of the symptoms. When I quit smoking, these come at me full-force. And that on top of being clean.
Curiosity, humor, intelligence, music, physical strength, defense mechanisms (for me, anger) are anchors. Reaching out to others also gets me immediately out of the symptoms. Especially humor.
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I think people are full of guile.....I enjoy that.
Thanks for sharing that, Kathleen. The IP "Triangle of Self-Obsession" talks about how resentments are reliving past experiences over and over. Perhaps if Resentments are born in the details, maybe Acceptance is born when we can focus on the lessons. Thank you for giving me something to think about. I read once that "Acceptance is knowing that the past is NEVER going to get any better." I like that, too.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
I read once that "Acceptance is knowing that the past is NEVER going to get any better." I like that, too.
The past can get better, if we change our perceptions of the past and owning our part in it, which in turn may un-victimize ourselves. Resentments are generally our perception of mal intent by others towards us. Usually others are acting on their own selfish intentions that have very little to do with us. Once we realize that, we can forgive them, own our part in it, own our feelings, forgive ourselves, and move on. Resentments are unresolved issues and indications that we have some work to do, when we can handle it.
Thanks Dean, I heard once that "unresolved issues have babies." I have found that to be true. When I neglect or ignore unresolved issues too long, they find a way to get my attention, usually by showing up in another area of my life. I believe that God's part in my process is to give me the guidance I need. The text says "Any clean addict is a miracle and keeping the miracle alive is an ongoing process of awareness, surrender, and growth." God gives me awareness of the next thing that needs to change in any area of my life. I can ignore it, resist it, neglect it, rebel against it, refuse it, or wrestle with it, but sooner or later I MUST surrender to it. If I do not, the same lesson is presented over and over...new face, new set of circumstances, but the same lesson, until I learn it. When I finally surrender, then I experience a bit of spiritual growth and receive a period of peace and serenity....then here comes the NEXT awareness, the next lesson to be learned. The process never stops, it's ongoing for life. These are some of the beliefs I have developed in recovery that are a part of a whole new belief system. It is a system that works for me. I'm sure it's not for everybody, but that's a part of the intensely personal nature of the recovery journey, isn't it? Thanks again for your comments.
-- Edited by dan h at 15:48, 2008-09-07
-- Edited by dan h at 15:51, 2008-09-07
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
